The Razor’s Edge

At an early age, Sister Madly learned to master some heavy-handed life-hacks, such as respiration and how to use a bendy straw. But one such life-hack that continued to elude her throughout her childhood was how to properly utilize a knife in polite society.

pirate rigging

One would think that with Sister Madly’s inclination for all things medieval that she was born wielding the weapon- but this does not guarantee the corresponding intuition of proper knife utilization. Sure, Sister Madly knows the basic safety measures when harvesting human organs down in the secret sub-cellar, and no doubt she could become an expert in fancy knife theatrics in very little time (say, 60 years or so); one can even imagine her as a plucky little lass climbing a ship’s rigging with a knife clenched between her teeth (difficult to do, by the way, without salivating like a St. Bernard.) Yet it took her a substantial amount of time to grasp the fundamentals of knife etiquette at the dinner table- to the point of embarrassment.

She often wondered why her parents had the nerve to serve her food that required a knife and fork when they knew that she was shamelessly incompetent with said knife and fork in the first place (even at that age, Sister Madly was conceited, lazy and naughty.) More often than not, Sister Madly contemplated eating these impossible meals with her hands, but that would probably result in another “you weren’t born in a barn” lecture- although she couldn’t quite understand why this was an insult, seeing as Jesus was born in a barn and some say that he is the Messiah.

viking ship

The whole situation frustrated her mother the most. “Your father is not going to be there to cut your food for you when you’re on a date, you know.”

Sister Madly was actually rather pleased with this statement, as it assured her that her father would not be tagging along on her dates in later years. Still, that didn’t make the food-cutting task any easier, with the fork held in a clumsy fist and the knife routinely falling to the floor; one could trace such behavior back to her Viking roots, which of course her mother would not understand since these roots are said to be paternal in origin.*

* While Sister Madly may exhibit barbaric tendencies, there is no actual proof that she is of Viking heritage as no one has been able to trace her family tree back more than 3 or 4 generations. But if it can‘t be proven, neither can it be refuted.

Then one evening, her father offered up this modest suggestion:

Switch hands.

apocalypse ready

At first, this seemed illogical. Why, things like pencils, pens, machetes, battleaxes and grenades automatically found their way into her right hand ever since she could remember; surely using a knife with her left would cause the rivers of the world to flow backwards while bringing about the apocalypse. While she was okay with that, Sister Madly still wanted the opportunity to go on a date at least once before the end of the world.

Still, her father had never deliberately steered her wrong (a quality that Sister Madly did not inherit, she is proud to say.) And it is quite possible that she would hit it off with one of the Four Horseman, should her dad be wrong- a date with Famine would most likely not result in sawing away at a stuffed pheasant in some fine French restaurant.

So she switched hands.

And it worked like a dream.

It was this bit of parental insight that has sustained Sister Madly into maturity adulthood. Tasks that were next to impossible with her right hand have become effortless with her left, such as throwing a Frisbee, peeling vegetables, striking matches (again, totally inept until the moment she switched hands*) and most importantly, writing on mirrors in lipstick.

* Note: the sudden increase of mysterious fires around town the day after this discovery was purely coincidental.

Sister Madly has yet to go on a date where she is required to use a knife- to cut food, that is. There are other uses for a knife, you know.

knives on dates

THEME SONG: Cuts You Up, Peter Murphy

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28 responses

  1. Meredith

    😀 sick… you do it so well! Happy New Year.
    Meredith

    Liked by 1 person

    January 7, 2016 at 7:03 AM

    • Sister Madly

      Why, thank you! And a Happy New Year to you as well!

      Like

      January 8, 2016 at 1:43 PM

  2. Little known fact, if you turn and face Mecca from America, you become a North Paw.

    Me, I’m just confused and OCD.

    Frisbee, right. Pool playing, left. Peeling, right. Knifing food, left. Writing right (can do backwards on windshields, fast). Guitar all those years ago, left. AND THERE SHALL BE NO DEVIATION!

    Batting cave … which ever way the bat is warped … no wait that’s hockey that has warped bats

    And who doesn’t always carry a knife? It aint a Crocodile Dundee, “Now that’s a knife” but it’ll carve. You’d be surprised the things it’ll carve out.

    Liked by 2 people

    January 7, 2016 at 7:06 AM

    • Sister Madly

      How often must you utilize the backwards writing on windshields?

      As for pool, that game is just impossible. But the cue makes for a nice javelin- either hand.

      Liked by 2 people

      January 8, 2016 at 1:38 PM

      • Anytime it’ll help me make a point and sometimes it’s just bonus activity.

        The Cue; Pretty handy for cleaning up a certain pool your way. I like it!

        Liked by 1 person

        January 8, 2016 at 2:28 PM

        • Sister Madly

          Does sarcasm translate when written in this manner?

          Liked by 1 person

          January 8, 2016 at 2:54 PM

        • Hmmmm seems WP has been holding out on me. No need to translate, just silver back the windshield and whack em with it.

          Ever hear of parallax? Kind of like that.

          Liked by 1 person

          January 11, 2016 at 7:37 AM

  3. My daughter suffers similarly — perhaps I should make the same suggestion? But… that would make things so much easier for her, and less entertaining for me…

    Liked by 2 people

    January 7, 2016 at 7:50 PM

    • Sister Madly

      A difficult decision. Perhaps you can wait until she is fast approaching dating age, which allows the entertainment to continue through a few more meals…?

      Liked by 2 people

      January 8, 2016 at 1:34 PM

  4. You already had me chuckling and snorting along- great read, but when I read ‘born in a barn’ I almost fell off my chair. My mother always said that. Surely that is regional, Illinois, Michigan, etc. I always thought she got it from her mother, and so forth

    Liked by 1 person

    January 8, 2016 at 3:36 AM

    • Sister Madly

      Ha! It MUST be regional! Makes me wonder how this sentiment is conveyed in other parts of the country.

      Like

      January 8, 2016 at 1:30 PM

      • Were you raised in a rodeo?

        Liked by 1 person

        January 8, 2016 at 1:31 PM

        • Sister Madly

          Or a gator farm?

          Like

          January 8, 2016 at 1:35 PM

      • I’m from AZ, and my mother always said the same. Ironically, I tried spending as much time in the barn as possible.

        Liked by 1 person

        January 8, 2016 at 2:56 PM

        • Sister Madly

          Perhaps it is then continental.

          So, if you were hanging out in the barn, could this phrase be interpreted as ‘Atta Girl!’ ? ;c)

          Liked by 1 person

          January 8, 2016 at 3:04 PM

        • I wish!

          Liked by 1 person

          January 8, 2016 at 3:32 PM

    • I think born in barn is universal. Got it here in Southern Ontario too.

      Liked by 1 person

      January 8, 2016 at 2:31 PM

      • Sister Madly

        How about Northern Ontario?

        Liked by 1 person

        January 8, 2016 at 2:59 PM

        • Born in Northern Ontario it would be this way, “Né dans une grange”.

          Fair amount of en francais up there.

          Liked by 1 person

          January 11, 2016 at 7:39 AM

  5. 😂😂😂 you have as always brought laughs SM!

    Liked by 1 person

    January 8, 2016 at 8:29 PM

    • Sister Madly

      Aw, thank you, my friend!!

      Next time, however, I’ll try to bring money. Or at least a milk shake. ;c)

      Liked by 1 person

      January 8, 2016 at 9:22 PM

  6. Ha! Very entertaining. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    January 10, 2016 at 5:42 PM

    • Sister Madly

      Thank you! Perhaps I can take the show on the road? ;c)

      Liked by 1 person

      January 10, 2016 at 8:47 PM

  7. I missed this bit of writing from 12 days ago…how did I let that happen?! Travesty….
    Yet again you made smile, chuckle, lol, and then smile again … and YES that all really happened and in that order….

    You were a breath of fresh air in my morning so perhaps it was good timing….as I needed it.

    ALWAYS love your stories with your own unique brand of you….you cant bottle that shit.

    Thanks for a lovely read…

    Liked by 1 person

    January 19, 2016 at 5:24 AM

    • Sister Madly

      It’s probably best that it cannot be bottled- it would not be FDA approved.

      And thank you! ;c)

      Liked by 1 person

      January 21, 2016 at 4:35 PM

  8. Mr Modigliani

    Lol. This was quite a first read. I trust that you have now mastered this skill and that no one has been maimed

    Liked by 1 person

    February 24, 2016 at 2:30 AM

    • Indeed, I can cut steak like a champ!

      And no one has been maimed thus far… that is, unintentionally. ;c)

      Like

      February 24, 2016 at 11:11 AM

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