The Loco News 2: Of Dynasties and Decency

The following are excerpts from actual emails received at a local news station:

Their is A store on XXXX Rd the people are not being nice to me. I hope you Can help me to stop them to start being nice to me.

Sometimes people are not nice to Sister Madly, either. It took her a while to realize that not everyone likes 80’s Power Ballads played at full volume at 3AM on a Tuesday, and that, just perhaps, there was a connection.

funny sayings and quotes,

I got an email today claiming they were the FBI and that I had won the lottery. Its another scam I am sure just like the IRS one. I can send it to you if you want. It does not even have the FBI logo in the email.

You forgot to put the logo on the email, Sister Madly! That was the same problem you faced when posing as the Illuminati at the gun show- but then, those militia are always sticklers for ID. Fortunately, your claim of Nigerian Royalty in all those lonely heart magazines continues to go unchallenged despite the fact your photo depicts you as a chicken.

chickenwalk

I have a request. I’m keeping my babies sex a surprise and don’t know what I’m having. I want to find out in a really fun and unique way. Is there any way that I could send u the ultrasound results ans on the show have it announced while me and my family and friends wait in anticipation at a party at home? This would be a dream come true.

Even if it’s for love, it is best that your babies refrain from sex until they have completed the proper education by carrying around an egg for a couple of weeks. But seriously: keeping your babies sex a secret is one thing- we all have skeletons in the closet; but keeping it a surprise- and wishing to let the entire city know of their, shall we say, practices at a designated time on the air- is disturbed.

(Common decency urges Sister Madly to refrain from posting a photo depicting the above excerpt. So here is Fizzgig.)

fizzgig

Why haven’t you come out against the nude bicycling in downtown ????????????? For Gods sake………. Indecent exposure in public is against the law, and I certainly don’t want my children exposed to this kind of nonsense. Let’s try to use some good common sense. These people look like idiots and your news channel doesn’t seem to object. Let’s put a stop to this ?????????????????????????????

As Terry Pratchett once said, “Multiple exclamation points are a sure sign of a mind diseased.” In light of this statement, Sister Madly sees no reason to address the above complaint.

(Once again decency reigns, so here is a moose.)

moose

A couple of nights ago your pint-sized weatherman and his wide-eyed anchor friend pretended that they knew nothing about Duck Dynasty. Please – they should keep their preppy and moronic commemts to themselves. Maybe this pretense is typical of the new vacuous faux thinkers?

To be fair, that particular Dynasty is relatively unknown amongst those who express a distaste of MSG. Located somewhere between the Tang and Ming Dynasties, its duration upon one acre of land at the bottom of a river was tragically short-lived, lasting for a mere 24 hours before its collapse. It is in honor of this rather fleeting Dynasty that many Chinese Restaurants have implemented the 24 hr advanced notice requirement for the Peking Duck. **

duck

I would appreciate it if your station would refer to the column that is in Astoria, and shown as one of your regular morning weather cams, as the Astor Column and not the Astoria Column. It is named after John Jacob Astor. Every morning on the news your weathermen refer to it as the Astoria Column, and that is the identifier under the picture of the column. I’ll be watching every morning to see if you change it.

Sister Madly understands your pain, as her own name is often mispronounced, misspelled, or just plain ignored in favor of inanimate objects (I.e., ‘Now see here, Kumquat…) In the spirit of camaraderie, Sister Madly went to bat for you and for the late John Jacob Astor, and won: it is now called the Astoria Column.

US West 1999

** There may be some errors in this explanation…

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47 responses

  1. Would Sister Madly be so good as to explain indecent nonpublic exposure?

    Do not underestimate the wisdom of Penguins!

    Liked by 1 person

    April 17, 2015 at 5:40 AM

    • Sister Madly

      Non-public? Make no mistake that what people do in the privacy of their own homes is no concern of mine.

      And I do dare to underestimate the wisdom of penguins. But not their highly-evolved jujitsu capabilities.

      Liked by 1 person

      April 17, 2015 at 2:16 PM

      • I didn’t ask you if it was of your concern Ms Madly. I asked you to explain it.

        FYI … I was speaking with Luna, she asked after you!

        Liked by 1 person

        April 17, 2015 at 2:33 PM

        • Sister Madly

          Ok…

          Non-public indecent exposure would be an improper and/or potentially offensive unveiling at a location that is not accessible to the general public.

          And how is Luna these days?

          Liked by 1 person

          April 17, 2015 at 2:57 PM

        • Thank you for that explanation.

          Luna is more than a tad miffed. The whole functionality thing. When you don’t have fingers to put in your ears, it doesn’t have quite the same effect when you go ~ ~ ~ laaa la la laaaa I can’t hear you ~ ~ ~.

          Sometimes when you talk to me you need that defence mechanism for the sake of your own sanity!

          Other than that and few tics that got loose, she’s great.

          Liked by 1 person

          April 17, 2015 at 3:31 PM

        • Sister Madly

          Exactly what are you telling poor Luna that such a defense mechanism needs to be employed?

          Liked by 1 person

          April 17, 2015 at 3:50 PM

        • This is one of those are you sure you want to know that moments?

          Liked by 1 person

          April 17, 2015 at 4:29 PM

        • Sister Madly

          Indeed. I like to live dangerously.

          Liked by 1 person

          April 17, 2015 at 4:42 PM

        • Very well. Seeing as how I like living and do not wish to see my 150 year plan curtailed, delicacy and consideration is of the utmost import!

          Like

          April 17, 2015 at 5:02 PM

        • Sister Madly

          Yeah, yeah- 10000 year eternal life daydreams curtailed by blackberry pies to the delicate face… we all suffer… go on about what you said to Luna…

          (Luna doesn’t mind what you divulge- she sent me a telepathic message in Sanskrit telling me so!)

          Liked by 1 person

          April 17, 2015 at 5:17 PM

        • So why do I feel like I’m the guest of honour at a dinner?

          Luna isn’t the problem. It’s a certain variety of her tics that scare me.

          I’m older than Luna.

          Liked by 1 person

          April 17, 2015 at 5:26 PM

        • Sister Madly

          I have no idea- why do you feel this way? And at what guest-of-honor dinner was this to which I was not invited?!?

          Tics can be a problem in certain circles, but with the proper repellent one’s worries are rendered obsolete.

          And there comes a time in everyone’s life when age is meaningless.

          Liked by 1 person

          April 17, 2015 at 7:24 PM

        • Me thinks you wouldn’t of made it through the aperitif, Absinthe with a sprig of Asafetida.

          Liked by 1 person

          April 20, 2015 at 3:50 AM

        • Sister Madly

          Whoever it was that served such a aperitif wouldn’t have lasted very long, either! };~>

          Like

          April 20, 2015 at 8:47 AM

        • Sorry forgot … you’re opposed to keeping the hands on the knees and in favour of the sucker punch

          Liked by 1 person

          April 20, 2015 at 12:16 PM

        • Sister Madly

          Thanks for reminding me! I forgot to do that to some people over the weekend- well, better later than never, they say.

          Like

          April 20, 2015 at 2:02 PM

        • Well I know that expression somewaht differently and never was a very good thing!

          Think I may I have stumbled over your masculine side.

          https://moviewriternyu.wordpress.com/2015/04/18/how-to-tell-if-your-date-plans-to-kill-you/comment-page-1/#comment-53421

          Liked by 1 person

          April 20, 2015 at 2:39 PM

        • Sister Madly

          oh yes- saw this the other day. I waiver between ‘good advice’ and ‘I need to be more subtle when asking questions.’ ;c)

          Like

          April 20, 2015 at 2:51 PM

        • uh huh … sure

          Now where did that darn Ibis go.

          Like

          April 20, 2015 at 3:22 PM

        • Sister Madly

          He’s been called away. Indefinitely.

          And on a completely unrelated matter that popped into my mind for no reason whatsoever: there is talk that Ibis’ taste like chicken…

          Like

          April 20, 2015 at 3:30 PM

        • The I shall have to go find him.

          Like

          April 21, 2015 at 6:38 AM

  2. Re: Baby sex and Ducks. No doubt these representative emails faithfully reflect the acuity and concern of SM’s neighbors. No doubt. On the other hand, a certain acquaintance whose hobby is hermeneutics has detected suspicious and familiar elements in said emails. Is there a provocateur at work? Surely not. Nevertheless, one must ask – Where was Sister Madly on the day in question?

    Liked by 1 person

    April 17, 2015 at 8:49 AM

    • Sister Madly

      On the day in question, Sister Madly was traveling the countryside through her usual means of teleportation, visiting the finer cities of Innsmouth, Arkham and Night Vale. Obviously, she is not to blame here.

      And just who is this certain acquaintance who is not minding his own business?

      Liked by 1 person

      April 17, 2015 at 2:08 PM

      • A pale man in a stripped shirt. Didn’t say much, but he seemed to know Sister M.

        Liked by 1 person

        April 18, 2015 at 7:24 AM

        • That would be striped, not stripped, which would have more to do with the “bicycle problem.”

          Liked by 1 person

          April 18, 2015 at 7:27 AM

        • Sister Madly

          Only if he was ‘stripped of’ said stripped shirt. A mere stripped shirt would have left him severely overdressed for the bicycle festivities.

          Like

          April 18, 2015 at 11:51 AM

        • Sister Madly

          He must have used the most interesting gestures to convey that message- worse yet, you understood him. You should worry about this.

          Liked by 1 person

          April 18, 2015 at 11:53 AM

        • I didn’t want anyone to know this, but it’s the same man I see in those dreams I have of being trapped in a box no one else can see. You know the one I mean?

          Liked by 1 person

          April 18, 2015 at 1:54 PM

        • Sister Madly

          I’ve heard of such dreams- I think people call them ‘nightmares.’ I do not envy you.

          Liked by 1 person

          April 18, 2015 at 2:20 PM

  3. Are you telling me there are people who DON’T like me biking around the city, in my birthday suit? As I am currently doing so, I am also waving to them. I do however, practice safe riding…And have both of my hands on the handlebars. 😉

    Liked by 2 people

    April 17, 2015 at 12:59 PM

    • Sister Madly

      Well, there’s at least one…

      But you really ought to set an example for the youth of America and wear a helmet- which I believe was the viewer’s true concern, in the end.

      Liked by 2 people

      April 17, 2015 at 2:01 PM

  4. Hilarious!! SM you have outdone yourself! Super ROFL!!! Thanks I needed a reprieve from all that medical stuff😆

    Liked by 1 person

    April 17, 2015 at 11:51 PM

    • Sister Madly

      Thank you! I do hope you’re feeling better!

      Liked by 1 person

      April 18, 2015 at 11:44 AM

  5. Innsmouth, Arkham, and Nightvale. Why do these places seem like the perfect vacation spots for Miss Madly…

    It’s been so long since I listened to the radio. Who knew I was missing such entertainment. I assume you’re not the pint sized weatherman?

    Liked by 1 person

    April 18, 2015 at 5:15 AM

    • Sister Madly

      You are correct: I am not the pint-sized weatherman.

      I visit these exotic locales in hopes of running into some old friends, such as yourself ;c)

      Liked by 1 person

      April 18, 2015 at 11:46 AM

  6. Good one!

    As to your naked bicyclists, that is a real thing in my world. Once when I had a child of about six, I came around the corner and encountered a whole flock of them. I thought, “well, this is an epic mothering fail.” After they had all gone by, the kid simply said, “Now I understand why people wear clothes!” Yes, actually that is a good point. As fascinated as we all are with nudity, it’s really only attractive if you’re posed like a Greek statue somewhere. Also, it helps if you are exceptionally attractive. In the absence of those conditions, clothing is really preferable.

    Liked by 1 person

    April 18, 2015 at 6:09 PM

    • Sister Madly

      I believe we live in roughly the same area. ;c) The annual Naked Bike Ride is coming up in June- personally, the very idea of such a ride seems so uncomfortable that it takes a while before the notion of indecency to come to mind.

      But that is without children to point it out.

      Liked by 1 person

      April 18, 2015 at 6:25 PM

      • LOL, it does kind of put a new importance on the idea of gel seats and sheepskin seat covers, doesn’t it?

        Liked by 1 person

        April 18, 2015 at 6:27 PM

        • Sister Madly

          Indeed. Helmets would be the furthest thing from my mind!

          Liked by 1 person

          April 18, 2015 at 6:31 PM

  7. I wonder how they got that moose to smile

    Liked by 1 person

    April 18, 2015 at 6:11 PM

    • Sister Madly

      Hm- it is true, what you say. What exactly amuses a moose?

      I hope I never have to say that second part aloud. Especially if drunk.

      Like

      April 18, 2015 at 6:26 PM

      • It has a certain Seuss quality to it. I guess we are good as long as he is smiling. They kill more people per year than bears I’ve heard.

        Liked by 1 person

        April 18, 2015 at 6:29 PM

        • Sister Madly

          But is it possible to decipher the intent behind a moose’s smile? Has that question ever been asked before?

          I’ll stick to bears.

          Like

          April 18, 2015 at 6:34 PM

        • I have never heard the question posed. It’s kind of hard to read what they have in mind

          Liked by 1 person

          April 18, 2015 at 11:12 PM

  8. locksley2010

    Fizzig Rules! \m/

    Liked by 1 person

    April 19, 2015 at 11:12 PM

    • Sister Madly

      He would make such an awesome pet (I think…)!

      Liked by 1 person

      April 20, 2015 at 8:43 AM

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