The Great Sandwich Incident

Sister Madly harbors a vendetta against her neighbor. The problem is, she isn’t exactly sure which degenerate that is.

Aromas seem to pool up here in the Satellite of Love, scents that originate from other apartments in the building; recently, as you may recall, there was an incident where someone detonated several cans of tuna. Sister Madly is convinced that this same person is responsible for the latest abomination: the obnoxious stench that is known as warm sandwich.

For those of you who are not in the know, warm sandwich is the scent that results from taking 2 slices of the whitest bread you can find, slathering about 3 lbs of mayo between them, then microwaving the concoction until it explodes.

On special occasions, you use mustard.

Sister Madly believes this assault was vindictive, that her neighbor was deliberately taunting her with a sub-par version of the delicacy she is no longer permitted to enjoy. Within the last few years, Sister Madly has developed an intolerance to certain foods, which have been difficult to pinpoint as her symptoms are a little uncommon and are often mistaken for other ailments, such as irritability, boredom or psychosis. It wasn’t until the situation began its alarming deterioration that an intervention was staged.

It all began several months ago, when this was found inside the freezer:

At first, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Sister Madly has left things in oddball places before- the latest being a jar of anise seed behind the bathroom mirror- and will no doubt continue to do so. There was no reason to believe that this was symptomatic of something a little more serious at that time.

However, a few weeks later:

Wondering about the story behind this?
Yeah, many people are.

Sister Madly refuses to say what exactly happened here, other than that she was ‘having some difficulties’ with her sandwich. Attempts to clarify this only resulted in hostility and the purchase of several MP3’s that she will never in a million years admit to owning. Still, there seemed to be little cause for concern, even though it was hard to believe that someone could screw up this badly making a sandwich.

Then came the Coup de Grace:

A rendition of the Great Sandwich Incident,
whose re-creation was overheard by the neighbors.
It’s called Method Acting, people.

To this day, the events leading up to the Great Sandwich Incident are uncertain, but its aftermath paints a disturbing picture. The situation was clearly out of control, and the danger to other foodstuffs (broccoli, Tootsie Rolls, birdseed) was, indeed, a credible threat. It was obvious that Sister Madly’s food sensitivity was resulting not in the usual rash, sinus affliction and stomach upset- all of which could be medicated- but in the complete inability to make a sandwich.

This, my friends, is the REAL reason why everybody is going gluten free.*

*Only under the supervision of a licensed professional is Sister Madly permitted a sandwich. This makes her current patty melt obsession a little difficult to satisfy.

POST’S THEME SONG: St. James Infirmary Blues, the White Stripes