The Fault in His Stars
Some years ago, Sister Madly found herself employed at Utopia, a bazaar of sorts that was once described as ‘a bunch of weird people doing weird things.’ While slightly out of place in an ultra-conservative town, at times Utopia seemed more characteristic of that friendly desert community where the sun is hot, the moon is beautiful, and strange lights pass overhead while they all pretend to sleep.
It was at Utopia that one’s interest in primitive blow darts went largely unnoticed, that phenomena such fertility gods popping off the walls was common, and it was here that Sister Madly discovered that she can watch a burning stick of incense – Patchouli Forest – for hours and be completely happy. Make no mistake, there were weird people at Utopia: Sister Madly called them ‘Customers.’
She should have known that something was up that day when her boss pawned off one of these customers on her, but Sister Madly was not yet attuned to the subtleties of that class known as Management. No doubt the boy had a question that Management deemed not worthy of their attention.
He had a question, alright: the boy wanted to know the magickal properties of every quartz, crystal and gemstone in the joint, which was no small feat. Amongst other things, the walls of Utopia were like a rock quarry with pendants, beads and other jewelry all bearing natural stones. And no, the boy wasn’t looking to purchase anything: he just wanted information.
In a manner most dramatic, the boy pulled the chain out from under his collar to reveal a Star of David.
“I’m a Wiccan!”
Now let’s not jump to conclusions, Sister Madly; perhaps he is near-sighted and picked the wrong star out of the box this morning. Surely he is not mistaking a Jewish symbol for a Pagan one.
“For my Book of Shadows!” upon which he had painted another Star of David.
Nope, not near-sighted. Just dumb as a rock.
Star of David ~ Pentagram
A single line makes all the difference
Without being asked, the boy went on to explain how his mother stumbled upon him practicing witchcraft. He was in the garage casting a spell – a shape-shifting spell, if you must know – when she barged on in, crossed herself, picked up his stone altar and tossed it out the picture window. She then set fire to all his spell books and pentagrams, and told him to stop playing his Metallica so loudly. The neighbors are complaining.
Allow Sister Madly to ask the question that is on everyone’s mind: is there a picture window in the garage, or did his mother haul the stone altar into the living room for the sole purpose of chucking it out the window? And if this mother actually did pick up said altar and pitched it out the picture window, perhaps she is the one from whom to seek assistance on all things magickal.
Some say that everything happens for a reason, that there are no coincidences. Perhaps this is the moment for which you were created, Sister Madly: perhaps you can prevent him from further alienating the Pagan and Jewish Communities by converting the poor sap to Pastafarianism, to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (bless his noodly appendages.) In turn the new disciple, still basking in the glow of new-faith euphoria, shall honor the Flying Spaghetti Monster (Parmesan be upon him) by supporting the struggling Italian Restaurant down the street with his patronage.
Or you could just make up magickal properties on the spot.
Sister Madly opted for the latter:
- GARNET ~ invisibility
- ROSE QUARTZ ~ whitens teeth
- OCEAN JASPER ~ protects against gluten
- MOONSTONE ~ turns any rug into a flying carpet
- ONYX ~ telepathy
- LABRADORITE ~ turns thine enemies into pickles
- BLOODSTONE ~ guarantees a conveniently located parking space every single time
- TURQUOISE ~ summons ladybugs
- AMETHYST ~ fertility
- SODALITE ~ protects against diet soda
- JADE ~ leads you to the lost treasure of the Templars, then kills you immediately after
- MARCASITE ~ will make you beautiful in the eyes of anyone named Marc
- ADVENTURINE ~ immortality
- ASPHALT ~ makes you the god of another planet
With his list now complete, all he had to do was obtain some candles, see which of these stones he could find at the gravel pit, “…and tonight, I shall do something I have never done before!”
“Cast my spell by Ozzy!”
Good. Metallica would have been a dead giveaway.
THEME SONG: I’ve Told Ev’ry Little Star, Linda Scott
Image 1) fangoria.com