The Great Sandwich Incident

Sister Madly harbors a vendetta against her neighbor. The problem is, she isn’t exactly sure which degenerate that is.

angrymayo

Aromas seem to pool up here in the Satellite of Love, scents that originate from other apartments in the building; recently, as you may recall, there was an incident where someone detonated several cans of tuna. Sister Madly is convinced that this same person is responsible for the latest abomination: the obnoxious stench that is known as warm sandwich.

For those of you who are not in the know, warm sandwich is the scent that results from taking 2 slices of the whitest bread you can find, slathering about 3 lbs of mayo between them, then microwaving the concoction until it explodes.

On special occasions, you use mustard.

Sister Madly believes this assault was vindictive, that her neighbor was deliberately taunting her with a sub-par version of the delicacy she is no longer permitted to enjoy. Within the last few years, Sister Madly has developed an intolerance to certain foods, which have been difficult to pinpoint as her symptoms are a little uncommon and are often mistaken for other ailments, such as irritability, boredom or psychosis. It wasn’t until the situation began its alarming deterioration that an intervention was staged.

It all began several months ago, when this was found inside the freezer:

Freezer

At first, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Sister Madly has left things in oddball places before- the latest being a jar of anise seed behind the bathroom mirror- and will no doubt continue to do so. There was no reason to believe that this was symptomatic of something a little more serious at that time.

However, a few weeks later:

sandwich mystery

Wondering about the story behind this?
Yeah, many people are.

Sister Madly refuses to say what exactly happened here, other than that she was ‘having some difficulties’ with her sandwich. Attempts to clarify this only resulted in hostility and the purchase of several MP3’s that she will never in a million years admit to owning. Still, there seemed to be little cause for concern, even though it was hard to believe that someone could screw up this badly making a sandwich.

Then came the Coup de Grace:
Coup de Grace

A rendition of the Great Sandwich Incident,
whose re-creation was overheard by the neighbors.
It’s called Method Acting, people.

To this day, the events leading up to the Great Sandwich Incident are uncertain, but its aftermath paints a disturbing picture. The situation was clearly out of control, and the danger to other foodstuffs (broccoli, Tootsie Rolls, birdseed) was, indeed, a credible threat. It was obvious that Sister Madly’s food sensitivity was resulting not in the usual rash, sinus affliction and stomach upset- all of which could be medicated- but in the complete inability to make a sandwich.

This, my friends, is the REAL reason why everybody is going gluten free.*

*Only under the supervision of a licensed professional is Sister Madly permitted a sandwich. This makes her current patty melt obsession a little difficult to satisfy.

dead sandwich

POST’S THEME SONG: St. James Infirmary Blues, the White Stripes

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14 responses

  1. This type of heinous crime appears to be spreading!

    Like

    February 27, 2014 at 4:07 PM

    • Sister Madly

      It’s what comes of intolerance- gluten or otherwise!

      Like

      February 27, 2014 at 4:25 PM

  2. unknown

    horror and food – what’s not to like?? splendid blog, madam.

    Like

    March 23, 2014 at 1:04 PM

    • Sister Madly

      Why, thank you! Although, I’m sure the sandwich would disagree.

      Like

      March 23, 2014 at 2:09 PM

  3. I will never look at my sandwich in the same way again! Awesome read!

    Like

    June 19, 2014 at 8:11 AM

    • Sister Madly

      That is the first step. Then you become suspicious of the sandwich. Then you start to think it’s plotting evil deeds against you. Then it’s all downhill from there!

      Like

      June 19, 2014 at 11:30 AM

      • Egad! And I am a sandwich fan too 🙂
        You’ve got me worried LOL

        Like

        June 19, 2014 at 6:09 PM

        • Sister Madly

          😀

          Like

          June 19, 2014 at 11:49 PM

  4. MP3’s you say. I was trying to find the piece where I left you the alternative theme to show someone. Oh if Angels could only talk through their smiggles.

    Liked by 1 person

    April 30, 2016 at 5:38 PM

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