Perfection Salad ~ DisasterChef Theatre

Let’s face it: one can only spend so much time lounging about, indulging in bubble wrap and drinking from the skulls of thine enemies. Faced with the possibility of becoming merely a husk of a person, Sister Madly decided to confront one of her greatest fears: making a salad.

Having fondly recalled the culinary success of Ham and Banana Hollandaise, Sister Madly returned to the recipe box of yesteryear for the inspiration that would propel her into the world of healthy vegetables.

And she found it.

An array of vegetables encased in gelatin, and stuffed rather glamorously into a decorative mold- or in Sister Madly’s case, a disposable tin.

SHOPPING LIST

  • 2 packets unflavored gelatin.

Unable to find unflavored gelatin (she didn’t try very hard, she admits) Sister Madly headed straight for the Jell-O. Not only does this confection have gelatin, it is available in an array of lovely colors. The lack of pigmentation was the one thing that, in Sister Madly’s most correct opinion, that kept the Salad from being absolute Perfection; thus she rectified this oversight with a package of Berry Blue.

  • 1 cup finely shredded cabbage

Sister Madly saw no reason to waste time and effort shredding a large cabbage when Mother Nature has provided mankind with itty-bitty mutant ones.

  • ½ cup chopped green pepper

Green pepper, which is a formidable piece of produce in its own right, does not have a lot of kick, and Sister Madly needed some spice to balance out the sweetness of the Berry Blue.

So she replaced the Bell Pepper with Thai Chilies. Brilliant.

  • 1 cup sliced celery
  • 1 cup shredded carrots

Since celery is an affront to humanity, Sister Madly omitted this particular vegetable in order to maintain the title of ‘Perfection.’ She had every intention of including the Carrots; however, once at the market, Sister Madly found herself swept up on the winds of whimsy and substituted Cherry Tomatoes.

  • 4 oz chopped pimento

Since the pimento is the heart of an olive, and since produce is at its best when obtained organically, Sister Madly skipped the jar of farm-raised olives and chose to harvest this elusive fruit from its natural habitat: a martini.

And where best to get a martini than at a pub?

24 hours later… Behold, her genius!

Just as professional culinarians enhance their creations with decorative sticks and sprigs, Sister Madly, too, opted for garnish; but her garden yielded little more than slugs and rocks. She did come across a bit of herbal greenery in the backyard, but her neighbors were smoking it at the time.

In the end, she need look no further than her own pantry: indeed, all the culinary masters would agree that brown onions and garlic are the perfect accompaniment to Berry Blue Jell-O.

Even Sister Madly could not conceive what sort of mind would consider this anything other than absolute perfection. It was guaranteed to be called a work of art amongst those blessed with the gift of sight!

Having determined that her Salad was exquisite in every way, Sister Madly decided that it would be cruel not to share this gastronomic masterpiece with the world- and what better way than to present the Salad as the main course at a neighbor’s birthday celebration?

All she needed was a birthday candle.

Sister Madly, as you can see, is the soul of generosity.

Happy Birthday.

PERFECTION SALAD

  • 2 envelopes unflavored gelatin
  • ½ cup sugar
  • 1 tsp salt
  • 12 oz apple juice
  • ½ cup lemon juice
  • 2 TBSP vinegar
  • 1 cup carrot, shredded
  • 1 cup celery, sliced
  • 1 cup cabbage, shredded
  • ½ cup green pepper, chopped
  • 4 oz. pimento, chopped

In small saucepan, combine gelatin, sugar, and salt; mix well.
Add 1 cup water.
Heat over low heat, stirring constantly, until sugar and gelatin are dissolved. Remove from heat.
Stir in apple juice, lemon juice, vinegar, and ¼ cup cold water.
Pour into medium bowl.
Refrigerate 1 hour, or until mixture is consistency of unbeaten egg white.
Add carrot, celery, cabbage, green pepper, and pimento; stir until well combined.
Turn into decorative, 1½ quart mold.
Refrigerate 4 hours, or until firm.
To unmold: Run small spatula around edge of mold; invert onto serving plate.
Place hot dishcloth over mold; shake gently to release. Repeat, if necessary.
Lift off mold; refrigerate until ready to serve.

~ From McCall’s Great American Recipe Card Collection

THEME SONG: Sweetest Perfection, Depeche Mode

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25 responses

  1. OMG!!! Hilarious and disgusting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    June 29, 2018 at 5:27 AM

    • A more accurate title would be ‘Imperfection Salad.’

      Watch out for that blue jell-o. It stains!

      Liked by 2 people

      June 29, 2018 at 10:38 AM

  2. I’m shocked! No blue mushroom and balsamic dressing!

    Liked by 1 person

    June 29, 2018 at 7:58 AM

  3. A good way to get the little ones to eat their vegs 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    June 29, 2018 at 8:08 AM

    • Good point! Brussels Sprouts do appear more attractive when they’re stained blue.

      Liked by 1 person

      June 29, 2018 at 10:29 AM

  4. Now that is an awesome seablue salad that also looks festive. Bravo! Taste wise…hmm lethal Thai chillis and brussel sprouts..I wonder how it went down to tummy?😁🎂💕

    Liked by 1 person

    June 29, 2018 at 8:53 AM

  5. Ha! I am quite surprised to learn there is some kind of time limit to playing with bubble wrap and drinking from the skulls of your enemy? I mean really, does that ever get boring?

    I detest jello, jello does not work for me. I mean, ewwww…..I just try to avoid all gelatinous masses of goo, always. However, there is this guy who makes applesauce, mixes it with jello and makes these colorful applesauce jello squares. Those are good, they work for me. The apple sauce changes the texture of the jello.

    Liked by 1 person

    June 29, 2018 at 10:45 AM

    • The addition of raw vegetables does nothing to improve the texture of the goo. Not one bit.

      Applesauce and jell-o? Why didn’t they teach us that in chemistry class?

      Like

      June 29, 2018 at 10:55 AM

  6. Vegetables, so I am told, are at their best when closest to their natural state.
    Surely the same approach must be true for the jell-o; what’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.
    The natural state for jell-o is… cow.
    Sooo… leave vegetables and cow in a field, where, naturally, the cow will eat the vegetables.
    Et voila – vegetables in jell-o, in it’s most natural, bio-dynamic, healthy state.

    One very large slice of cow for me please, I’m eating healthy.
    And goose in sauce for dessert.

    Liked by 1 person

    June 29, 2018 at 11:48 AM

    • What did the cow eat to make the jell-o blue?

      Like

      June 29, 2018 at 12:16 PM

      • Oh, that’s artificial additives – it says it so proudly on the front of the packet. Probably anti-depressants, or some other chemicals that wild cows don’t need.
        Natural jell-o is white with black spots, or a sort of golden brown colour, though there are of course regional variants of pure black (liquorice?), plain white (vanilla?), roan (paprika?) and even the dark brown hairy highland version which tastes of peat bogs (whiskey).
        There, what better reason do you need to eat grass-fed jello-o, and stay away from the barn reared artificial blue stuff.

        Liked by 1 person

        June 29, 2018 at 12:37 PM

  7. The secret ingredient, I’m told, is love…

    Liked by 1 person

    June 29, 2018 at 2:39 PM

  8. I love church pot-luck suppers, but they do scare me a little. Where I am attending now, they are stuck in the 50’s. 10 ladies sign up for salad and 9 bring jello.

    I just might try this one. I think they will love it.

    Liked by 1 person

    July 26, 2018 at 6:59 AM

    • It’s unfortunate, in a way, that my mother never considered jello as a salad when I was a kid.

      But no one can say that this isn’t a proper, healthy salad- it contains vegetables!

      Liked by 1 person

      July 27, 2018 at 6:37 PM

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