The Case of an Egg Called Jessy

For a brief period in her youth, Sister Madly attended an extremely conservative, Baptist-as-hell institution commonly referred to as ‘High School.’ Tales that emerge from this gloomy asylum range from questionable to legendary, including the method in which the joys of parenthood were taught by having the girls carry an egg around for a two-week stretch.

jessy

It is fortunate for mankind that Sister Madly never took this class. No doubt she would have grown up suppressing the urge to dye all the little children pastel colors every Easter- if she suppressed it at all. It is also a good thing that she does not have children of her own.

While some girls simply carried an egg around on a napkin, others took the task to heart, dressing up their eggs in cutesy little outfits and giving them names, such as in the case of an egg called Jessy.

Now, Jessy was the surrogate offspring of Lisa, who was from one of the founding families of the asylum. It wasn’t long before a couple of Sister Madly’s classmates discovered the unthinkable: Lisa was leaving her child unsupervised in her locker for the first two hours- even worse, she was getting away with it.

On Thursday, however, Lisa opened up her locker between classes and was confronted not by Jessy in his knitted hat, but by a plate of scrambled eggs.

scrambled

It was during study hall the day before that Sister Madly overheard Scott’s and David’s bickering about Lisa’s cheating. Quite frankly, Sister Madly felt that their protests were a bit unwarranted, since only the girls were required to carry the eggs around as boys, apparently, did not need to learn the joys of parenting.* And she might have said so, had she not been blinded by the delightful vision of Lisa thinking that someone had scrambled Jessy.

*However, this could have been on the request of the janitor.

The beauty of this plan is that Lisa would not be able to report this crime without admitting that she had been cheating. For the boys, this wasn’t about retribution; this was about justice. For Sister Madly, it just sounded like fun. This was to be her first taste as an Evil Overlord, where she could just sit back and watch her henchmen carry out the deed.

However, being the mastermind meant that Sister Madly would not be involved in the action, and that kind of takes the joy out of things. She would also learn that if you want your evil plan to run smoothly and efficiently, you have to do it yourself- and even then, it’s no guarantee.

Her first indication of this was Thursday morning, when Scott slipped back into study hall with an illegally acquired, hard-boiled egg.

scared egg

Now, the Egg-As-Offspring Project had several rules, the main one being that you couldn’t hard-boil your children. This is one of the few practical lessons the students could take away from this class, if not from the school, itself.

But even if Lisa had hard-boiled her child, this particular egg was faceless and naked, lacking the obnoxiously cute little knitted hat for which Jessy was known. Also, he had not been retrieved from the obnoxiously cute little egg bassinet her Papa had made, but from a paper bag-

Salt and Cabbages, Scott! You didn’t steal Lisa’s child; you stole her lunch!

The problem with Evil Overlording in a Baptist Institution is that the local criminal element tends to lack certain qualities essential for the overall effect: common sense, IQ points, stealth, experience, etc. Also, they were wearing penny-loafers.

Part 2 of this scheme belonged to David. He had decided to forgo completing his geometry assignment the night before to create a Hollywood-style ransom note of letters cut from magazines, requesting payment of candy bars (teenagers know what’s important) in exchange for the safe return of her child. If they did not receive payment by the end of lunch break, they would scramble Jessy.

ransomnte

Unfortunately, this note was slipped into the wrong locker. Penny Loafers.

So, Sister Madly, perhaps you should have taken your cue from all those Bond films: that employing penny-loafer henchmen to do your dirty work is all but guaranteed failure. But as always, things just don’t ring true until you have experienced it yourself. You’re still finding that out.

That was the last time she aided the local criminal element. Besides, Sister Madly prefers active duty. Relying on henchmen is really nothing more than co-dependence.*

*Jessy was returned unharmed, without the ransom being paid, and without his hat. No one knows what happened to it. Penny Loafers.

POST’S THEME SONG: Jessie’s Girl, Rick Springfield

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25 responses

  1. The Art of Zen Pranksterism or if you prefer, Instigatorism. More on the art when I’ve dealt with a Completion Backwards Principle (thank you to The Tubes).

    Interesting you went to a different planet for the theme song.

    Liked by 1 person

    February 26, 2015 at 5:48 AM

    • Sister Madly

      I’m thinking the ‘All Is One’ theory of Pranksterism might suit me better: I plan it, I carry it out- and if I fail, I know whose fault it is.

      Then again, maybe not.

      And I enjoy interplanetary travel!

      Liked by 1 person

      February 26, 2015 at 3:01 PM

      • Well then Moppet have I got a treat for you! Say the word and I can arrange passage for you. Hey what are fiends for!

        😉

        Liked by 1 person

        February 26, 2015 at 3:22 PM

      • Helps if you leave the departure gate and destination doesn’t it.

        https://transitionu.wordpress.com/2014/11/01/well-okay-then/

        Liked by 1 person

        February 26, 2015 at 3:24 PM

        • Sister Madly

          Several years ago, I worked a retail shop that sold jewelry making supplies and such. We had a customer come in once a week to buy 3 brass beads and an onyx. The brass beads were for a top secret spaceship he was building for the president, called Black Star-1. It was powered by the onyx- also called Black Star-1.

          He therefore became known as Black Star-1.

          Despite this idyllic madness, I always felt that he knew exactly what he was doing. I always wondered what had happened to him.

          I may have just found out. ;c)

          Liked by 1 person

          February 26, 2015 at 4:02 PM

  2. Just wonderful! Poor Jessy though. I wonder what happened to him? Sadly it’s always the children that suffer. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    February 26, 2015 at 5:49 AM

    • Sister Madly

      Jessy was delicious- I mean, returned to his mother unharmed.

      Like

      February 26, 2015 at 3:04 PM

      • LOL, And the salt on his head was mistaken for dandruff. 😉

        Liked by 1 person

        February 26, 2015 at 3:08 PM

        • Sister Madly

          Ha!

          Since he was the offspring of the school’s elite, no doubt they remedy his dandruff and sent him off to become a rich hollandaise sauce.

          Like

          February 26, 2015 at 3:16 PM

        • Oww! That’s awful! I already personified him the minute I saw the little hat.

          Liked by 1 person

          February 26, 2015 at 3:39 PM

        • Sister Madly

          I suppose it is possible that he ran away and joined the circus. His mother was a bit neglectful- he may have rebelled. ;c)

          Like

          February 26, 2015 at 4:00 PM

        • Whew! I feel much better with that. (Better than a bricklayer specializing in walls) 😉

          Liked by 1 person

          February 26, 2015 at 4:18 PM

  3. LOL, very funny! We used to have egg babies too, and than we progressed to five pound bags of flour and eventually, some very real and life like dolls that actually cry. Those dolls are downright creepy. “Lifeskills” the class is called. I think it’s designed to prepare you for living in an asylum run by psychotic clowns.

    Liked by 1 person

    February 26, 2015 at 6:32 AM

    • Sister Madly

      I’ve seen those dolls somewhat recently. Waaay to Twilight Zone for me- I’d end up with Talky Tina, I just know it.

      Liked by 1 person

      February 26, 2015 at 3:05 PM

  4. ~meredith

    i can’t breathe… oh lordy lordy… so funny i laughed my diaphragm into spasms. this is wonderful, deviant one.

    Liked by 1 person

    February 26, 2015 at 7:15 AM

    • Sister Madly

      Thank you. ;c)

      I believe the little prank taught us more about life than egg-sitting ever would. Also, we are not hens.

      Liked by 1 person

      February 26, 2015 at 3:08 PM

  5. Awesome.

    Liked by 1 person

    February 26, 2015 at 8:40 AM

    • Sister Madly

      Thank you!

      Like

      February 26, 2015 at 3:09 PM

  6. You need to watch a little more Adult Swim. An hour or so watching The Venture Bros. and you would have gathered how fruitless the Henchmen are to the Monarch. He instead fails miserably, but the blame ALWAYS goes to the Henchmen…And they too, may very well wear penny loafers. As always, this was pretty damned funny.

    Liked by 1 person

    February 26, 2015 at 12:33 PM

    • Sister Madly

      I like to think that investing a wee bit of trust in henchmen is an attempt to restore my faith in humanity.

      At least, this is what I tell myself. (Actually, that’s not true in the least. But I’m going to start telling myself that.)

      Liked by 1 person

      February 26, 2015 at 3:11 PM

  7. Wait…. Sister Madly went to High School?

    Liked by 1 person

    March 2, 2015 at 10:26 AM

    • Sister Madly

      We all have to make an attempt at a normal development: sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, and sometimes people become Mimes.

      Like

      March 2, 2015 at 12:42 PM

  8. Are you saying that someone could just one day turn into a mime??? Like some sort of surprise mutation??? That couldn’t really happen!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    March 2, 2015 at 1:33 PM

    • Sister Madly

      I firmly believe that it is not the zombie apocalypse that should be feared, but the mime apocalypse. Or zombie mimes…. Yes, definitely sleeping in your sock drawer tonight.

      Liked by 1 person

      March 2, 2015 at 2:55 PM

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