The Culinary Crime Boss

As of late, Sister Madly has been reluctant to hang around the Professors for fear of catching something nasty, such as a chronic desire to play golf,* or a fatal love of calamari. When she gets restless, she absorbs such diseases like a sponge.

* But not triathlons. Sister Madly is immune to triathlons.


But when she was invited over to ‘assist in preparations for the upcoming holiday party’ Sister Madly’s restlessness got the better of her: not only did she accept the invitation, she arrived 3 minutes early- and was greeted at the door by one of the Professors who, quite unexpectedly, presented her with a cigar box.

Certainly this was a lovely gesture on the part of the Professor… a gesture that became lovelier still when Sister Madly discovered that the box did not contain the cigars depicted on the label- those had been enjoyed by person or persons unknown- but a pair of Taco Socks.

Now even though Sister Madly was invited over to ‘assist in preparations for the upcoming holiday party,’ the Professors weren’t actually allowing her to do so. If it hadn’t been for the aforementioned Lovely Gesture, Sister Madly surely would have shuffled off this mortal coil out of uselessness, if not boredom; instead, she was able to pass the time by putting the Taco Socks on the cat,* which resulted in the cat screeching like a banshee and leaping into the compost bucket.

* Sister Madly never quite got the hang of maturity, having bypassed adulthood completely and landing face-first in the middle of dementia.


This wouldn’t have happened, Professor, had you assigned Sister Madly a culinary task.

But the Professors, having decided that Sister Madly was terribly upset, denied her such a task, saying that when one cooks while angry, it comes across in the food.

And just how does one assess the temperament of a cookie, Professor? Is Sister Madly to assume that, if she doesn’t like a particular dish, the cook was angry during its preparation? She wasn’t angry the day she made the wicked little delicacy known as Ham and Banana Hollandaise– a bit puckish, perhaps, but not angry. Sister Madly could have been soaring on a lovely rainbow bliss and that dish still would have tasted like boiled gym socks.


It turns out that the Ham and Banana Hollandaise Incident was still a touchy subject for the Professors, the mere mention of which drove them to banish Sister Madly to the corner as though she was a particularly dim-witted child. They weren’t about to allow Sister Madly to help with the baking now as the Professors didn’t want to give their colleagues a batch of dim-witted cookies.

So Sister Madly made her displeasure known through the most passive-aggressive means imaginable: by ripping the heads and limbs off the gingerbread and turning them into zombies.

For the next few hours, Sister Madly served up tray after tray of grotesque little men with missing limbs, bleeding hearts, and x-ed out eyes- indeed, it was more than a culinary masterpiece; it was pure art. Sister Madly was rather pleased with the result- why, she couldn’t have been more pleased if she had ordered a hit on the local bakery like some Culinary Crime Boss…


“What are you doing?!”

Well, Professor, she was under the impression that she was doing you all a favor. You said you wanted the gingerbread decorated.

“But zombies? For Christmas?”

Christmas does not discriminate against the undead, Professor, and neither does the Underworld. Besides, you never specified how the gingerbread were to be decorated, so Sister Madly took certain liberties. Just as one can’t get mad at mustard for tasting like mustard, one can’t get mad at Sister Madly for doing Sister Madly things. Seriously, never has she heard such ingratitude- you could very well end up with a gingerbread head in your bed tomorrow morning!

It‘s like this, Professor: even though it may not be what you want, it may be exactly what you need. Taco Socks, for instance; never would Sister Madly have thought that one day her livelihood would depend upon the integrity of a Taco Sock and a few bits of electrical tape, but that is precisely what happened later that night when her windshield wipers became totally incompetent in the middle of a storm.


And by Jove, it worked like a dream! Why, with such an ingenious feat of engineering, there is no need to purchase a new set of wiper blades. It is both practical and resourceful, not to mention a daring fashion statement worthy of a Culinary Crime Boss. Just one look at her Taco Sock Wiper Blade and people will say, ‘Aye, now there’s a girl who knows what she is doing!’

And what you are doing, Sister Madly, is repairing your car with tacky neon footwear!

In the end, you did catch something nasty from the Professors, Sister Madly…

Taco Socks.

THEME SONG: You Can’t Always Get What You Want, Rolling Stones


32 responses

  1. You may have not received what you desired Ms Madly but you did acquire that which you required. A little “thankee kindly” to the Cosmic Karma would not be inappropriate.

    Imagine if you’d been asked to Salad test!

    Gingerbread in bed….. some appreciate the Gingerbread exotic!

    Liked by 1 person

    December 29, 2016 at 6:05 AM

    • I try not to imagine anything that has to do with salads- one has to sleep at night, you know.

      The cosmos have been properly thanked for that night, but we are currently not speaking to each other due to an unfortunate incident involving a puddle. Our relationship is complicated.

      Liked by 1 person

      December 29, 2016 at 12:46 PM

      • A puddle of what? Gotta ask, after all, you are Sister Madly so it could be a puddle of pretty rocks. Existentialism at it’s finest!

        Liked by 1 person

        December 29, 2016 at 12:52 PM

        • A puddle of muddy water, a big truck, and a bag of groceries… It wasn’t pretty.

          Liked by 1 person

          December 29, 2016 at 12:58 PM

        • Tis a shame lass when the Cosmos forsake thee for introspection minute.

          Hopefully Karma filled the bags to water balloon proportions!

          Liked by 1 person

          December 29, 2016 at 1:03 PM

  2. Ha! We need to put a patent on the sock and windshield wiper trick. It works really well if you have some hello kitty duct tape, too. I’ve lost track of all the people who have told me, “you know, wiper blades are like, about 8 bucks. Live a little.”

    I’m encouraged to know someone else has been banned from the feast preparations. I find that most annoying, I am actually a good cook. It’s hard not to take offense when someone says, “No! Don’t bring anything.” In that case I am going to be bored, and you really don’t want me bored.

    Liked by 2 people

    December 29, 2016 at 7:49 AM

    • If people are just going to ban us from cooking, why do they invite us to join them in the first place? As if we’re going to ruin some perfectly good food by putting poison in it…

      I’ll have to remember the Hello Kitty Duct Tape next time- much more stylish!

      Liked by 2 people

      December 29, 2016 at 12:36 PM

  3. Is that picture of the cookies actually yours… I must know… 🙂 . You can come and decorate for my abode anytime Miss Madly for any occasion from Halloween , Christmas to the little obscure ones no one even remembers 🙂 . I would be honored.

    Angry cooking, manic cooking, happy deranged cooking , solemn cooking… I will take it all…

    Can I have you as the sister I never had? Please please…. I need some of you in my life…:)

    Thanks for the entertainment … I smiled until it hurt…. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    December 29, 2016 at 8:28 AM

    • Unfortunately, I did not get a pic of the gingerbread zombies, which might be for the best. My cookies turned out so much more gory! }:~>

      I suppose I could make you an honorary sibling- I’ve never had a brother… ;c)

      Liked by 1 person

      December 29, 2016 at 12:31 PM

      • I will call you Sis then from now for other reasons than the obvious then…:) I think you are still the youngest in this dysfunctional family so you still will be the little sister… 🙂

        So you must listen to my wisdom and advice at all times… ignore my wit at your peril … I often am fountain of profound Philosophy waiting to be harnessed I tell you…


        Liked by 1 person

        December 29, 2016 at 12:44 PM

        • Listen? I can do that. Heed? A bit more difficult. Little Sisters are often biologically programmed to be brats.

          Liked by 1 person

          December 29, 2016 at 12:54 PM

  4. Well , I shall try not to chuck peas at you from across the table when you rile me up… 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    December 29, 2016 at 1:19 PM

    • But that’s what peas are for!

      Liked by 1 person

      December 29, 2016 at 1:30 PM

      • Incoming… ping …ping…ping… it ! I have a deadly aim with my catapult Spoon launcher…. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        December 29, 2016 at 1:46 PM

        • And I have terrible aim, so… retaliation shall come when you least expect it!

          Liked by 1 person

          December 29, 2016 at 2:34 PM

  5. If the cookies are real….I wish you can come bake for me. Happy new year SM!! May 2017 bring you all good things and more entertainment from your blog site!! 😃

    Liked by 1 person

    December 30, 2016 at 4:09 AM

    • Ha ha! Thank you! ;c)

      I’d love to visit your side of the world someday and bake you cookies- zombies or not! ;c)

      Liked by 1 person

      December 30, 2016 at 1:11 PM

      • Yaay!! Cannot wait to read your New Year post! Have a great 2017 SM!! 😊

        Liked by 1 person

        December 30, 2016 at 11:05 PM

  6. Dang. Now I want taco socks for my wiper blades.

    Liked by 1 person

    January 3, 2017 at 5:30 AM

  7. The discrimination against zombies at Christmas is a disgrace. I’ve always found putting the annoying drunk uncle outside for the zombies is an excellent way to spread holiday cheer both indoors and out.

    Liked by 1 person

    January 3, 2017 at 10:44 AM

    • I found that to be true as well- until the day I became the annoying drunk…

      Liked by 1 person

      January 3, 2017 at 12:37 PM

      • After that pot roast I made I feel like I’ll qualify next Christmas!

        Liked by 3 people

        January 3, 2017 at 8:10 PM

        • Ha! In that case, I’ll be at your door so we can stroll the neighborhood/fight the zombies together!

          (I’m not much of a beer fan, either. ;c) )

          Liked by 3 people

          January 3, 2017 at 9:16 PM

  8. locksley2010

    Window-wipers, socks and zombies, oh my!

    Liked by 3 people

    January 5, 2017 at 6:16 AM

    • Everything one needs for a relaxing evening in front of the fire.

      Liked by 3 people

      January 5, 2017 at 12:03 PM

      • locksley2010

        That and a bottle of Jack.

        Liked by 3 people

        January 5, 2017 at 12:11 PM

        • That would elevate it to the PERFECT relaxing evening in front of the fire!

          Liked by 3 people

          January 5, 2017 at 12:16 PM

        • locksley2010


          Liked by 3 people

          January 5, 2017 at 12:36 PM

  9. wonderfully original, as always!

    Liked by 3 people

    January 14, 2017 at 10:39 AM

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