The Fault in His Stars

Some years ago, Sister Madly found herself employed at Utopia, a bazaar of sorts that was once described as ‘a bunch of weird people doing weird things.’ While slightly out of place in an ultra-conservative town, at times Utopia seemed more characteristic of that friendly desert community where the sun is hot, the moon is beautiful, and strange lights pass overhead while they all pretend to sleep.

nightvale-FANGORIA

It was at Utopia that one’s interest in primitive blow darts went largely unnoticed, that phenomena such fertility gods popping off the walls was common, and it was here that Sister Madly discovered that she can watch a burning stick of incense – Patchouli Forest – for hours and be completely happy. Make no mistake, there were weird people at Utopia: Sister Madly called them ‘Customers.’

She should have known that something was up that day when her boss pawned off one of these customers on her, but Sister Madly was not yet attuned to the subtleties of that class known as Management. No doubt the boy had a question that Management deemed not worthy of their attention.

007

He had a question, alright: the boy wanted to know the magickal properties of every quartz, crystal and gemstone in the joint, which was no small feat. Amongst other things, the walls of Utopia were like a rock quarry with pendants, beads and other jewelry all bearing natural stones. And no, the boy wasn’t looking to purchase anything: he just wanted information.

Why?

In a manner most dramatic, the boy pulled the chain out from under his collar to reveal a Star of David.

“I’m a Wiccan!”

Now let’s not jump to conclusions, Sister Madly; perhaps he is near-sighted and picked the wrong star out of the box this morning. Surely he is not mistaking a Jewish symbol for a Pagan one.

“For my Book of Shadows!” upon which he had painted another Star of David.

Nope, not near-sighted. Just dumb as a rock.

pent sd

Star of David ~ Pentagram
A single line makes all the difference

Without being asked, the boy went on to explain how his mother stumbled upon him practicing witchcraft. He was in the garage casting a spell – a shape-shifting spell, if you must know – when she barged on in, crossed herself, picked up his stone altar and tossed it out the picture window. She then set fire to all his spell books and pentagrams, and told him to stop playing his Metallica so loudly. The neighbors are complaining.

Allow Sister Madly to ask the question that is on everyone’s mind: is there a picture window in the garage, or did his mother haul the stone altar into the living room for the sole purpose of chucking it out the window? And if this mother actually did pick up said altar and pitched it out the picture window, perhaps she is the one from whom to seek assistance on all things magickal.

flying_spaghetti_monster

Some say that everything happens for a reason, that there are no coincidences. Perhaps this is the moment for which you were created, Sister Madly: perhaps you can prevent him from further alienating the Pagan and Jewish Communities by converting the poor sap to Pastafarianism, to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (bless his noodly appendages.) In turn the new disciple, still basking in the glow of new-faith euphoria, shall honor the Flying Spaghetti Monster (Parmesan be upon him) by supporting the struggling Italian Restaurant down the street with his patronage.

Or you could just make up magickal properties on the spot.

Sister Madly opted for the latter:

  • GARNET ~ invisibility
  • ROSE QUARTZ ~ whitens teeth
  • OCEAN JASPER ~ protects against gluten
  • MOONSTONE ~ turns any rug into a flying carpet
  • ONYX ~ telepathy
  • LABRADORITE ~ turns thine enemies into pickles
  • BLOODSTONE ~ guarantees a conveniently located parking space every single time
  • TURQUOISE ~ summons ladybugs
  • AMETHYST ~ fertility
  • SODALITE ~ protects against diet soda
  • JADE ~ leads you to the lost treasure of the Templars, then kills you immediately after
  • MARCASITE ~ will make you beautiful in the eyes of anyone named Marc
  • ADVENTURINE ~ immortality
  • ASPHALT ~ makes you the god of another planet

With his list now complete, all he had to do was obtain some candles, see which of these stones he could find at the gravel pit, “…and tonight, I shall do something I have never done before!”

Bathe?

“Cast my spell by Ozzy!”

Good. Metallica would have been a dead giveaway.

THEME SONG: I’ve Told Ev’ry Little Star, Linda Scott


Image 1) fangoria.com

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28 responses

  1. dara40

    As always, Sister Madly’s crazy, animated life drew me in. Her life could be a t.v. series.

    Liked by 1 person

    July 23, 2015 at 5:35 AM

    • Sister Madly

      What if I told you that ALL our lives are currently being broadcast on TV?

      (I think I just gave myself the creeps…)

      Liked by 1 person

      July 23, 2015 at 2:36 PM

      • dara40

        Woohoohahaa!! I think you’re correct… creepy for sure

        Liked by 1 person

        July 23, 2015 at 2:57 PM

  2. darkenwulfbytes

    Totally funny…I’m connected to magic and witchcraft and you’ve found the weak points of the wanna-be’s. Good work, Sister Madly and confuse those poor suckers!

    Liked by 2 people

    July 23, 2015 at 5:46 AM

    • Sister Madly

      Thank you! Although, I fear that I had too much fun at the boy’s expense. I may even feel regret someday.

      But probably not.

      Like

      July 23, 2015 at 2:40 PM

  3. Well told Sister Madly.

    I come bearing Garlic Bread as offering to the great deity that is the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

    Very good of you not to crush a young zealots ah uhm, well zeal by (metaphysically) circular filing his euphorium and (physically) his person!

    It sounds as if this may indeed have been a happy adventure or at the very least bemusing.

    Thank you for enlightening me on Labradorite. I thought that substance immediately dried a wet Labrador Retriever. As we know a wet Labrador is the most affectionate creature known to man!

    Liked by 1 person

    July 23, 2015 at 6:13 AM

    • Sister Madly

      Not crushing the young zealots is the keystone to good customer service.

      And I personally own several labradorite pieces, myself. I also have a new jar of pickles, and haven’t seen my friends in about a week.

      I assure you, it is all a coincidence.

      Liked by 1 person

      July 23, 2015 at 2:45 PM

      • I was looking for a Gherkin to go with my corned beef sandwich. What ever you got is good.

        Coincidence of the evidence, Gherkin at the Firkin it’s all good.

        Liked by 1 person

        July 23, 2015 at 3:03 PM

        • Sister Madly

          Well, if you’re not picky, I’ll be sending you the pickle that was once my landlord.

          Liked by 2 people

          July 23, 2015 at 3:12 PM

        • Pickled Landlord. Does it go well with a fricassee of water fowl?

          Liked by 1 person

          July 23, 2015 at 3:23 PM

        • Sister Madly

          Would that be a tall, pink water fowl?

          If so, it’s delicious.

          Liked by 1 person

          July 23, 2015 at 3:29 PM

        • 😉

          Liked by 1 person

          July 23, 2015 at 3:38 PM

  4. ~meredith

    amazing stones. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    July 23, 2015 at 6:23 AM

    • Sister Madly

      Aren’t they?

      Who knew the Earth contained such practical powers? I bet that parking space one came in real handy during the Jurassic Era.

      Liked by 1 person

      July 23, 2015 at 2:48 PM

  5. LOL! Dumber than a box of crystals! Metallica however, at least he had good taste in music. I really wish I’d known about amethysts and fertility, this explains everything! Sheesh, somebody should put a surgeon general’s warning on those things.

    I have a few Utopia shops near here, too. You are right, the customers are the worst part. What are you people even looking for?! Also, you’re starting to scare me…

    Liked by 1 person

    July 23, 2015 at 6:49 AM

    • Sister Madly

      Why HAS the Surgeon General kept silent on the issue of Amethysts? Is it because they are not FDA approved (unlike American Cheese, which is)?

      I have to say, though, having worked retail in such a place as that has taught how to behave when I, myself, am the customer- wherever I go!

      Liked by 1 person

      July 23, 2015 at 3:02 PM

  6. locksley2010

    I was hoping you would finish by making them up on the spot, glad you didn’t disappoint! 😁

    Liked by 1 person

    July 23, 2015 at 9:53 AM

    • Sister Madly

      Why, I wouldn’t dream of disappointing you!

      I only hope that boy didn’t gain any disciples, because there was probably some really weird things going on in that garage after that.

      Liked by 1 person

      July 23, 2015 at 3:10 PM

  7. Miss Crocodile

    I have been asked on more than one occasion if I was Jewish because of my Pentagram.

    The expression on their faces when I disillusioned them was priceless.

    Liked by 1 person

    July 24, 2015 at 8:51 AM

    • Sister Madly

      HA! I can only imagine- maybe I should wear one just to see the look firsthand.

      “Why yes, I am Jewish- but due to budget cuts, we had to remove a line from the star!”

      I so want to try that now!

      Like

      July 24, 2015 at 1:20 PM

  8. Hi! I just nominated you for the Dragon’s Loyalty Award! It is in my last post, if you are interested. Xx xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    July 25, 2015 at 1:06 PM

  9. Wow, this was awesome

    Liked by 1 person

    August 2, 2015 at 9:30 AM

    • Sister Madly

      Thank you! It was also a lot of fun back in the day when it happened ;c)

      Like

      August 2, 2015 at 2:15 PM

  10. If you have any Adventurine rocks left I will come by to pick it up as I am a glutton (almost wrote gluten there) for punishment and want to live forever. Now is it taken orally or applied topically….:)

    Liked by 1 person

    November 12, 2015 at 6:41 AM

    • Sister Madly

      Gluten… ;c)

      I don’t see any Adventurine around here at the moment, but there’s plenty of asphalt!

      I’d say… topically. While baking these stones into a pie is acceptable, the magical properties will be temporary at best.

      Liked by 1 person

      November 12, 2015 at 11:44 AM

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