Now Hiring: the Mortuary

And on the air was the scent of hush puppies ~
Too cruel, she said, too cruel.

bongos and berets

Poetry like this accounts for the continuing success of bongos and berets.

It also accounts for the long litany of Sister Madly’s unanswered applications over the years. Perhaps she shouldn’t have included that little ditty on her résumé after all.

Some years ago, Sister Madly was forced to admit that one can spend only so much time shape-shifting and harvesting organs down in the cellar without paying the electric bill. In an effort to remedy this, one particular Want Ad drew her attention like a fly to a lovely blue bug-zapper: a Hearse Driver for the Mortuary.

classice hearse

They didn’t demand much: professional appearance, clean driving record, willing to work for ten cents above minimum wage. No doubt the customer complaints would be on the low side- a plus during her darker, more introverted moments* – and let’s not overlook the generous perks, such as the use of the company car. Sister Madly delighted in the vision of gleefully joyriding that Doombuggy through the nearby HOA.

* i.e., all the time.

Of course every job has its drawbacks, such as the potential to seriously impede her already questionable social skills by associating with nothing but the dead, not to mention that a rundown of her day could really sour the mood at a party. She could call herself a chauffeur, if asked: whether the person she transports in that limousine alive or not is merely a technicality. Furthermore, it is better than come cushy job that requires her to harass little blue-haired ladies and mispronounce their names.

Though her motives were slightly suspicious, Sister Madly allowed herself to daydream that first magical day on the job…

procession

Or perhaps she should keep looking.

And so Sister Madly spent the next 3 minutes daydreaming herself into all the brilliant careers that would inevitably cross her path, including:

~ Personal Trainer ~

smart trainer

~ Body Guard ~

smart bodyguard

~ Superhero ~

smart superhero2

~ Ice Cream Truck ~

smart cooler

~ Celebrity ~

smart celebrity

~ Celebrity Impersonator ~

smart celeb impersonator

~ Indie Musician Who Pours Taps at Local Craft Brewery on Wednesdays ~

smart hipster

~ Artist’s Model ~

smart artists model

~ Latest Fad-Diet Weight Loss Guru ~

smart weight loss guru

~ Nanny ~

smart nanny

~ Personal Shopper ~

smartshopper

~ THIS ~

smart this

~ Undercover Security Agent at PDX International Airport ~

smart pdx carpet 2

~ Little Bunny Foo-Foo ~

smart lindt

~ The T-1000 Terminator ~

smart T-1000

~ Lead ‘Bud’tender at the Corner Head Shop ~

smart hippie

~ Navy Seal ~

smart tank

Then again, mortuary work depends entirely upon bodies. Perhaps Sister Madly would be more successful in the business of creating those bodies rather than collecting them. An independent contractor, if you will.

So would any of you like some elderberry wine?

** Sister Madly tends to picture herself as a Smart Car. No one knows why.

THEME SONG: Working Girl, The Members


All Images: Pinterest

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32 responses

  1. Dammit, I forgot my lesson…do not eat or drink anything when reading Sister Madly’s blogpost. You think I might have learned that by now! Dammit… I dribbled like an old man on Bingo night. (what ever that means) . Now, I have coffee down the front of my shirt…

    There is only one solution…. I must start packing extra shirts when I come to work in the morning to change into after reading your stuff.

    Go for Superhero or T-1000 Terminator….. it’s a no brainer… 🙂

    The “THIS” job does look intriguing whatever it is… Perhaps the job as the Sun bringing warmth to everyone in the Solar System …just perhaps….:) That’s what it looks like to me anyways…

    I see am rambling again…. time for my medication… great read..Thanks Madly

    Liked by 2 people

    May 5, 2016 at 5:32 AM

    • “THIS” job- I first thought ‘alchemist’ but then, why would I turn myself into gold? That wouldn’t be very productive.

      “… like an old man on Bingo night..” indeed, whatever that truly means, I thoroughly enjoyed it!!

      Liked by 1 person

      May 5, 2016 at 1:11 PM

  2. Phoenix Risen

    Sister Madly, your posts are hilarious!! I always look forward to them!!

    Liked by 1 person

    May 5, 2016 at 5:37 AM

  3. Ha! Very cute. Well said.

    Liked by 1 person

    May 5, 2016 at 8:17 AM

    • Thank you! The job market certainly looks very promising- if you’re a smart car.

      Liked by 1 person

      May 5, 2016 at 12:47 PM

  4. I must admit there is a certain charm to you supplying all those fresh souls who shall add to the ambience of perpetuity. Tormenting blue hairs has appeal too!

    The choices are endless Sister Madly!

    How about, “Down Hill Racer”?

    Maybe long short hauling? Or short long hauling? I understand there is less “fore-aft rocking” which might make the truck stops dull but hey, we all adapt.

    Liked by 1 person

    May 5, 2016 at 8:47 AM

  5. locksley2010

    Excellent choices! And none in contact with water. And yes, I’d love some please!

    Liked by 1 person

    May 5, 2016 at 10:47 AM

    • That’s because piracy is difficult when the nearest body of water is a large puddle in the middle of the street.

      The wine is on it’s way!

      Liked by 1 person

      May 5, 2016 at 1:07 PM

      • locksley2010

        Ah, understood! And remember it’s in the wheelie-bin near the pub in FRONT of the Robin Hood Statue. 😉

        Liked by 1 person

        May 5, 2016 at 1:26 PM

        • Front of the statue… easy to remember before the pub, but… not so easy after.

          Liked by 1 person

          May 5, 2016 at 1:43 PM

        • locksley2010

          I know the feeling!

          Liked by 1 person

          May 5, 2016 at 1:52 PM

  6. I don’t see what any of this to do with the “scent” of a certain brand of Casual Footwear.

    Liked by 1 person

    May 5, 2016 at 11:53 AM

    • Which is probably another reason why those resumes went unanswered: too scattered.

      (I forgot all about the shoes!)

      Like

      May 5, 2016 at 12:42 PM

      • Well, as for the why of the unacknowledged resumes, if SM has any tendency to mention in said resumes any of her “hobbies” such as organ harvesting or picturing herself as a smart car, I think we may have our answer. But please don’t tell her that I said so.

        Liked by 1 person

        May 5, 2016 at 2:23 PM

  7. I suspected you were a car. Well I knew you were smart

    Liked by 1 person

    May 6, 2016 at 4:50 PM

    • Your wisdom is far beyond reproach, my friend- also, I have been drinking a wee bit of cider.

      But that is of no consequence; should you see the Teller of Tales as a Smart Car, then a Smart Car he shall be.

      Liked by 1 person

      May 6, 2016 at 7:47 PM

  8. Love this! Had me snorting….

    Liked by 1 person

    June 5, 2016 at 5:20 PM

    • Thank you!! It is comforting to know that the job market is wide open for local Smart Cars… ;c)

      Liked by 1 person

      June 5, 2016 at 5:49 PM