The Laws of the Hollow Smile

When Sister Madly arrived at the prearranged place of pints and darts, she was immediately apprehensive at the amount of teeth being displayed. Nobody smiles that much unless they want something.

And oh, the Professors wanted something: they wanted to play golf.

smile

Now, Sister Madly does not play golf. She tried once, and afterwards the green looked as though she had personally detonated a field of land mines. She also had no idea that it was possible for the ball to sail backwards after a forward swing- or straight up at her face. While Sister Madly will gladly dismember every affiliate of the local Stop/Slow Sign Spinners Chapter and weave a trellis out of what’s left of their corpses (she has yet to do so, but if she ever does, it will be done gladly) she will not participate in this method of personal torture without a fight.

Golf. They wanted to play golf. Please say the only reason you want Sister Madly to come along is so that she can drive the cart. She is already entertaining fantasies of ditching you at the farthest possible tee- the least you could do is make this dream come true.

golf

As with all good horror stories, the day dawned gloomy, damp, and shrouded in a fog worthy of Vincent Price. In other words, the perfect weather for contemplating suicide- or homicide, depending on how things go. Seeing as they had wasted 15 minutes of their ever-shortening lives to drive out to the golf course, the Professors decided- with a smile- to take their chances on the driving range.

That is when things started to go wrong. A practice swing by Sister Madly toppled the bucket and sent 300 golf balls scattering willy-nilly (Sister Madly says 300, but they may have only been 40. She did not count them.) This, of course, was followed by the inaugural swing that missed the ball completely, which was followed by the one that sliced the tee in half and sent the ball straight into her shin.

Instead of fast-forwarding to the part where Sister Madly ditches them at the most distant tee before joyriding through the daisies, the Professors smiled through a long dissertation on how golf was, in its own way, a wonderful form of meditation.

zen garden

Meditation? In your La-La Dreams, chowder-head. Sister Madly knows that inner peace is achieved by exercising machete justice upon unsuspecting rutabagas, and not in a golf swing. Seriously- when was the last time you encountered a Zen Garden with a statue of Buddha teeing off?

The least you can do is concentrate, Sister Madly.

Oh yes, another piece of advice all in vain: concentrating on hitting the ball did absolutely nothing for her swing. But when Sister Madly shifted her focus from her game to the method of revenge she would unleashing upon the smiling Professors later that evening, she began hacking away at the ball with a degree of violence so unnecessary that the Professors actually frowned and called for a time-out.

After a lengthy sit-down, the Professors attempted to show her the proper form for meditating, finishing off with a swing so lovely, it was the inspiration of Poe’s Pendulum.* Sister Madly’s subsequent meditation attempt sent her club sailing off into the driving range and left the Professors wondering how things could go so wrong so fast.

Gee, this is a fun sport!

*He came up with the ‘Pit’ part from watching Sister Madly.

smile2

(Un)fortunately, one of the smiling Professors had another club, which was handed over with the strict instructions not to let go this time. After yet another round of ill-received advice, it was decided that the best way for Sister Madly to learn how to meditate was in her own gentle, self-destructive way. It wasn’t long before her tantrums settled down, which led the Professors to believe that she might actually be enjoying herself- until they realized that Sister Madly was just throwing the balls out into the driving range, for the sooner that bucket was empty, the sooner she could realize her dream of ditching those smiles at the farthest tee.

Sister Madly, you see, does not consider herself bound by the rules of fair play.

Nor by the Laws of the Hollow Smile.

POST’S THEME SONG: It Don’t Mean a Thing (If It Ain’t Got That Swing), Ella Fitzgerald

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34 responses

  1. You’re so funny ! Love this …. Madly , seriously a fascinating novel about the spirituality of golf ( I know , odd !)… Is titled ” Golf in the Kingdom ” ..I wanted to play after reading it ! Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    November 20, 2014 at 6:49 AM

    • Sister Madly

      I feel that I am not in the right mindset to read such a novel at this moment… perhaps in, say, 5 years or so 😉

      Liked by 4 people

      November 20, 2014 at 4:14 PM

  2. You do not seem bound by the rules of “FORE” play either Sister Madly!

    Like

    November 20, 2014 at 7:11 AM

    • Sister Madly

      Anyone who knows how to play golf is aware that it involves projectiles flying through the air. The courtesy of warning them seems somehow redundant.

      Liked by 2 people

      November 20, 2014 at 4:20 PM

      • Etiquette Ms Madly, etiquette.

        What would Ms Manners and Arnold Palmer say!

        Like

        November 20, 2014 at 5:07 PM

        • Sister Madly

          Ms. Manners and I no longer speak.

          Liked by 2 people

          November 20, 2014 at 5:13 PM

  3. Ha! Golf, yes. Where I live we have this thing called golf football. I haven’t tried it yet, but it looks far more appealing. It’s actually soccer on a golf course with bigger holes. That’s more my speed. I don’t go for this zen stuff either 😉

    As to the hollow smiles, oh no, if there are pints involved, those smiles are profound and genuine and adoring and full of gratitude…..

    Like

    November 20, 2014 at 7:24 AM

    • Sister Madly

      Golf football does sound slightly more appealing, although suddenly I have unpretty visions of tumbling down one of those rabbit holes…

      And when pints are involved, those smiles (aside from being profound and genuine and adoring and full of gratitude,) are also full of extremely bad ideas- yet, I always seem to go along with what they say.

      There’s a lesson to be learned here, isn’t there?

      Like

      November 20, 2014 at 4:10 PM

  4. Your title caught my eye! Great post!

    Like

    November 20, 2014 at 8:07 AM

    • Sister Madly

      Thank you!! 🙂 (This smile is not a hollow one…)

      Like

      November 20, 2014 at 4:05 PM

  5. Cnawan Fahey

    ahem…. http://etherealnature.com/2014/08/04/the-least-useful-sport/

    Like

    November 20, 2014 at 8:26 AM

    • Sister Madly

      Aw, man, I knew it! I knew someone out there was going to prove me wrong in a way I could not refute, and I should have known it was going to be you! Yet, I hit ‘publish’ anyway!

      (Not to mention you tricked me with the title…)

      Liked by 1 person

      November 20, 2014 at 5:11 PM

      • Cnawan Fahey

        so sorry, Sis…..

        Liked by 1 person

        November 20, 2014 at 6:44 PM

        • Sister Madly

          Perhaps I’ll be wiser next time… but I doubt it.

          Like

          November 20, 2014 at 6:57 PM

        • Cnawan Fahey

          That uncertainty aside, perhaps someday we could drive a cart around a golf course, equipped with multiple bottles of red wine, or cocktails of your choice, and as we took our tour, presumably on a pleasant fall day, you could randomly throw out golf balls onto the fairways that were stamped with the words: “Sister Madly Loves You” or maybe rather, “You irritate Sister Madly.” Seems like a golf outing that you would enjoy.

          Liked by 1 person

          November 20, 2014 at 7:12 PM

        • Sister Madly

          HA! Roaming around a course pitching golf balls at people and driving away- what’s not to love? Yes! We must do that someday!

          Liked by 1 person

          November 20, 2014 at 7:32 PM

        • Cnawan Fahey

          Wonderful. When this mini-ice age of a winter is over, send me a reminder! In the meantime, think about what message you want spread via your personalized golf balls. We’ll need to order them in advance.

          Liked by 1 person

          November 20, 2014 at 7:41 PM

        • Sister Madly

          😀

          Like

          November 20, 2014 at 7:51 PM

  6. I played golf once. It was in the Philippines. The course was hacked through a bamboo jungle. Golf balls make an entertaining sound when they ricochet through a bamboo jungle. Also there was a beer stand at each tee. I liked golf a lot.

    Like

    November 20, 2014 at 11:53 AM

    • Sister Madly

      Sounds awesome- except for the golf part. Love the sound of bamboo! Next time you go, I’ll drive the cart!

      Liked by 1 person

      November 20, 2014 at 4:13 PM

  7. Whenever I was dragged out to play golf (those 2 times), I stashed pints in my golf bag and refused to use the ball washer. No rash for moi.

    I do have a set of golf clubs that were given to me, that I’ve never used. They’ve been collecting dust for a few years now.

    Like

    November 21, 2014 at 6:17 AM

    • Sister Madly

      Sweet! Perhaps the lack of pints was my problem- but I don’t wish to test that theory. Also, it was about 9 in the morning. WHO GOLFS AT 9 IN THE MORNING?

      Maybe you should leave the golf clubs on somebody’s doorstep in the middle of the night. It’s a fine way of disposing of unwanted things… and moldy cheese.

      Like

      November 21, 2014 at 4:58 PM

  8. I’ll golf when it becomes a full contact sport

    Liked by 1 person

    November 22, 2014 at 8:03 PM

    • Sister Madly

      I feel that this is only a matter of time…

      … or a matter of frustration.

      Like

      November 22, 2014 at 8:32 PM

  9. LOL!😂 Was laughing so hard picturing you golfing or throwing golf balls ha ha
    Seriously, golf terms named after birds such as albatross, eagle are actually golf terms! Sounded like you had your machete justice of sorts and some fun 😁

    Like

    November 22, 2014 at 8:22 PM

    • Sister Madly

      It does make me wonder who came up with the idea of golf- that person certainly must have suffered from some sort of mental illness.

      Albatross, eagle… proof that golf is, as they say, ‘for the birds!’

      Liked by 1 person

      November 22, 2014 at 8:40 PM

      • Golf appeals to nouveau rich wannabes….thinking they do great biz on the course when actually it is about 4 grown men or humans running after a teeny tiny ball, trying to plonk it in! Or maybe it is the beer at the half way house and the strokes they count LOL!

        Like

        November 22, 2014 at 8:46 PM

        • Sister Madly

          If it was all about hacking a ball to death and drinking… well, hard cider… then I’m game! But there seems to be this rule about sinking the ball into a tiny hole 60 miles away from the tee… that is just cruel.

          Liked by 1 person

          November 22, 2014 at 9:00 PM

  10. ~meredith

    (whispered) it’s always entertaining… until someone loses their balls.

    Like

    November 25, 2014 at 3:00 PM

    • Sister Madly

      That all depends on who that someone is! (not whispered, but probably should have been)

      Liked by 1 person

      November 25, 2014 at 3:09 PM

  11. I am not a golfer so I can not speak to that, but I watch for your posts that make tears come out of my eyes and read them to my husband, so he is now also a fan.

    Like

    November 28, 2014 at 5:55 AM

    • Sister Madly

      I can’t even begin to tell you how much that means to me- thank you!! That is quite an honor!

      Liked by 1 person

      November 28, 2014 at 2:31 PM

      • You have a gift for words and humor 🙂

        Like

        November 28, 2014 at 2:34 PM

        • Sister Madly

          Thank you- I really do appreciate it. 😉

          Like

          November 28, 2014 at 3:27 PM

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