The Loco News 2: Of Dynasties and Decency
The following are excerpts from actual emails received at a local news station:
Their is A store on XXXX Rd the people are not being nice to me. I hope you Can help me to stop them to start being nice to me.
Sometimes people are not nice to Sister Madly, either. It took her a while to realize that not everyone likes 80’s Power Ballads played at full volume at 3AM on a Tuesday, and that, just perhaps, there was a connection.
I got an email today claiming they were the FBI and that I had won the lottery. Its another scam I am sure just like the IRS one. I can send it to you if you want. It does not even have the FBI logo in the email.
You forgot to put the logo on the email, Sister Madly! That was the same problem you faced when posing as the Illuminati at the gun show- but then, those militia are always sticklers for ID. Fortunately, your claim of Nigerian Royalty in all those lonely heart magazines continues to go unchallenged despite the fact your photo depicts you as a chicken.
I have a request. I’m keeping my babies sex a surprise and don’t know what I’m having. I want to find out in a really fun and unique way. Is there any way that I could send u the ultrasound results ans on the show have it announced while me and my family and friends wait in anticipation at a party at home? This would be a dream come true.
Even if it’s for love, it is best that your babies refrain from sex until they have completed the proper education by carrying around an egg for a couple of weeks. But seriously: keeping your babies sex a secret is one thing- we all have skeletons in the closet; but keeping it a surprise- and wishing to let the entire city know of their, shall we say, practices at a designated time on the air- is disturbed.
(Common decency urges Sister Madly to refrain from posting a photo depicting the above excerpt. So here is Fizzgig.)
Why haven’t you come out against the nude bicycling in downtown ????????????? For Gods sake………. Indecent exposure in public is against the law, and I certainly don’t want my children exposed to this kind of nonsense. Let’s try to use some good common sense. These people look like idiots and your news channel doesn’t seem to object. Let’s put a stop to this ?????????????????????????????
As Terry Pratchett once said, “Multiple exclamation points are a sure sign of a mind diseased.” In light of this statement, Sister Madly sees no reason to address the above complaint.
(Once again decency reigns, so here is a moose.)
A couple of nights ago your pint-sized weatherman and his wide-eyed anchor friend pretended that they knew nothing about Duck Dynasty. Please – they should keep their preppy and moronic commemts to themselves. Maybe this pretense is typical of the new vacuous faux thinkers?
To be fair, that particular Dynasty is relatively unknown amongst those who express a distaste of MSG. Located somewhere between the Tang and Ming Dynasties, its duration upon one acre of land at the bottom of a river was tragically short-lived, lasting for a mere 24 hours before its collapse. It is in honor of this rather fleeting Dynasty that many Chinese Restaurants have implemented the 24 hr advanced notice requirement for the Peking Duck. *
* There may be some errors in this clarification.
I would appreciate it if your station would refer to the column that is in Astoria, and shown as one of your regular morning weather cams, as the Astor Column and not the Astoria Column. It is named after John Jacob Astor. Every morning on the news your weathermen refer to it as the Astoria Column, and that is the identifier under the picture of the column. I’ll be watching every morning to see if you change it.
Sister Madly understands your pain, as her own name is often mispronounced, misspelled, or just plain ignored in favor of inanimate objects (I.e., ‘Now see here, Kumquat…) In the spirit of camaraderie, Sister Madly went to bat for you and for the late John Jacob Astor, and won: it is now called the Astoria Column.
The Loco News
It is a little known fact that Sister Madly has a conduit into the local media scene. It would be unfair to say that she has not benefited from this liaison- indeed, with each passing day it becomes evident that it is not her own sanity that the world must question. She has provided you excerpts from actual emails received to support this claim.
~ ON ETIQUETTE ~
… the culprit is XXXX and his obnoxious, loud behavior and general lack of decorum. In a recent show, he drank from a soup plate, which he referred to as a “bowl”. The rim of a soup plate specifically discourages a faux pas like the above mentioned. Please consider that what you show on your station- correct or not- gives the general public license to be crass in their own lives & we surely do not need more of that.
Since the lifting of the soup plate from the soup plate’s plate is an act most barbaric, Sister Madly has decided to address the issue so that she might single-handedly postpone mankind’s descent into the cultural abyss: Use a Spoon.
And always make certain that the clams in your bouillabaisse are Free Range.
~ ON PHOTO SUBMISSION ~
Is there not a category for legit paranormal pics? why not you guys post every other stupid pic in the world! is sent 2 amazing ghost pics to you guys took me almost a year and over 10k pics to get 2 real legit pics!
A legitimate request, this one; Sister Madly herself has a file for paranormal pictures and has for years. It is empty.
~ ON PROPER TERMINOLOGY ~
I watched your segment on Comic Con this weekend and they mentioned the people playing “Dress up.” It is not called dress up, it is cosplay. Referring it to dress up like what children do, which is what the segment appeared to be about, is not the basis of cosplay. (Being a child)
When Sister Madly dressed up for the Renaissance Faire, she and everyone else called it ‘Role Play.’ Themed weekends did not include Steampunk, Star Wars, or Anime in those days- there was the Highland Fling, during which Sister Madly & Co. donned picnic blankets in an attempt to pass them off as tartans. They were unsuccessful, although they did manage to anger some Vikings.
~ ON HEAVEN-KNOWS WHAT ~
HUMMINGBIRD FEEDERS! MINE FROOZED LAST NIGHT! I HAVE A PLASTIC ON, PUT IT IN THE MIRCO TO THAW-OUT. THE LITTLE HUMMERS WHERE VERY HAPPY AND HUNGER!!
Nothing soothes the Madly Soul more than a Hummer at a feeder. Nothing.
~ ON SYMPATHY ~
i feel sorry for XXXX.. every day he gives out the word of the day for the car contest, he’s wearing the same pair of pants. Should i start a facebook page “help XXXX get a new pair of pants?”
Perhaps they’re comfy. Perhaps they’re lucky. Or perhaps he films the week’s Word of the Day segments all at once, which does not require the changing of pants.
~ ON CHILD REARING ~
I realize the story about those people that set themselves on fire in Cleveland was a great cause done for charity, but don’t you think you guys should have put a phrase in front of the story telling people “to not try this at home” due to the young viewers that might be watching this at home. I have alot of small children in my family that watch the news with us grown ups & they had alot of questions I had to explain.
Sister Madly finds this suggestion a most sensible one- provided your children are the type who need to be advised not to set themselves on fire.
~ ON THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS ~
Please ask XXXX what size his waist size is, as I am making a Tutu for his next race.
P.S. It takes a real man to wear a Tutu in public, so I will be kind and make it in Blue!
Thanks!
It was blue. And a lovely shade at that.
Do keep in mind that, should you contact your local media, someone is on hand to screen the calls and emails.
And it is just possible that someone knows Sister Madly.
Sister Madly
The Sixpence at Her Feet 