Jamaican Beef Patties ~ The Darkside of Suspended Animation

Don’t set your wit against a child. ~ Jonathan Swift

There was a time when Sister Madly was convinced that people ceased to exist when she was not with them. It was not that they simply disappeared to some mystery kingdom – a nightmare that plagues children from time to time – but that they were plunged into a vortex of suspended animation. Nothing existed nor came to pass unless she was near; nothing really mattered unless she decided that it mattered. The progression of life itself depended entirely upon her presence.*

* Sister Madly should probably mention that she hasn’t believed this for a long time now- that is, for weeks. She is an adult, after all.

While not everyone was familiar with the Laws of Suspended Animation, every child was familiar with the never-ending appetite of the Dark. It’s well-known that when one turns off the light in a basement, one has only 10 seconds to make it up the stairs- otherwise, the Dark will devour you. Losing children to the Dark is unfortunate, that much is true; but those children could be easily replaced. However, the same could not be said about Sister Madly. She had a responsibility to the human race: they only exist if she exits, and if the Dark wins, it would mean the end of all mankind. Sister Madly was well-aware that she was placing humanity in danger every time she ventured downstairs.

It was during one of these expeditions to the basement that a 6-year-old Sister Madly came across a sheer, red and black babydoll tucked away in a shoe box. She had never seen anyone in her family wear this strange nightie before- besides, who would want to? It was see-through, which meant it would be plenty chilly in the winter, and there didn’t seem to be any pants! No outfit is complete without pants. Pajamas are meant to be sensible and comfy, like the footed-sleeper that Sister Madly wore every night, zipped up tightly under her chin.

The logical conclusion was that some wayward sleepwalker managed to defy the Laws of Suspended Animation, break into her basement, and was immediately devoured by the Dark. Her parents then tried to cover this up by hiding the evidence in a shoebox. Judging by the size of the strange nightie- which, of course, was meant to be ankle-length- that someone had been a munchkin.

Sister Madly made it up the stairs in record time that night.

The awful truth about the babydoll was revealed some years later, when her mother cheerfully confessed that the lingerie was hers and had been worn only once- however briefly- on a night that resulted in Sister Madly.*

* No doubt this lingerie was set aside in order to remind her mother not to do the things that eventually resulted in the aforementioned Sister Madly. The world doesn’t need any more of those.

Sister Madly found this absolutely horrifying. Her mother, in this see-through, no-pants nightie, did some sort of ritualistic dance which summoned the Stork to drop Sister Madly on her doorstep!

You know what that means, don’t you? It means that it doesn’t matter if Sister Madly makes it up the stairs in under 10 seconds; it doesn’t matter if she is devoured by the Dark. The human race existed- even thrived- before she was born! And if it did so before she existed, it certainly will do so after.

But that was nothing compared to the utter horror of discovering what that ritualistic, Stork-summoning dance turned out to be.

JAMAICAN BEEF PATTIES

  • oil, for sautéing
  • 2 garlic, minced
  • 1 onion, chopped
  • 1 chili, seeded & chopped (opt)
  • 1 lb minced beef
  • 1 cup beef broth
  • 2 tsp curry powder
  • 1 tsp coriander
  • 1/2 tsp thyme
  • 1/2 tsp allspice
  • 1/4 tsp sweet paprika
  • 1/4 tsp turmeric
  • salt/pepper, to taste
  • 1 egg, beaten
  • 2 sheet puff pastry, thawed
  • shredded cheese (opt; not traditional, but… cheese)

FILLING
Sauté onion until translucent; 5 min
Add garlic and pepper (if using) sauté 2-3 min
Add spices; mix until fragrant; 1 min
Add beef; sauté until cooked through
Add broth; simmer until evaporated

BAKE
Preheat the oven to 400*
Roll out pastry sheets; cut into squares/rounds
Add filling to pastry
Top filling with cheese (if using)
Fold pastry over filling; seal edges
Brush with egg wash; bake 20-25 minutes, or until golden

THEME SONG: Dancing in the Dark, Bruce Springsteen

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24 responses

  1. Haha, brilliant. Is it the darkness we once feared or the rampaging uncertainty of our imaginations? Either way, it’s never a bad time to eat a pattie.

    Liked by 1 person

    March 9, 2018 at 6:26 AM

    • Definitely the darkness. The fact that it devours young children is a fact, not imagination!

      Liked by 1 person

      March 9, 2018 at 9:54 AM

  2. This reminds me of the time I got into my moms makeup at about 5 yrs old and she came to find me covered in lipstick and rouge and powders from head to toe. I was quite the site ! Perhaps I was trying to scare the dark away or entice it …I am not sure…. 🙂

    Thank you once again for giving me a wonderful laugh and smile this morning Madly dear..,.. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    March 9, 2018 at 6:36 AM

  3. Are you existentially certain the world does exist with out you?

    More than one Sister Madly. I can see it now. Doppelgangers are nasty things. Maybe worse than clones.

    Liked by 2 people

    March 9, 2018 at 8:45 AM

  4. You are certifiable ;)…..in that don’t ever stop being your sort of way.

    Liked by 1 person

    March 11, 2018 at 9:47 PM

    • I must confess, I still flee up the stairs after I am forced to venture into the dark basement… yesterday, for example.

      But that is where the laundry is. I was fleeing from that, too.

      Liked by 1 person

      March 14, 2018 at 5:18 PM

  5. locksley2010

    If it’s any consolation, dearest Moppet, I was scared of the dark too. Me and my brother used to share a room together and we insisted on sleeping with the light on and the bedroom door open. I didn’t like the mirror in the cabinet either. I was terrified of waking up one night and looking in to the mirror and seeing some decomposing skeletal nightmare…… strangely enough I never worked out that I wouldn’t see anything in the dark….. kid logic.

    Liked by 1 person

    March 12, 2018 at 11:31 PM

    • I think we should embrace kid logic- we would have never made it to adulthood without it.

      And now I must cover my mirrors before going to bed tonight.

      Liked by 1 person

      March 14, 2018 at 5:26 PM

  6. locksley2010

    Whoops, sorry!

    Liked by 1 person

    March 17, 2018 at 2:17 AM

  7. locksley2010

    I think this whenever I see my hair in the morning. Think Nutty Professor meets Col. Saunders and you get the gist.

    Liked by 1 person

    March 17, 2018 at 11:55 AM

    • Hm… I wonder if we’re related…

      Liked by 1 person

      March 17, 2018 at 12:02 PM

      • locksley2010

        This would explain a lot! We possibly share some ancestor who had a penchant for whisky and storytelling…..

        Liked by 1 person

        March 17, 2018 at 12:07 PM

  8. locksley2010

    😀

    Liked by 1 person

    March 17, 2018 at 12:21 PM

  9. As a kid, I once went downstairs later at night to find my Mother in similar attire, sat astride Father. I don’t recall my feet touching any of the steps on the way back up. I guess I should be grateful it wasn’t the other way around.

    Liked by 2 people

    April 1, 2018 at 11:31 AM

    • Sometimes a child intuitively knows it is better to run back upstairs than to ask, “What are you doing?”

      Then you get older and the understanding of what you saw that night suddenly hits you…

      Liked by 2 people

      April 1, 2018 at 12:00 PM

  10. How did I miss Springsteen. Told ya I wasn’t myself. Yeah, I’m already looking to see who it was!

    Liked by 1 person

    May 6, 2018 at 4:10 PM

  11. Thank you

    Liked by 1 person

    May 6, 2018 at 4:46 PM

  12. Reblogged this on msamba.

    Liked by 1 person

    June 3, 2018 at 10:26 PM

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