The Fault in His Stars
Some years ago, Sister Madly found herself employed at Utopia, a bazaar of sorts that was once described as ‘a bunch of weird people doing weird things.’ While slightly out of place in an ultra-conservative town, at times Utopia seemed more characteristic of that friendly desert community where the sun is hot, the moon is beautiful, and strange lights pass overhead while they all pretend to sleep.
It was at Utopia that one’s interest in primitive blow darts went largely unnoticed, that phenomena such fertility gods popping off the walls was common, and it was here that Sister Madly discovered that she can watch a burning stick of incense – Patchouli Forest – for hours and be completely happy. Make no mistake, there were weird people at Utopia: Sister Madly called them ‘Customers.’
She should have known that something was up that day when her boss pawned off one of these customers on her, but Sister Madly was not yet attuned to the subtleties of that class known as Management. No doubt the boy had a question that Management deemed not worthy of their attention.
He had a question, alright: the boy wanted to know the magickal properties of every quartz, crystal and gemstone in the joint, which was no small feat. Amongst other things, the walls of Utopia were like a rock quarry with pendants, beads and other jewelry all bearing natural stones. And no, the boy wasn’t looking to purchase anything: he just wanted information.
Why?
In a manner most dramatic, the boy pulled the chain out from under his collar to reveal a Star of David.
“I’m a Wiccan!”
Now let’s not jump to conclusions, Sister Madly; perhaps he is near-sighted and picked the wrong star out of the box this morning. Surely he is not mistaking a Jewish symbol for a Pagan one.
“For my Book of Shadows!” upon which he had painted another Star of David.
Nope, not near-sighted. Just dumb as a rock.
Star of David ~ Pentagram
A single line makes all the difference
Without being asked, the boy went on to explain how his mother stumbled upon him practicing witchcraft. He was in the garage casting a spell – a shape-shifting spell, if you must know – when she barged on in, crossed herself, picked up his stone altar and tossed it out the picture window. She then set fire to all his spell books and pentagrams, and told him to stop playing his Metallica so loudly. The neighbors are complaining.
Allow Sister Madly to ask the question that is on everyone’s mind: is there a picture window in the garage, or did his mother haul the stone altar into the living room for the sole purpose of chucking it out the window? And if this mother actually did pick up said altar and pitched it out the picture window, perhaps she is the one from whom to seek assistance on all things magickal.
Some say that everything happens for a reason, that there are no coincidences. Perhaps this is the moment for which you were created, Sister Madly: perhaps you can prevent him from further alienating the Pagan and Jewish Communities by converting the poor sap to Pastafarianism, to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (bless his noodly appendages.) In turn the new disciple, still basking in the glow of new-faith euphoria, shall honor the Flying Spaghetti Monster (Parmesan be upon him) by supporting the struggling Italian Restaurant down the street with his patronage.
Or you could just make up magickal properties on the spot.
Sister Madly opted for the latter:
- GARNET ~ invisibility
- ROSE QUARTZ ~ whitens teeth
- OCEAN JASPER ~ protects against gluten
- MOONSTONE ~ turns any rug into a flying carpet
- ONYX ~ telepathy
- LABRADORITE ~ turns thine enemies into pickles
- BLOODSTONE ~ guarantees a conveniently located parking space every single time
- TURQUOISE ~ summons ladybugs
- AMETHYST ~ fertility
- SODALITE ~ protects against diet soda
- JADE ~ leads you to the lost treasure of the Templars, then kills you immediately after
- MARCASITE ~ will make you beautiful in the eyes of anyone named Marc
- ADVENTURINE ~ immortality
- ASPHALT ~ makes you the god of another planet
With his list now complete, all he had to do was obtain some candles, see which of these stones he could find at the gravel pit, “…and tonight, I shall do something I have never done before!”
Bathe?
“Cast my spell by Ozzy!”
Good. Metallica would have been a dead giveaway.
THEME SONG: I’ve Told Ev’ry Little Star, Linda Scott
Image 1) fangoria.com
Joyride
It is official: Sister Madly has been disqualified from the Human Race.
“Curly hair is a mutated gene, you know!”
There is nothing quite like admiration of a younger sibling, the love that is apparent in the gentle reminder that the reason Sister Madly looks the way she does may have resulted from an incident like Chernobyl. This comes at a time when Younger Sibling admits that she is unable prove the beloved theory which states that Sister Madly was not in fact born, but found in a Cabbage Patch.
Yes, Sister Madly, the family took pity on you because… well hey, no one deserves to live amongst cabbages…
It was Tallulah who originally came up with the theory, which may have actually been a compliment as Tallulah absolutely adored her Cabbage Patch Kids even as Sister Madly tried to give hers away. But while it was Tallulah who thought up the theory, it was Younger Sibling who embraced it- and on occasion, embraces it still, because who wouldn’t want to brag about their curly-haired half-human, half-cabbage relative?
However, if Sister Madly is the product of genetic mutation, how is it that she has failed to achieve the height commonly known as average?* Hollywood routinely depicts the pitfalls of radiation as resulting in temperamental bugs and reptilian creatures reaching towering heights, yet Sister Madly can only nip at your ankles. Obviously, the well-meaning Pitfalls of Radiation Consultant hired by the entertainment industry for authenticity purposes missed a crucial day in Pitfalls of Radiation Class.
* Sister Madly is of the opinion that this ‘average height’ debacle can be corrected through a scientific procedure known as ‘bribery,’ in which a large sum of money donated by people other than herself persuades the reporting expert to lower the height known as ‘average’ to one she had attained and surpassed long ago.
Forget climbing all over the grocery store shelves; awkwardness peaks the moment you have to call the landlord to change a light bulb because, even when standing on a chair, you can’t reach it. You can put the chair on top of the kitchen table but your results will vary, the most common of which being a beastly attack by the chair in much the same way that Snoopy was assaulted that unfortunate Thanksgiving Day.
Einstein is said to have written ‘More the Knowledge, Lesser the Ego’ so let us embrace humility through some completely unbiased statistics. Shorter individuals are:
- more likely to outlive taller peers by 2 years
- less likely to be bitten by bugs- in particular, the Scottish biting midge
- more likely to be flung over the shoulder of an ill-tempered Viking for knocking down their sorry-excuse for a flag with a runaway keg
- more likely to find interesting rocks
At this time, Sister Madly can only confirm the last two, as her taller peers have yet to die and as she has never once encountered a Scottish biting midge. She has been flung over the shoulder of an ill-tempered Viking time and again at the Renaissance Faire- initially for that whole runaway keg thing, and thereafter just for the hell of it- and she has found some rather interesting rocks.
Like this one:
This one is magic. It’s a crystal inside of another crystal, a dream within a dream- and while it has yet to transport her to some enchanted fairyland, she knows that it’s only a matter of time. But more importantly, she found this crystal because she was short- at least, that‘s what she‘s been telling herself all her life. She found it because she was short, thus nearer to the ground than her taller, yet younger sibling. The fact that Younger Sibling was nowhere near the gravel pit the day when the magical stone was found was, is and will always be, beside the point.
So why, exactly, has Sister Madly been disqualified from the Human Race?
Because she just took you on a most agonizing joyride through cabbages and genetics for the sole purpose of showing you a picture of her magical rock, and this pleases her.
THEME SONG: Joyride, Roxette
Sister Madly
The Sixpence at Her Feet 