Must I Jingle ALL the Way?

Sister Madly has taken to entertaining long, lovely thoughts of the universe, butcher knives and Formica coffee tables in an effort to get the song It Came Upon a Midnight Clear out of her head.

skymall

She has the Professors to blame for this: they had embraced the holiday spirit much too early for their own good, singing carols and hanging up twinkling lights long before Thanksgiving materialized. Sister Madly retaliated with a threat to purchase their gifts out of Sky Mall Magazine, which successfully put an end to their musical twaddle.

But not to the music in her head.

There was a time that Sister Madly took these songs for granted, singing along without a thought as to what she was saying. It was upon being stumped by the second line of It Came Upon a Midnight Clear that she began to consider other songs of the season:

animal

LITTLE DRUMMER BOY
What mother wouldn’t be thrilled to have an obnoxious little brat honor her newborn with the gentle whisperings of a snare drum? As much as a young Sister Madly would have loved to recreate this scenario in the neonatal unit at the local hospital, she didn’t see her mother supporting the idea.

Fortunately, Sister Madly has long-since reached the age of majority, so it no longer matters whether or not she has her mother’s approval.

WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS
Sister Madly sees nothing wrong with this salutation; even stopping by one’s house to do so is something to be admired depending on the time of day (she, herself, prefers the 1-4AM slot when personally trespassing in the name of generosity.) However, the subsequent demand for figgy pudding in verse two, followed by the refusal to leave until said pudding is obtained in verse three, sheds light on just how ill-equipped she is for this holiday. Apparently, it is standard procedure to procure an arsenal of figgy puddings in the event one is ambushed by a group of caroling bandits.

Should you find yourself singing this tune outside Sister Madly’s door- while properly armed with a machete and some duct tape- the best she can do at the moment is offer you some mystery mince (it might be Alpaca) and half a bottle of Two Towns Nice & Naughty Cider (which she loves and has no intention of sharing with you pudding-demanding degenerates.)

He sees you

WE THREE KINGS
Sister Madly can’t even begin to tell you how long that she, as a wide-eyed, little ingénue, thought the Far East was the ever-so mysterious Orient-R. It was only after she came to realize that the gifts were not, in fact, Gold, Frankenstein, and Murder, that she began to entertain the possibility that she was mistaken about other words in the song as well.

THE BOAR’S HEAD CAROL
Who hasn’t looked upon a severed pig’s head and been inspired to hang up the holly and mistletoe?

Come on, now- Sister Madly can’t be the only one! Why, the very image of this creature with an apple wedged in its mouth triggers that wistful, Sister Madly Smile at the memories of old acquaintances, whose sudden departure from her life was as swift and as clean as their arrival. In fact, Sister Madly, the time has come once again for you to leave them all flowers.

THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
Contrary to popular belief, the problem here is not the cost; the problem here is the horde of birds and human creatures leaping, piping, singing and squawking in Sister Madly’s 300ft² apartment. There’s also the small matter of a pear tree chillin‘ out on the fire escape (which she has 24 hours to remove per the Fire Marshal’s order.) Taking this into account, the grand total of her True Love’s Shopping Extravaganza is:

  • 50 humans
  • 23 birds
  • 5 gold rings
  • 1 fruit-bearing tree

But upon further contemplation, Sister Madly finds this figure to be inaccurate. Take, for instance, the Maid’s A-Milking: should they be a-milking at the time of the gift exchange, it means that the cows were included. This brings the total to:

  • 50 humans
  • 23 birds
  • 8 cows
  • 5 gold rings
  • 1 fruit-bearing tree

Of course, she can’t forget the Geese A-Laying: should they be particularly fertile fowl- with each one laying an egg on the day of their arrival (day 6) up to and including the day Sister Madly sets fire to her apartment (day 12)- the revised total would be:

  • 50 humans
  • 42 eggs
  • 23 birds
  • 8 cows
  • 5 gold rings
  • 1 fruit-bearing tree

…and just in what, exactly, are the 7 Swans A-Swimming?

12-days-of-christmas

Sister Madly is already planning a nasty break-up with her True Love- and she hasn’t even met him yet. The fact that she lets this nonsense continue for 12 days shows an inhuman amount of patience, most likely because these gifts* are from her True Love and she wants to give the miscreant every opportunity to explain himself.

As it turns out, staring off into space isn’t as relaxing as she thought it would be.

It came upon a midnight clear…
… but then it went away…

*The 5 golden rings would turn up missing on day 11. It would later be discovered that one of the Leaping Lords had light fingers and was courting Dancing Lady #6. The charges were dropped, as Sister Madly prefers silver when it comes to jewelry. Her True Love should have known this.

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42 responses

  1. Terrific Tale (of horror) Sister Madly!

    No Figgy Pudding?

    Haggis and Spotted Dick and a certain truly commendable anti “Ho Ho” song will be fine.

    Now catching a Haggis Bird is difficult but I am willing to pass over the secret.

    http://britishfood.about.com/od/regionalenglishrecipes/r/Pudding.htm

    Like

    December 4, 2014 at 7:06 AM

    • Sister Madly

      No figgy pudding, no. My old acquaintances learned that the hard way.

      Liked by 1 person

      December 4, 2014 at 3:24 PM

      • I’m thinkin’ there is a story there about learning the hard way. It was all good until someone got a FIG in the eye?

        Like

        December 4, 2014 at 3:33 PM

        • Sister Madly

          Um, yeah- let’s go with that explanation.

          Liked by 1 person

          December 4, 2014 at 3:52 PM

  2. John Thursday

    Haha. Gold, Frankenstein and Murder. My new favourite Christmas carol.

    Liked by 1 person

    December 4, 2014 at 9:21 AM

    • Sister Madly

      Yes, the realization that those words were frankincense and myrrh was much more disappointing than the discovery that santa did not exist.

      Liked by 1 person

      December 4, 2014 at 3:31 PM

      • John Thursday

        So many great songs are ruined by the realization that the words are not what you’ve been singing along to…

        Liked by 2 people

        December 5, 2014 at 7:19 AM

  3. If SM’s True Love actually begins “giving” her all this, it would be quite worrisome. I see that now. I am afraid that TL might be using SM as some sort of human trafficking way-station only to abandon her once the twelve days have passed and the heat is off. I can’t imagine what all the birds and fruit trees are about. I hope SM will take a hard look at this relationship before she hands over a door key to her tiny apartment.

    Liked by 1 person

    December 4, 2014 at 10:34 AM

    • Sister Madly

      It’s true- I never even considered that he might have ulterior motives! When I’m stumped at what to give someone, I don’t just cruise on past a swamp and try to lure a goose into my car- why would I think that is normal? You’ve certainly given me something to ponder.

      Liked by 2 people

      December 4, 2014 at 3:47 PM

  4. Sister Madly, I laughed so hard that is chased my jobless blues away! I just love Grover on the drums….if I was a kid, I would prefer your version LOL! A nice way of seeing Christmas through your eyes….different and unique than the old regular way 😁 I call it avant garde and welcome to the new economy😝

    Like

    December 4, 2014 at 6:35 PM

    • Sister Madly

      Aw, thank you!!

      It’s a rough time to be jobless, but I can certainly empathize- I’m currently on the hunt myself.

      Perhaps I will be the one showing up on random doorsteps demanding figgy pudding- now, there’s an idea. Never considered reversing those roles… 😀

      Like

      December 4, 2014 at 10:33 PM

      • Aww! You too?! I wish you much success in finding the right job and a good boss! Brilliant….agree on your splendid figgy pudding idea…😁

        Liked by 1 person

        December 5, 2014 at 1:46 AM

  5. In for a penny in for a pound, so if your going to jingle, go all the way. I have several favorite Christmas songs misquotes, my personal fav

    Oh the weather outside is frightful
    but between your thighs delightful

    ad nausuem

    Like

    December 4, 2014 at 8:04 PM

    • Sister Madly

      You know, at this particular moment, I can’t think of the correct second line to that song.

      So thank you. Now I have one…

      Like

      December 4, 2014 at 10:26 PM

  6. DAMN RIGHT … ! KS

    Liked by 1 person

    December 5, 2014 at 3:36 AM

    • Sister Madly

      Is that the second line to ‘It Came Upon a Midnight Clear?’ … 😉

      Like

      December 5, 2014 at 4:41 PM

  7. I am so not ready for Christmas this year. In an attempt to get myself into the spirit, I blared Christmas music whilst forcing myself to decorate. My tactic backfired. Instead, I would up becoming so grumpy that I make the Grinch and Scrooge at their worst look like Santa himself by comparison. So, yeah… let’s not jingle all the way.

    Like

    December 6, 2014 at 12:56 PM

    • Sister Madly

      Sounds like an epidemic. It’s hardly holiday cheer when one must suppress the urge to punch a snowman. Perhaps we shouldn’t jingle at all.

      Liked by 1 person

      December 6, 2014 at 1:12 PM

      • I was so grumpy, when i put up my little Christmas village, i positioned one of the cars so it was about to run over the preacher standing outside of the church. Take that, preacher.

        Liked by 1 person

        December 6, 2014 at 1:38 PM

        • Sister Madly

          Atta girl! Love it!

          Liked by 1 person

          December 6, 2014 at 1:51 PM

  8. What stuck out to me here was that the Professors stopped singing to avoid presents from Skymall? Who wouldn’t want Skymall presents? That’s crazy!

    Liked by 1 person

    December 6, 2014 at 12:58 PM

    • Sister Madly

      They do have some good stuff in there: life-sized Sasquatch statues, shark heads, goofy pillows for the plane… perhaps they didn’t read the catalog thoroughly.

      They just might get Sky Mall gear after all.

      Liked by 1 person

      December 6, 2014 at 1:17 PM

      • Why not get them a Sky Mall subscription?

        Like

        December 6, 2014 at 3:46 PM

        • Sister Madly

          Ooooo- now you’re talking! I like that idea!

          Liked by 1 person

          December 6, 2014 at 4:26 PM

  9. DAMN RIGHT … ! … her True Love should have known this … ! too … ! ks

    Liked by 1 person

    December 6, 2014 at 3:40 PM

  10. … so … what’s the secret to catching a haggis bird … ?? … ks

    Like

    December 6, 2014 at 3:50 PM

    • Sister Madly

      Crunchy Peanut Butter.

      Like

      December 6, 2014 at 4:29 PM

  11. Cnawan Fahey

    I once made figgy pudding. It was delicious. Since no one came to the door demanding any, my guests and I were able to enjoy it ourselves. Whip cream is a must. Regrettably I won’t be repeating the feat this year, so I can’t drop any by. But perhaps a rum-sodden fruitcake would be more appropriate anyway? Though I imagine that you’re still not giving me your address.

    Like

    December 8, 2014 at 7:54 PM

    • Sister Madly

      Well, maybe just the rum part. :c)

      Alrighty, then, whipped cream- I heard it here first! All the more fun when I smash the delicacy their pudding-demanding faces… with a smile full of holiday cheer, of course.

      Liked by 1 person

      December 8, 2014 at 8:11 PM

  12. Pingback: A Child’s Christmas in Wales | Ethereal Nature

  13. Nice! Happy 2015!

    Like

    December 22, 2014 at 1:00 PM

    • Sister Madly

      Thank you!! And a Happy New Year to you as well!!

      Like

      December 22, 2014 at 1:18 PM

  14. In regard to your query re., the “seven swans a swimming”;
    I believe the Swan was quite a popular dish amongst medieval gormands.
    Indeed, latest autopsy reports on the recently exhumed corpse of the late Richard III indicate that were it not for the battle of Bosworth ending his career prematurely, he is quite likely to have subsequently died from a surfeit of Swan. Apparently he’d been living it up during his 3 year reign, high on the hog, as it were, and tissue analysis showed he’d been dining lavishly on swans, peacocks, badgers or whatever else had been ambling over his back lawn that morning. (Handy thing a crossbow).
    The Romans on the other hand stuffed their Swans with dormice and lots of pepper.
    As to what the Greeks did to Swans..well, it’s just not spoken of in polite society, although occasionally you can see crudely drawn stick figures performing the act on the walls of public lavatories. (Particularly those near the more prestigious Universities-benefits of a classical education, ey what?)
    Anyway I hope this answers your question.
    PS I could go on and on about the role of the Swan in medieval iconography, and the importance of the number 7 in the Pythagorean tradition, but I think sometimes you can read too much into song lyrics.
    Yours in Cthulhu’s loving embrace,
    the Reverend H

    Liked by 1 person

    January 4, 2015 at 5:16 AM

    • Sister Madly

      Wow. That song is never going to be the same to me again- which is okay, I’m not particularly fond of it.

      Swans may not look the same to me ever again, either. But I won’t know that for sure until I see a swan.

      And crossbows are, indeed, a handy thing- wish I had one, myself!

      Liked by 1 person

      January 4, 2015 at 12:19 PM

  15. I found myself Beaned over here. Being Canadians, we drastically reduced the humanity. Hope this helps! Gotta go find silver bells, or at least one.

    Liked by 1 person

    December 24, 2015 at 6:50 AM

    • Sister Madly

      Is this Canada’s way of controlling the Caribou population?

      Liked by 1 person

      December 24, 2015 at 8:55 AM

      • Actually we press the Caribou real flat and put them on quarters. Which come to think of it, are also silver.

        Liked by 1 person

        December 24, 2015 at 8:57 AM

        • Sister Madly

          You mean you can go out into the wilderness and create your own currency? If we try that here, the Feds are offended…that is what Federal Offense means, right?

          Liked by 1 person

          December 24, 2015 at 9:04 AM

        • <— laughing

          Yes that is what is meant by a federal offence or offense.

          Yes we even use beaver tails as currency. Provided of course no one has licked all the powdered sugar off.

          Liked by 1 person

          December 24, 2015 at 9:10 AM

        • Sister Madly

          And if someone has licked off the sugar, does that mean the money was laundered?

          Liked by 1 person

          December 24, 2015 at 9:15 AM

        • Yesm it does. We can track them by following the frothy drool trail in the snow.

          Liked by 1 person

          December 24, 2015 at 9:18 AM

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