So, can just anyone buy a submarine?
It’s not like she isn’t qualified to command one; after all, Sister Madly has a boating license- got it when she was twelve. Officer What’s-His-Name said it was all she needed to operate motorized watercraft- sure, she may have forgotten a few things in the intervening years, but surely beneath the water those laws no longer apply.
The craft shouldn’t be difficult to figure out, no doubt just an ignition key and a bright orange button to make it go forward. It will have no reverse gear, but that won’t be a problem on the ocean’s floor where U-turns are permitted willy-nilly; after all, the Germans call these magnificent vessels U-boats, which is clearly in honor of the U-turn.
But most importantly, one need never parallel park a Submarine between an obnoxious Prius and a wood-paneled PT Cruiser, which is a most unnatural and debauched maneuver straight from the pit of hell.
She doesn’t need all the fancy u-boat upgrades, such screen doors and nuclear warheads; your standard get-out-of-the-way torpedo will do. Sister Madly will, however, insist upon flocked wallpaper, disco lights, and a badass stereo system; David Bowie will sound especially haunting inside a submarine.
As for the intermittent, man-your-stations-you’re-under-attack buzzer (complete with flashing red light,) that will make a most excellent alarm clock for any early morning appointments Sister Madly is foolish enough to make.
Also, a conveniently placed shark’s fin will not go to waste.
It shall be called the USS Sweet Hereafter.
* But secretly, she will call it Myrtle.
There are one or two things that will need to be addressed- her negative sense of direction, for example. Officer What’s-His-Name used to talk about this apparatus called a compass, but Sister Madly finds relying upon magnetic poles so 1987. She would utilize a state-of-the-art navigational system,* not prehistoric tomfoolery.
* A few sober friends and a map.
You may be wondering where Sister Madly will store the vessel when not in use. She is certainly glad you asked! Her elder sister, Tallulah, has a creek running through her back yard- no doubt she would be happy to let sweet little sis park Myrtle at the end of the dock. The HOA doesn’t address the subject of submarines, thus one can only assume that they are allowed on the property.
Also, Sister Madly would be most responsible with the torpedoes: she will only use them on spiders.
But all this is nothing more than a pipe dream if civilian submarine ownership is beyond her reach. Sister Madly couldn’t go on wasting her night glamming up Myrtle if she wasn’t allowed to buy one.
So, at 2:41 AM:
Can just anyone buy a submarine?
Now some of you may cluck your tongues at the 2:41 timestamp, but it’s not like she was texting something frivolous, like celebrity death notices. This was important; Sister Madly’s entire future depended upon it.
And rest assured, she was completely sober at the time.
Come on, Professor- can’t a person ask about submarine ownership without being accused of plotting something nefarious? Sister Madly encountered the same skepticism last year when inquiring about a steamroller. Have a little faith.
The Professor never answered.
So… can just anyone buy a Submarine?
AREPAS CHILE CHICKEN
- 6-8 boneless chicken thighs, whole
- 2 sweet onions, sliced
- 2-3 garlic cloves, minced
- 1½ cup chicken stock
- 1 TBSP tomato paste
- 1 tsp coriander
- 1 tsp oregano
- 1 tsp cumin
- ½ tsp paprika
- ¼ tsp chili powder
- ¼ tsp chipotle pepper
- salt, to taste
Heat oil in Dutch oven
Add onions; stir to coat
Lower heat, stirring occasionally until onions are caramelized (30-45 min)
Mix in spices, stock, and chicken; bring to a boil
Reduce heat; simmer until chicken is cooked (25 min)
With 2 forks, shred chicken in sauce
Simmer to reduce and thicken
- 1 cup Harina de Maiz (pre-cooked cornmeal, such as P.A.N.)
- 1 cup water or milk, room temp if possible
- ½ tsp salt
- 1 TBSP oil
Combine arepa flour and salt
Mix in oil and water, until mixture is smooth
Knead a few times, dividing dough in four pieces*
Roll each piece into a ball, then flatten about 1/2 inch thick
Heat greased pan over medium heat
Add the arepas; cook until golden brown (about 6-7 minutes)
Flip; cook another 3-5 minutes
* Coating hands in oil will help prevent sticky-dough rage.
Split arepas horizontally
Fill with chicken
Top with cotija, guacamole, and sour cream
THEME SONG: Under Pressure, David Bowie/Queen