Soda Bread ~ Plague it Safe

Not to be a tattletale, but Sister Madly’s neighbors were NOT practicing proper social-distancing last night. Nor again at 3AM. Or again, around 6.

Like most individuals, Sister Madly has been prohibited from engaging in non-essential activities away from home- including the very specific “going out to browse an open hardware store”- with violations in her state carrying a potential Class C Misdemeanor charge.

And now Sister Madly wants nothing more than to browse an open* hardware store.

* Browsing a closed hardware store, however, is a felony. Sister Madly is spoilt for choice on criminal charges when it comes to hardware stores.

But even Quarantine is not without its risks; one can easily tolerate the minor side-effects associated with prolonged bouts of self-isolation, such as making pinatas filled with cutlery or torching one’s eyebrows off. Still, there is one side-effect so devastating that even Sister Madly is sent into fits at the very thought: the overwhelming desire to bake bread.

Why aren’t there more people talking about this? By the lack of flour at the market, it’s clear that Sister Madly isn’t the only one suffering from this condition, but she is the only one abstaining from it due to the lack of supplies and is, as of yet, asymptomatic. But shelves will one day be restocked, and Sister Madly will be left with no other recourse than to Von Trapp it over the mountains to Tallulah’s, despite being personally* banned from the town.

* The actual phrase was ‘all non-residents,’ but Sister Madly has decided to take this personally.

In the meantime, Sister Madly became a most productive Moppet in hopes of warding off the Bread-Baking Plague:

DAY 3: Sister Madly sifted her Sichuan peppercorns.
DAY 4: She gave the Desert-Wandering Horse a Name.
DAY 5: She forgot what she named the Desert-Wandering Horse.
DAY 8,314,699: Made a Plan for World Domination, but ran into a snag figuring out how to fulfill said Plan while observing proper Social-Distancing Guidelines.
DAY 11: Oiled her olive wood bowls
DAY 12: An owl has moved into the neighborhood. Loves to hoot around the midnight hour.
DAY 13: A sack of flour is silently watching her from the kitchen counter.

Clearly Quarantine Productivity is an old wives’ tale- everybody knows that Sacks of Flour is but the first symptom of the Bread-Baking Plague. As desperate times call for desperate measures, Sister Madly resorted to channeling an Old Acquaintance She’d Sooner Forget in the form of a Totem, lest she be rendered terminally domestic, bereft of all social graces and refusing to travel Southeast Asia because she absolutely must stay home and bake a brioche.

She’s made 3 so far.
She’s also made bread.
It’s a lawless time here in the Madliverse…

To all the writers and poets at whose depiction of life during a post-modern pandemic Sister Madly had often scoffed:
Her sincerest apologies.
But you should have mentioned the bit about the Bread.

SODA BREAD

  • 3 cups all-purpose flour, sifted
  • ¼ cup sugar
  • 1 TBSP baking powder
  • 1½ tsp salt
  • ½ tsp baking soda
  • 1½ cup buttermilk
  • ¼ cup butter, melted
  • 1 egg, beaten

Preheat oven to 375*
Grease cast iron skillet or baking sheet
Combine flour, baking soda, baking powder, sugar, and salt.
Add butter, buttermilk, and egg to flour; mix
Knead dough briefly on floured surface
Shape dough into a ball
Place dough in skillet
Cut an X across top of the loaf
Bake 45-55 minutes, or until a knife comes out clean
Transfer to cooling rack; let rest for 15 min before slicing

THEME SONG: A Horse with No Name, America

13 responses

  1. Heliophile's diary

    This sounds interesting

    Liked by 1 person

    April 19, 2020 at 6:18 AM

    • It was my first time making bread, which was definitely interesting! ;c)

      Liked by 1 person

      April 19, 2020 at 9:49 AM

      • Heliophile's diary

        And that’s a nice try.

        Liked by 1 person

        April 19, 2020 at 7:31 PM

  2. locksley2010

    And so, what name did you give the horse?

    Beware the Dodo, I have observed several images during the Pandemic and wonder if this was his plan all along: keeping the flour for himself!

    Liked by 1 person

    April 20, 2020 at 1:36 AM

    • I think the pandemic is his way of keeping himself relevant beyond the middle ages, the cheeky ol’ bird…

      P.S. I named the horse Servo! :~D

      Like

      April 21, 2020 at 10:49 AM

  3. Looking forward to trying this

    Liked by 1 person

    April 20, 2020 at 5:28 PM

  4. ERASE that other comment…. There were so many typos that I am ashamed of it… see new and improved below: 🙂

    A month back when the Plague was climbing and toilet paper and the last bag of flour and yeast were gone from the shelves…. I searched through my least open cupboard (lately any ways) and lo and behold! I found my own bag of flour and yeast hidden in it… (and sugar)

    With a bread pan and a bready grin I proceeded to make some bread…. Then I had to wait for it to rise… and wait …and wait ….and wait…. and wait… I checked on it … then waited some more some …more….. btw the old addage of “A Watched Pot never boils” has nothing on ” A watch pan never rises”

    I gave up watching and instead watched a movie for the next few hours….then checked it again.

    A wee bit of rise was noticed….

    I did at this point cuss the bread out in its pan. I demeaned it pretty good…

    I left the bread on the stove, covered and went to bed still cussing at the bread under my breath…

    I woke like a kid on Christmas morning and ran down to check on the bread…
    it perhaps had risen only 2″ . Nothing glorious like you saw on those conniving TV commercial from long ago.

    I said, fuck it and threw it in the oven anyways….

    Half way through I slathered a little butter on it…. it then deflated on me a little …so I cussed at it some more…and closed the oven door on it.

    I pulled it out later from the oven and a nice bready fresh smell permeated my nostrils …

    I pulled the cooked dough body from its pan onto a plate and cut it as it cooled down…

    It was not a pretty thing of bread… deflated and flat…but I didnt care…the Plague was ravaging my world outside my door!

    I was going to have bread!

    And I did, and it was warm and delicious….

    I apologized to the bread as I ate it…..btw… I felt bad.

    Liked by 1 person

    April 23, 2020 at 6:28 AM

    • Put a few extra packets of yeast in it next time- not because I know a thing about baking, but because I’m curious to know what you would do when you must choose between facing the Plague outside your door, or the Blob o’ Bread Dough oozing across the kitchen floor.

      After all, it’s happened to the best of us… not to mention that ‘THE BLOB’ is overdue for a decent theatrical remake…

      Liked by 1 person

      April 23, 2020 at 11:40 AM

  5. Hysterical. Loved that first Meme ABout social distancing.
    also, be careful with the piñatas.

    Liked by 1 person

    April 23, 2020 at 3:46 PM

    • The jousting armor will come in handy when playing with the pinatas.

      Like

      April 23, 2020 at 7:39 PM

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