The Monastery of Fruit Cake and Honey

Sophistication can be tricky, especially in the art of deciding whether to arrive to an assignation on time, or fashionably late. But what is apparently quite unacceptable is the in-between tardiness that results from staring at a giant mushroom.

giant mushroom

It wasn’t that this tardiness was found to be thoughtless or even rude, but unnatural. Delays involving traffic, bees, and runaway steamrollers have all been overlooked, but the fungus was deemed inexcusable as the Professors seem to be biologically opposed to all things mushroom. In fact, they didn’t seem to believe that Sister Madly saw the mushroom at all, which resulted in a frustration she hadn’t felt since Christmas Eve, when no one believed that Elvis was sitting on her neighbor’s balcony.

So after much discussion, the Professors came to the logical conclusion that Sister Madly would greatly benefit from a week-long retreat at the Trappist Monastery.

To begin with, Sister Madly doesn’t like how this particular monastic order contains the word Trap. No doubt that name exists for a reason, and she’s not too keen on finding out why. Besides, it’s not like she ate the mushroom, although she did form a bond with a hookah-smoking caterpillar over their mutual lack of height.

The Professors cheerfully overlooked these misgivings, determined that Sister Madly would embrace the simple life once she was not only aware of all the thrills…

“You can make creamed honey-”

…but moments of sweet meditation.

“-and fruit cake!”

watermelons

Yes, very few graduates today realize that all of life’s predicaments can be rectified with a bakery and a beehive, as Monastic Fruit Cake Philosophy is only available on a PhD level. Sister Madly herself was ill-equipped upon finishing high school, facing the world with nothing more than knowledge of how to add and subtract papayas, that throwing tea into a harbor results in warfare, and that battery acid eats through shirts.* Had she furthered her education, she might not have been contaminated by Giant Mushroom Awe.

* The understanding of battery acid came about in a household setting rather than the classroom.
(Sorry about that.)

But why a Trappist Monastery? What about the monks who make cider? Why can’t she spend a few days with those fine gentlemen?

silence

The Professors thought the reason was obvious enough: the Monks Who Make Cider live in a little place called The Other Side of the World, which was a wee bit outside of their ‘stay-for-free-but-donations-are-accepted’ budget.

“Besides, Trappist Monks are known for their silence.”

Well, that’s a comfort: the monks will be unable to tattle on Sister Madly when she engages in some very un-monastic rituals, such as swimming in the baptistery and putting toothpaste in the fruit cake. Surely nothing is more infuriating than a gossipy little monk.*

* Or a gossipy tall monk, for that matter.

boring

But wait- would she also be bound by this vow of silence? Not that she’s a chatty little supernova, mind you, but Sister Madly has been known to talk to, with, and amongst herself on occasion. And of course, she simply must reply; not responding to oneself when speaking to oneself is most impolite. But this mandatory silence would be like giving herself the cold shoulder, and Sister Madly might take offense and not speak to herself for days.

“It’s not completely silent; after all, there is a confessor.”

talk to myself

If that is not the essence of ingenuity! No need for the monks to tattle; Sister Madly will be required to tattle on herself! Then she will sulk and call herself names, which will escalate to rumor-spreading and hair-pulling, after which Sister Madly will vow to never tell herself another secret again.

Well son of a biscuit, Sister Madly- you just uncovered the Trap of Trappist! This whole ‘retreat’ is just a ruse on the part of the Professors to thwart future high-jinks and delicious skullduggery, all of which takes a great deal of planning amongst yourself; the Giant Mushroom is just an excuse to implement it. They’re trying to make you just like them, all responsible and early-to-bed. You need to put a stop to this wicked agenda at once!

Professor- did you do something with your hair?

“No…”

That’s what she thought.

THEME SONG: Enjoy the Silence, Depeche Mode

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28 responses

  1. This is an amazing piece!!! Just loved it and the mushrooms….. thanks for making my day! 🙂 Michelle

    Liked by 1 person

    August 20, 2016 at 5:21 AM

    • Thank you kindly! I appreciate the encouragement. May you encounter many giant mushrooms in your future! ;c)

      Liked by 1 person

      August 20, 2016 at 11:05 AM

  2. Point of Information: Saskatchewan is also a place where if you buy 60 Watermelons no one wonders why.

    This Trappist mantra, does it go anything like this? “Hail Madly hand full of mace, what have you now of disgrace”?

    Liked by 1 person

    August 20, 2016 at 9:27 AM

    • So ‘Saskatchewan’ is the native word for ‘math’. Got it.

      Mantra, indeed- should anyone bring incur my wrath , they shall be required to say at least 3 Hail Madly’s as penance.

      Liked by 2 people

      August 20, 2016 at 11:13 AM

  3. Well done!! Enjoyed reading this!! 😂

    Liked by 1 person

    August 20, 2016 at 6:04 PM

    • Perhaps you will join me on this silent retreat…?

      Just think of all the hi-jinx that would follow!!

      Liked by 1 person

      August 20, 2016 at 7:59 PM

      • Lol!! I will be a rather “bad” influence….😂😂

        Liked by 1 person

        August 20, 2016 at 8:00 PM

        • I wouldn’t want it any other way!!

          Liked by 1 person

          August 20, 2016 at 8:02 PM

        • Then we “unite” and “hi jinx” as you aptly put it lol😂😂

          Liked by 1 person

          August 20, 2016 at 8:06 PM

        • Aye! Look out Silent-Monks-Who-Cannot-Tattle-On-Us… here we come!

          Liked by 1 person

          August 20, 2016 at 8:12 PM

        • Avast me maties….off to the monastery we 2 go….bubble bubble toil and trouble 😂😂😂
          Have a great Sunday SM

          Liked by 1 person

          August 20, 2016 at 8:15 PM

        • Hee Hee!

          Hope you have a great day as well! ;c)

          Liked by 1 person

          August 20, 2016 at 8:24 PM

  4. I will definitely come on a retreat with ya…but you have to bring the cider….:) btw..I have been know to talk to myself as well……I usually only make sense to myself half the time so I guess I am good company ….:)

    great read as always Miss M

    Liked by 1 person

    August 26, 2016 at 8:45 PM

    • If it’s a retreat at a silent monastery, then there will definitely be cider smuggled in!

      But will it be fun- or possible- to be both silent AND drunk?

      Liked by 1 person

      August 27, 2016 at 8:38 AM

      • Highly improbable to be both…we will have to pick one 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        August 27, 2016 at 9:03 AM

        • Well drunk obviously!

          Did I really need to say that? ;c)

          Liked by 1 person

          August 27, 2016 at 9:15 AM

        • Ha…I think I know you well enough by now to guess that answer before it was asked…:)

          Liked by 1 person

          August 27, 2016 at 10:17 AM

  5. It has been my experience that hanging out with hookah-smoking caterpillars, while interesting, can bring with it a certain amount of societal reproach and sometimes even legal sanction. I suppose that living with fruitcake monks who can’t talk about it is a step up. I once was acquainted with a man who stole watermelons from the back of a flatbed truck while speeding down the Fredricksburg Road late one night perched on the fender of a ’49 Ford and passing them to his drunken relatives inside the car. That particular adventure got him a busted melon of his own. But a steel plate in said melon and he was good as new. Although after that, he did publicly have very loud and profane arguments either with himself or someone else that the rest of us couldn’t see. I was going to comment on something else, but I’ve forgotten what it was.

    Liked by 1 person

    September 4, 2016 at 11:59 AM

    • Now THIS is why math is so dangerous! If he hadn’t been taught at an early age that it is normal to possess 60 watermelons at any given time, this tragedy might have been avoided.

      Like

      September 4, 2016 at 4:17 PM

      • That’s it! That’s the other thing I was going to comment on. I knew SM’s story had something to do with math. I also have more watermelon stories.

        Liked by 1 person

        September 4, 2016 at 6:27 PM

  6. Well of course stories about misappropriated watermelons are inherently dark. But the one I had in mind is not terrifying. Just sketchy.

    Liked by 1 person

    September 5, 2016 at 6:26 PM

  7. This one involves good old country boys. I’ll save it for the right moment. I don’t want to use up my material too quickly. Then I’d have to start making stuff up.

    Liked by 1 person

    September 8, 2016 at 10:47 AM

  8. so enjoedible! that’s my kind of mathshroomatics…
    rant on self and kitties too.
    tks for the read both here and in the corner of the vortex

    Liked by 1 person

    September 30, 2016 at 8:33 AM

    • ‘Mathshroomatics’- I like that! Certainly would have made school more enjoyable back in the day.

      I enjoyed your poem- look forward to reading more. Thanks for stopping by!

      Like

      September 30, 2016 at 11:17 AM

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