The Case of an Egg Called Jessy
For a brief period in her youth, Sister Madly attended an extremely conservative, Baptist-as-hell institution commonly referred to as ‘High School.’ Tales that emerge from this gloomy asylum range from questionable to legendary, including the method in which the joys of parenthood were taught by having the girls carry an egg around for a two-week stretch.
It is fortunate for mankind that Sister Madly never took this class. No doubt she would have grown up suppressing the urge to dye all the little children pastel colors every Easter- if she suppressed it at all. It is also a good thing that she does not have children of her own.
While some girls simply carried an egg around on a napkin, others took the task to heart, dressing up their eggs in cutesy little outfits and giving them names, such as in the case of an egg called Jessy.
Now, Jessy was the surrogate offspring of Lisa, who was from one of the founding families of the asylum. It wasn’t long before a couple of Sister Madly’s classmates discovered the unthinkable: Lisa was leaving her child unsupervised in her locker for the first two hours- even worse, she was getting away with it.
On Thursday, however, Lisa opened up her locker between classes and was confronted not by Jessy in his knitted hat, but by a plate of scrambled eggs.
It was during study hall the day before that Sister Madly overheard Scott’s and David’s bickering about Lisa’s cheating. Quite frankly, Sister Madly felt that their protests were a bit unwarranted, since only the girls were required to carry the eggs around as boys, apparently, did not need to learn the joys of parenting.* And she might have said so, had she not been blinded by the delightful vision of Lisa thinking that someone had scrambled Jessy.
*However, this could have been on the request of the janitor.
The beauty of this plan is that Lisa would not be able to report this crime without admitting that she had been cheating. For the boys, this wasn’t about retribution; this was about justice. For Sister Madly, it just sounded like fun. This was to be her first taste as an Evil Overlord, where she could just sit back and watch her henchmen carry out the deed.
However, being the mastermind meant that Sister Madly would not be involved in the action, and that kind of takes the joy out of things. She would also learn that if you want your evil plan to run smoothly and efficiently, you have to do it yourself- and even then, it’s no guarantee.
Her first indication of this was Thursday morning, when Scott slipped back into study hall with an illegally acquired, hard-boiled egg.
Now, the Egg-As-Offspring Project had several rules, the main one being that you couldn’t hard-boil your children. This is one of the few practical lessons the students could take away from this class, if not from the school, itself.
But even if Lisa had hard-boiled her child, this particular egg was faceless and naked, lacking the obnoxiously cute little knitted hat for which Jessy was known. Also, he had not been retrieved from the obnoxiously cute little egg bassinet her Papa had made, but from a paper bag-
Salt and Cabbages, Scott! You didn’t steal Lisa’s child; you stole her lunch!
The problem with Evil Overlording in a Baptist Institution is that the local criminal element tends to lack certain qualities essential for the overall effect: common sense, IQ points, stealth, experience, etc. Also, they were wearing penny-loafers.
Part 2 of this scheme belonged to David. He had decided to forgo completing his geometry assignment the night before to create a Hollywood-style ransom note of letters cut from magazines, requesting payment of candy bars (teenagers know what’s important) in exchange for the safe return of her child. If they did not receive payment by the end of lunch break, they would scramble Jessy.
Unfortunately, this note was slipped into the wrong locker. Penny Loafers.
So, Sister Madly, perhaps you should have taken your cue from all those Bond films: that employing penny-loafer henchmen to do your dirty work is all but guaranteed failure. But as always, things just don’t ring true until you have experienced it yourself. You’re still finding that out.
That was the last time she aided the local criminal element. Besides, Sister Madly prefers active duty. Relying on henchmen is really nothing more than co-dependence.*
*Jessy was returned unharmed, without the ransom being paid, and without his hat. No one knows what happened to it. Penny Loafers.
POST’S THEME SONG: Jessie’s Girl, Rick Springfield