Everybody Knows that the Plague is Coming
There was a sense of lightheartedness that afternoon, when Sister Madly came home with a package of fresh, pre-chopped onions. Just knowing that tomorrow’s kitchen disaster was going to be without tears made this week’s what-the-hell purchase as prized as her antique opium pipe. Even Toto’s Rosanna could not chase away the butterflies.
Once the prep work aftermath had been cleared away, Sister Madly retrieved the onions from the fridge, noting that the container seemed to be bulging slightly. She hardly had time for curiosity at this phenomenon, for the moment she picked up the onion container, it exploded.
This, of course, made Sister Madly cry- and hers is not the gentle weeping of one touched by a animal rescue commercial. No, every time she comes within a half-mile radius of onions being chopped, Sister Madly looks as though she had just witnessed the massacre of millions of helpless kittens as she walked barefoot across a sea of Legos.
What made matters worse was that the paper towel she blindly reached for to wipe her eyes and nose was the one she used to handle the habanero peppers a few moments before.
Now, habanero eyes are horrible in and of themselves; but habanero nose- that is a another thing entirely. She knows better than to handle these foods without the proper eyewear- but now she has to protect the rest of her face as well? Exactly how was she the only one in her family to end up with such a hyper-sensitive system? She might as well just pitch a tent at the fairgrounds and charge admission.
In a few short weeks, this will be Sister Madly:
Hmm? You say you’ve seen something like this before, Sister Madly? There is something familiar about it… Perhaps you are reminded of a past life, a medieval life…
Perhaps you’re reminded of THIS GUY!
You realize what this means, don‘t you? Sister Madly is slowly and systematically turning into the Dodo.
That was his plan from the beginning, wasn’t it? While Sister Madly believed their rivalry operated on a day-to-day basis, the Dodo had a scheme that reached far into the future. She had suspected something like this in the past, believing him to be responsible for the sudden onslaught of search engine terms that addressed the Dodo specifically.
It all makes sense now: the onions, the peppers- it’s the Dodo’s subtle attack, turning Sister Madly into a modern apparition of himself. The Dum Dums, those Mystery Flavor Dum Dums that he use to throw at her- they have something to do with this, don’t they? She doesn’t know how, but she is convinced this ever-increasing hypersensitivity is directly related to the Mystery Flavor Dum Dums, which were probably created with the same engineering techniques as GMO’s. The Dum Dums may also be responsible for the intolerance that once caused Sister Madly to murder a sandwich.
It‘s been over a decade since their last encounter, and she foolishly assumed that he had flown off to the Great Bird’s Nest in the Sky. She had long-ago given her concession speech, sulking in the dark one night when she realized that although she had won several battles against the Dodo, she had lost the war.
But he‘s never really gone, is he?
So what would becoming the Dodo entail? Well, based on what she had witnessed in the past, it would require Sister Madly to endure the insults and pranks of Sister Madly, to throw Dum Dums almost compulsively at Sister Madly, to have to Riverdance her way out of jail as a penance to Sister Madly, and to creep everyone out with her outfit- including Sister Madly.
In other words, it would require Sister Madly to be constantly at war- with herself.
They say if you can’t beat them… No, absolutely not. She will not be joining him. That just will not do. You see, even in this dark place, there is a glimmer of hope: for if the Dodo is, indeed, still out there, it means that Sister Madly still has a chance to win this war.
POST’S THEME SONG: Everybody Knows, Leonard Cohen
~ Thanks to everyone who entered the Necronomicon Giveaway. Sister Madly has been in contact the winner- she will keep you updated! ~