Now Hiring: the Mortuary

And on the air was the scent of hush puppies ~
Too cruel, she said, too cruel.

Poetry like this accounts for the continuing success of bongos and berets.

It also accounts for the long litany of Sister Madly’s unanswered applications over the years. Perhaps she shouldn’t have included that little ditty on her résumé after all.

Some years ago, Sister Madly was forced to admit that one can spend only so much time shape-shifting and harvesting organs down in the cellar without paying the electric bill. In an effort to remedy this, one particular Want Ad drew her attention like a fly to a lovely blue bug-zapper: a Hearse Driver for the Mortuary.

They didn’t demand much: professional appearance, clean driving record, willing to work for ten cents above minimum wage. No doubt the customer complaints would be on the low side- a plus during her darker, more introverted moments* – and let’s not overlook the generous perks, such as the use of the company car. Sister Madly delighted in the vision of gleefully joyriding that Doombuggy through the nearby HOA.

* i.e., all the time.

Of course every job has its drawbacks, such as the potential to seriously impede her already questionable social skills by associating with nothing but the dead, not to mention that a rundown of her day could really sour the mood at a party. She could call herself a chauffeur, if asked: whether the person she transports in that limousine alive or not is merely a technicality. Furthermore, it is better than come cushy job that requires her to harass little blue-haired ladies and mispronounce their names.

Though her motives were slightly suspicious, Sister Madly allowed herself to daydream that first magical day on the job…

Or perhaps she should keep looking.

And so Sister Madly spent the next 3 minutes daydreaming herself into all the brilliant careers that would inevitably cross her path, including:

~ Personal Trainer ~

~ Body Guard ~

~ Superhero ~

~ Ice Cream Truck ~

~ Celebrity ~

~ Indie Musician Who Pours Taps at Local Craft Brewery on Wednesdays ~

~ Artist’s Model ~

~ Latest Fad-Diet Weight Loss Guru ~

~ Nanny ~

~ Personal Shopper ~

~ THIS ~

~ Undercover Security Agent at PDX International Airport ~

~ Little Bunny Foo-Foo ~

~ The T-1000 Terminator ~

~ Lead ‘Bud’tender at the Corner Head Shop ~

~ Navy Seal ~

Then again, mortuary work depends entirely upon bodies. Perhaps Sister Madly would be more successful in the business of creating those bodies rather than collecting them. An independent contractor, if you will.

So would any of you like some elderberry wine?

** Sister Madly tends to picture herself as a Smart Car. No one knows why.

THEME SONG: Working Girl, The Members

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All Images: Pinterest