Habitat Against Humanity: the HOA

If only she were the Pizza Boy…

hoa 3

This Sister Madly lamented as she sulked outside the gated community that refused to let her in. Nobody, but nobody would refuse admittance to the Pizza Boy; he has access to some of the most exclusive, if not luxurious, districts in the world!

But if the truth be told, the only reason she wanted to intrude upon this neighborhood was that she simply wasn’t allowed, which resulted in a spectacular fit. However, it was this tantrum that led her to the INFO Box containing the Association’s bylaws, should Sister Madly wish to settle down in the community as there were several building sites available…

A few days later, Elitist Gated Community found themselves subjected to a new set of bylaws, as those in the INFO Box were replaced by Sister Madly persons unknown, with the Manifesto outlined below. 

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

SUMMARY OF RESTRICTIONS
FOR ARKHAM ACRES SITE CONDOMINIUM ASSOCIATION

1. Each unit is limited to one single-family residence.  Home occupation is permitted subject to requirements set forth in the bylaws, wherein doomsday cults are prohibited without prior written permission from the Association, as additional fees are required per month until the pre-determined day of damnation.

2. Written approval by the Association is required for the following: outbuildings, flag poles, Zen gardens, bunkers, picnic tables, hammocks, spider webs, and pools.

2.1 Only kidney-shaped pools are permitted.

3. Construction and landscaping plans must be approved by the Association. If such plans are not satisfactory, the Association will takeover the construction and landscaping designs for the resident.

3.1 Houses made of stucco, stones, logs, cedar siding, aluminium siding, ice, sugar cubes, or gingerbread are prohibited.

3.2 Rose bushes, once approved by the Association, must be absent of thorns at all times.

4. Garage doors are to be kept closed at all times, except that which is reasonably necessary to gain access to and from any garage. Violators are subject to an HOA fine and a surly note from the Condo Board President, Great Cthulhu.

garage door

5. Signage is not permitted. This includes but is not limited to: hunting restrictions, trespass notices, bio-hazard warnings, billboards, and celebrations banners. The Community Newsletter, quarantine warnings, and foreclosure notices are exempt.

5.1 No political sign may be displayed during election years, unless and only if signs supporting all major candidates are displayed side by side, without showing prejudice or partiality to any one party in particular.

6. No animals, fish or fowl may be kept or maintained, except dogs, cats, Deep Ones, and ferrets, which may be kept in reasonable numbers are pets. The Association prohibits the stray wanderings of animals kept as pets, unless and only if the pet is the same or similar design, color and texture of the residence.

7. Recreational and commercial vehicles may not be parked, stored, used, looked at, or thought about without the prior written permission of the Association.

7.1. Zeppelins are exempt and may be used on the property at your leisure, subject only to the requirements set forth in the Association’s bylaws.

steampunk airship

8. Trees, fences, gates, or dandelions cannot be located closer than 33 feet from the center line of the private road.

8.1 The center line of the private road is prohibited.

9. No accessory building may have more than 50.32 square feet, and must have the same or similar design, color and texture as the residence.

9.1 Outhouse accessory buildings are to follow Association guidelines, with the addition of the mandatory last quarter moon on the door. First quarter moons are strictly prohibited.

10. All garden hoses are to be coiled in a counter-clockwise spiral when not in use.

11. Parking vehicles in the driveway is not permitted, unless and only if the vehicle is the same or similar design, color and texture as the residence.

12. Swing sets, bird baths, plastic flamingos, and lawn ornaments are strictly prohibited. Violators are subjected to severe penalties by Great Cthulhu.

12.1 Garden Gnomes are exempt.

zombie gnome

13. All leaves must be raked into no more than 3 piles. While one large pile is prohibited, 2 piles are ideal, but three is permissible.

13.1 Orange leaves are not to be mixed with yellow leaves, nor are they to be mixed with red leaves. Red and yellow leaves may be raked together, however, as red and yellow are the primary colors that create the singular color orange, thus creating two piles of orange leaves.

13.2 Brown leaves are prohibited and cannot be mixed with any other color leaf at any time.

13.3 All leaves are to be off the trees by the first of November.

14. Lawns must be mowed from left to right, and only on Thursday afternoons.

15. Barbecues or other Outdoor Celebrations without the prior written permission and the invitation of Great Cthulhu, as well as the active participation of the entire neighborhood, are prohibited.

15.1 Propane grills are strictly prohibited as the Association has decided that these grills are harmful to the ozone layer. It is pertinent to understand that the Association is environmentally-conscious as it retains its own militant EPA officer 24 hours a day.

15.1.2 Ozone is strictly prohibited.

ozone hair band

16. In regards to the holidays:

16.1 The carving of pumpkins into unsightly, unfriendly, unhappy and otherwise unattractive faces is not permitted.

16.1.1 Pumpkins carved in honor of Great Cthulhu are exempt, as His beauty comes from within.

16.2 Exterior decorations are prohibited, including but not limited to: holiday lights, wreaths, inflatables, snowmen, snow angels, footprints, and holiday trees unless and only if the decorations are of the same or similar design, color and texture of the residence.

16.3 The salutation of ‘Merry Christmas’ amongst residents, guests, and postal servicemen within the Association is strictly prohibited as there are many who do not celebrate this holiday. Chanukah, Kwanzaa, Yule, International Day of Disabled Persons, National Bouillabaisse Day, Wear a Beard of Bees Day, and Upper Volta Independence Day also fall in the month of December, and you are reminded to greet all persons with the salutation of ‘Seasons Greetings’. Violators are subject to devouring by the very liberal Great Cthulhu.

17. See Restriction 19.3

18. While gluten-free pizza is permitted, its delivery by persons in vehicles outdated by 5 years, in vehicles whose electrical system is thoroughly un-American, or in vehicles held together by rust, duct tape, or cheeky bumper stickers is strictly prohibited. Gluten-free pizza must be delivered in discreet, unmarked vehicles and only by certified gluten-free pizza persons.

18.1 The safety of all Certified Persons participating in the delivery of gluten-free pizza cannot be guaranteed, even if that Certified Pizza Person follows the guidelines set forth in the bylaws, as Great Cthulhu has an appetite for Pizza Delivery Persons.

pizza boy

19. Numbers depicting the street address of the residence must be placed in a visible area no more than 4 inches from the left side of the door.

19.1 Only polished brass numbers are permitted. Numbers that have been exposed to the elements, thus causing a rainbow discoloration, are forbidden.

19.2 Missing numbers are prohibited. Violators, first time or repeat ones who somehow got away with it in the first place, are subject to the swift and terrible judgement of Great Cthulhu.

19.3 This restriction is intentionally left blank.

20. All mailboxes must be of the same or similar shape and design. Mailboxes depicting birds, flowers, rust, or those shoved heartlessly into a large-mouth bass, are prohibited.

20.1 Due to privacy concerns, mailboxes will not display the resident’s name or street address.

20.2 Mailbox keys are limited to one per residence. For security purposes, mail keys cannot be duplicated. Keys will be mailed to each resident by the move-in date.

21. A yearly Association fee of $0.03 is required of each residence for the upkeep of the community, including trash removal, landscaping and general maintenance. A monthly fee of $666 per person, per residence is required for no reason in particular.

22. Units 49 and 50 are exempt from the requirements set forth as they are, unfortunately, pre-existing units.

ARKHAM ACRES IS AN EQUAL HOUSING OPPORTUNITY, WITH THE EXCEPTION OF USED CAR SALESMEN; HELL’S ANGELS AFFILIATES; THE UNCIVILIZED; CONVICTED FELONS; AND CLOVE-SMOKING, FEDORA-WEARING, VEGAN-ATHEIST-CROSSFITTING YUPPIES WITH WEBBED FEET.

Complaints, Comments, and Words of Worship are to be mailed to the Office of Great Cthulhu on the back of a $50 bill.
Office hours of Great Cthulhu are kept from 1 PM until 2 PM, with an hour off for lunch.

cthulhu approves

* Re-post from 2014


IMAGES:

3) worth1000.com
7) hwango.deviantart.com

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26 responses

  1. Ha! That was funny. The only people who hate homeowners associations more than us are the poor people trapped inside those gated communities. I kid you not, if we ever descend into the zombie apocalypse, the revolution is going to start in one of those gated communities by some frustrated homeowners who didn’t realize that the rules designed to keep the riff raff out, now apply to them.

    There is a community not far from me that is now in full blown rebellion mode. It’s March and they not only still have their Christmas lights up, they’ve parked cars on their lawns. The big iron gate and the guard shack has been vandalized so many times, the attendant has quit and nobody else wants to apply for the job. It’s scary having some 80 yr old bearing down on in their Mercedes because they’re mad they can’t paint their window trim the color they want.

    Liked by 1 person

    March 12, 2014 at 11:42 AM

    • Sister Madly

      An HOA insurgency- now THAT would be a reality show worth watching! I love that they are trying to take back their freedom.

      And I totally agree with you on that Zombie thing.

      Like

      March 12, 2014 at 3:08 PM

  2. Another R’lyeh Fine Post.

    Liked by 1 person

    March 13, 2014 at 3:25 PM

    • Sister Madly

      Ia! Ia!

      Like

      March 13, 2014 at 6:14 PM

  3. bravo! THAT was splendid..

    Liked by 1 person

    March 14, 2014 at 10:44 AM

    • Sister Madly

      Thank you! I had waaaaay too much fun doing it. 🙂

      Like

      March 15, 2014 at 11:06 AM

  4. No good an come of exempting garden gnomes.

    Liked by 1 person

    March 18, 2014 at 11:45 AM

    • Sister Madly

      This is a valid point. However, if they are permitted inside the gated community, then those of us outside will have fewer to conquer when the Garden Gnome Apocalypse descends upon us.

      Like

      March 18, 2014 at 2:29 PM

      • Finally! Someone who understands the severity of the situation!

        Liked by 1 person

        March 18, 2014 at 3:06 PM

        • Sister Madly

          I do, indeed. It’s not the Zombie Apocalypse that mankind needs to fear…

          Like

          March 18, 2014 at 3:42 PM

  5. Excellent post!! So funny too!! Thank goodness our country’s condo by laws are still normal though we do see the odd ones occasionally in a development!

    Liked by 1 person

    April 7, 2016 at 6:19 AM

    • That’s because your condo laws are dictated by competent individuals, which we severely lack!

      However, should Garfield be elected as condo board president… then peace on Earth should not be far away…

      Liked by 1 person

      April 7, 2016 at 3:59 PM

      • Lol!! I did indeed sit on the condo board but gave that up 2 years ago as it was going not too badly (the Cat Woman realised that I was not going to steal her kitty and now lets me pet it ha ha. So, she is behaving now! 😄) and I could pursue other social things to do good in 😉
        Perhaps with the looming new elections in USA, hopefully USA would get back on track with a better leader. So far, the news we are getting on the elections are interesting. I hope resolve sets in for your condo laws. Perhaps with new leader, things may get better!👍
        Cheers to a great weekend ahead SM. If all else fails, suggest we do a witch hex and or poke some effigies

        Liked by 1 person

        April 7, 2016 at 5:19 PM

  6. I loved it!!! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    April 7, 2016 at 7:19 AM

  7. 19.2 Missing numbers are prohibited. I would have commented before now, but I needed to think about this one first. I’ve tried and I just can’t.

    Liked by 2 people

    April 7, 2016 at 10:46 AM

    • Missing street/address house numbers may be an internal conspiracy… should you find that you no longer have a street address, it maybe the work of a dark, seething Elder God who may or may not be simply demanding what remains of the Cadbury’s Creme Egg’s recent seasonal ritual.

      Or perhaps Great Cthulhu is merely a bit bitter; your poetry is, after all, so much more dreamy, more lovely than his. ;c)

      Like

      April 7, 2016 at 4:35 PM

      • I certainly don’t want to provoke any being that can require us to address him as “Great.” But to forbid something that is by its nature missing? It makes my head hurt to think about how to comply. It almost makes me want to go live with the clowns in the catacombs beneath the city. Or even become a m… – no that would be to horrible. Please, What would SM do?

        Liked by 2 people

        April 8, 2016 at 10:11 PM

        • Donate all my stuff to Goodwill, walk out into the wilderness and take my rightful place amongst the wolves.

          Or just move.

          Like

          April 9, 2016 at 12:14 PM

        • SM is often difficult to emulate. But she is never wrong. Deep bow.

          Liked by 2 people

          April 9, 2016 at 4:39 PM

        • Sister Madly is quite often wrong- and painfully so. But she appreciates your confidence- and has always done so.

          Like

          April 9, 2016 at 6:35 PM

        • I make it a firm policy to never be less than obsequious toward Great Cthulhu and Sister Madly. I heard somewhere that either of them might summon clowns at will.

          Liked by 2 people

          April 9, 2016 at 6:48 PM

        • What?! I can summon clowns at will?!?! I sure won’t be sleeping tonight….

          Like

          April 9, 2016 at 8:35 PM

  8. Hehe. Thanks for making my day. I wassss the AGM of a HOA in a Condo Highrise. What a horrible road humans are headed down. I hope you smart “upstarts” will force freedom back into the world’s vocabulary.

    Liked by 1 person

    April 30, 2016 at 4:02 PM

    • A Condo Highrise.. I bet there’s some interesting stories there!

      I do wonder… if one does ‘force’ freedom, is freedom then no longer free? (I think I just gave myself a headache trying to figure that one out.)

      Thank you for stopping by! ;c)

      Like

      April 30, 2016 at 7:24 PM