The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Madly

It was a young and impressionable Sister Madly who, upon seeing her first scissor lift in action, decided that she was going to master the contraption in her lifetime. She liked to dream big in those days.

And her dream came true a few years later.

It all took place at the mall, at the bistro where she worked. Sister Madly had long since become friendly with a variety of creatures on the maintenance staff when one came along on a lift, which he said was essential for making certain repairs. It only took the promise of a peanut butter cookie for Sister Madly to finally live out her life-long dream.

And she did more than just ride along: she got to take the controls, sending the lift to dizzying heights, cheerfully weaving through the ceiling fans and helium balloons, amusing herself by lowering the lift the moment Maintenance Acquaintance was reaching for a light bulb (he wasn’t particularly fond of this game.) Nothing, it seemed, could spoil the moment of a dream come true- but her optimism was brief, for there was lurking in this kingdom of magic and leaky ceiling tiles a person that could destroy it all in an instant: Diamond Dave.

Diamond Dave was one of those security guards whom Sister Madly never quite warmed up to, who thought himself suave and walked as though he charmed the world despite the fact that he had all the personality of a pudding cup. All this wouldn’t have mattered, really, had he not had a marvelous grasp of the obvious- and it was obvious that an unlicensed Sister Madly was operating heavy machinery strictly limited to the Maintenance Staff.

It is unclear as to how much trouble Sister Madly would have gotten into for playing around with this equipment, but it spelled certain doom for Maintenance Acquaintance for allowing her to do so. So to save the job of the guy who made her life-long scissor lift dream come true, Sister Madly crawled onto the roof of the bistro and hid.

Now, the bistro did not have a storefront; rather, it was a stand alone structure inside the mall, with its own roof that contained the water heater, some boxes of an unknown origin, and more dust than the lunar surface. Still, it was a small price to pay for a life-long dream, for all she had to do was wait for Diamond Dave to prance on by, then climb back into the lift and return to ground zero.

Oh, the best laid plans of Mice and Madly…

He did not prance on by, nor did he waltz, stalk, sashay or strut; instead, deciding that it was time for his hourly dinner break, Diamond Dave dropped anchor at the bistro and would spend the next 20 minutes feasting on coffee and windmill cookies while Sister Madly languished in the midst of some mutant dust bunnies. Of course, to keep up the appearance of an innocent and dutiful employee, Maintenance Acquaintance finished changing the light bulbs and rode off into the glorious sunset.

After explaining the situation through the ceiling vent to her co-worker below- who received the news without batting an eye- Sister Madly had no choice but to wait until Diamond Dave finished his confectionery banquet.

And just how long would that be?

After 20 minutes of marinating in lunar dust, the inevitable happened: Sister Madly had to sneeze. And she does not have dainty sneeze DNA, nor had she, at this point in her life, learned how to stifle a sneeze– that was still a few years away. Thankfully, co-worker took the fall like a champ, but it was clear that this charade wouldn’t hold up under scrutiny; just one look at the girl and anyone could see that she would have exploded under a sneeze of that magnitude. She was a dainty sneezer through and through.

Rescue came, however, a few minutes later, in the form of a faked call for security assistance at the far end of the parking lot. The location for this call was vital, as it would take another 15 minutes for Maintenance Acquaintance to return to the scene of the crime.

Aye, there is nothing like seeing your white knight approach in a bright orange scissor lift, driven at speeds of 2 mph through the mall.

Someone has got to learn from Sister Madly’s mistakes- it might as well be you.

POST’S THEME SONG: Your Wildest Dreams, The Moody Blues