Let’s face it: 2020 is determined to turn Sister Madly into a couch potato.*
* Albeit, an adorable one.
In addition to the Great Sickness and Neighborhood Protests, Sister Madly woke up one morning to find herself on Mars- and clearly she was, as the atmosphere was not only unsuitable for human consumption, but the color of iced tea. Iced Tea Atmosphere, like the Great Sickness, forces one to spend days on end in complete isolation- minus a few rabid dust bunnies.
Didn’t think the whole ‘colonizing Mars’ thing through did we, Elon-Baby?*
* The local news claimed this Iced Tea Atmosphere was a result of nearby wildfires, but Sister Madly knows propaganda when she hears it. She was on Mars.
Facing another week indoors, Sister Madly engaged in what no-doubt will become the Great Martian Pastime: reminiscing about the last time she encountered another human being. In this case, it was Chipper- an enthusiastic Phlebotomist with only a vague concept of personal boundaries- who had been working from home.
And just how does a Phlebotomist work from home, you might ask? And you should ask- Sister Madly should not be the only creature to endure many a Couch Potato Contemplation Session picturing this hippie mosquito setting up practice in his potting shed just for kicks.
Which is why Sister Madly will be moving to another dimension, Elon-Baby.*
* A safer, saner dimension. A Lovecraftian Dimension.
Now, the Ghost-of-Jobs-Yet-to-Come first visited the Madly Siblings upon reaching the tender age of 7, with careers that were also homegrown. Take Tallulah who, on her own initiative, went door-to-door collecting money for the ‘orphans;’ or Sister Madly, who had a lemonade stand at the end of her dead end street. She made a whole quarter that day.*
* Thanks, Me-Ma!
With two-bits to her name, Sister Madly retired from the Lemonade Stand determined to become an astronomer- a misfit who sits and stares at all things outer-space, possibly befriending an alien or two. This lasted until the moment she discovered that astronomy is not just looking at planets and colorful nebulae. Apparently, there’s a whole bunch of science behind it, science that goes beyond staying up past her bedtime just to catch a glimpse of a passing comet. She didn’t sign up for the science.
Abandoning the stars, Sister Madly decided that treasures were more her style, and set out that very afternoon to dig up the driveway with a plastic shovel in search of diamonds- which her parents tolerated for about 15 minutes or so.
As it turns out, archaeologists do more than just dig in the dirt; they have to know things, things that require years of schooling as an older Moppet. And it’s not diamonds they dig up, but bones, bits of pottery, and ancient weaponry- none of which she can keep! What nonsense is that? Finders-Keepers is a universal law, and Sister Madly obeys the law- as evidenced by her luxuriant treasure trove:
~ decorative lamp finial
~ orange golf ball
~ faux diamond ring, squashed by a car
~ petoskey stone, found nowhere near a Great Lake
~ unused Remington cartridge, which the Pater Madly made into a necklace
~ etc
But the one career Sister Madly never pursued as a child was the absolute dream of her 9 year-old self: a Professional Backmasking Decoder.
For those not in the know- she’s looking at you, Elon-Baby- backmasking is the fine art of concealing messages in songs that can only be heard when played in reverse. This conspiracy was often preached about in churches during her childhood, and was but one reason why rock music should be avoided at all costs.* And since Sister Madly was forbidden to listen to rock music at that age, she never received the proper training.
* Churches spoke of the Devil as well, but that job is taken.
As is Death. So unfair.
Now, genuine backmasking is a deliberate process, with a clear message:
Satanic Backmasking, however, is much more deviant- that is, less coherent, and difficult to understand without an imagination and the aid of written lyrics:
Because when you’re told what to listen for, you will hear it.
However, after another Couch Potato Contemplation Session, it became obvious that the Decoders of yesteryear got it all wrong. Clearly, this ‘Stairway to Heaven’ is a metaphor for Elon’s Starship to Mars, and ‘Sad Satan’s Toolshed’ is a reference to the Happy Phlebotomist working from home. Because sadness in reverse is happiness, and Sister Madly obviously is on Mars…
And Heaven in reverse is nothing more than Hell… isn’t it, Elon-Baby?
…it seems Sister Madly has missed her calling…
SICHUAN WINGS
- 3lbs chicken wings
- 1/3 cup hoison sauce
- 1/3 cup coconut aminos ~ OR ~ low sodium soy sauce
- 1 TBSP garlic, minced
- 1 TBSP ginger, minced
- 1+ tsp Sichuan pepper, toasted and ground, to taste
- 1+ TBSP honey, to taste
- sriracha, to taste (opt)
Preheat oven to 400*
Place wings on greased baking rack in tray
Bake wings for 30 min
Add remaining ingredients to a saucepan; bring to a boil
Reduce heat; simmer until thickened
Remove wings from oven, brush with sauce
Return to oven; bake 10-15 min, or until cooked through
Brush with remaining sauce straight from oven
THEME SONG: Stairway to Heaven, Led Zeppelin (in reverse, of course)
Poblano Corn Chowder ~ One Wheel Short of a Bike
A few weeks ago, Sister Madly was on her way home from the Market when she was passed by a man on a unicycle.
Now, she knows what you are all thinking: how does one even begin to master the unicycle? Does one utilize training wheels? Where does one keep the spare tire? And who was the madman that came up with the concept in the first place? Indeed, it was this train of thought that momentarily distracted Sister Madly from the fact that the cyclist was completely naked.
Yes, Sister Madly had just wandered into the outskirts of the World Naked Bike Ride.
As it turned out, the World Naked Bike Ride- which began as a protest against society’s oil dependency while promoting positive body image- was meeting at the park in her neighborhood. The Good Samaritan in Sister Madly considered hunting down the Unicyclist to inform him that he was, sadly, one wheel short of a bicycle- it was the Naked Bike Ride, after all- but she was quite overdressed for the occasion.*
* The World Naked Bike Ride is bit of a misnomer, as riders are encouraged to wear shoes and helmets, making it the Nearly Naked Bike Ride with Special Guest: the Unicyclist Without a Spare Tire.
While the Ride itself was to commence at 9pm, a few carefree activists decided to get a head start on the demonstration by assembling at 2; and though Sister Madly is all for that Consume Less Fuel thing, she was unable to participate in the Ride as she, unfortunately, does not own a bike.
But even if one does not participate in the Ride itself, there is much to be learned from the demonstration; indeed, much to be shared:
– Riding a bike without certain undergarments can be extremely uncomfortable and is accompanied by many 4-letter words.
– Unicorns exist; they are environmentally conscious and roam about on their hind legs. Unfortunately, Sister Madly is unable to provide photographic evidence as Unicorns are also body positive, and roam about completely naked.
* Nessie and Sasquatch, however, are clearly gun-toting, non-Prius driving, cloth-wearing body-shamers as they were nowhere to be found at the Bike Ride. Savages.
– Fairies also exist: they tend to be 6 feet tall, have butterfly wings, and sparkly Peace Signs painted on their tummies.
– Barbecuing in the buff is an extreme sport due to errant ash and the potential to singe off more than one’s eyebrows. A child’s bike seat, however, is a perfectly legitimate way to transport a bag of charcoal, provided it is properly strapped in and wearing a helmet.
* Fully nudity does not appear to be addressed in the current Food Handler’s Handbook. It seems that the Health Department does not give a hoot about one’s attire as long as one wears a hairnet.
Extreme Barbecuer was not wearing a hairnet.
– Now, that man is wearing a helmet. That’s right sir: safety first.
– Not all hippies sit in a circle and sing One Tin Soldier while weaving flowers into their hair. Sometimes they sing the Scooby-Doo Theme Song while smoking dubious plant life.
– A pair of red stilettoes is considered adequate footwear, the lady with the ombre hair insisted. Sister Madly has to admit, there’s talent in stiletto cycling- after all, if she so much as even looks at a pair of stilettoes, Sister Madly will break her ankle; she’s sprained it twice just thinking about it these last few seconds. Hats off to the Stiletto Cyclist.
– If you order the cheesesteak sandwich from the Hawaiian Food Cart, just eat all the steak with a fork and feed the bread to the ducks: you will be minimizing waste while maintaining a healthy, low-carb lifestyle, and you just might bring joy to a lonely, hungry, down-on-his-luck duck. Just a friendly tip from the cyclist in a loincloth and equestrian helmet.
– A tutu is more often worn about the head than about the waist, something Sister Madly does not remember from Tallulah’s brief childhood stint in ballet- but then, neither were particularly fashion savvy in those days.
– Update: Stiletto-Wearing Cyclist was not a lady. Apologies.
POBLANO CORN CHOWDER
Sauté onion until translucent: 8-10 min
Add garlic and poblanos; sauté 2-3 min
Add celery and carrots; sauté 2-3 min
Add spices; sauté 30 sec
Add potatoes, corn, and broth; bring to a boil
Reduce heat; simmer until veggies are tender; 25-30 min
Blend soup to desired smoothness (opt)
Add cream (if using); simmer 2-3 min
Stir in lime juice and remove from heat
THEME SONG: Riders on the Storm, The Doors
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Posted by Sister Madly | July 19, 2019 | Categories: Food | Tags: commentary, Cooking, culture, dark, humor, lifestyle, people, prose, recipes, travel, vegan, writing | 24 Comments