So You Want to Make a Christian Scare Film

So you want to make a Christian Scare Film. Where do you go from here?

thief-in-the-night

To begin with, this is not just a propaganda film; this is a Christian Scare Film, whose holy objective of “scaring people into heaven” is to be regarded as blackmail coercion love. If successful, you may one day find your film at a popular independent movie rental under Cult Classics, sub category YAHWEH IS ANGRY.

Once again, you want to make a Christian Scare Film. Where do you go from here?

Allow Sister Madly to provide you with a few simple steps:
1.) Don’t.

But for those of you who are biologically engineered to ignore sound advice, Sister Madly has gathered for you the tips to divine infamy based upon an untidy little Christploitation Series known as A Thief in the Night.

thief-series

For those of you whose childhood was unsullied by this low-budget trauma, A Thief in the Night and its sequels depicts all the joys and unapologetic good-times to be had for those living in a post-apocalyptic world. True, the same can be said for many made-for-TV quality movies of that era, but Thief has a special place in Sister Madly’s history for unintentionally portraying both religion and 70’s fashion as slightly less appealing than the Tribulation.

Also, Ritz Crackers.

So once again, you want to make a Christian Scare Film. Where do you go from here?

~ MUSIC ~
The theme song should not be an uplifting little ditty easily forgotten, but a depressing, soul-sucking earworm. Otherwise, your viewers will just end up listening to their rock music in reverse, trying to decode the satanic messages.

* Warning: depressing earworm ahead *

thief

~ INTERPRET THE SOURCE LITERALLY ~
The Book of Revelations is to be interpreted literally- especially the bit about the locusts.*

* Revelations 9:3-10

grasshopper

As you can imagine, it is difficult to find a grasshopper of that caliber.
So here is a picture of the classic cocktail.

~ RITZ CRACKERS ~
While one might think this is shameless product placement, this delicacy of yesteryear serves to remind Sister Madly of the old linoleum adorning in her parent’s kitchen floor. People tend to become wistful, if not melancholic, when faced with cracker nostalgia, which makes them much more susceptible to the Divine Message.

ritz-2

~ BAR CODES ~
Bar codes. Bar codes everywhere.

mark-right-hand

~ SCIENCE ~
Science is simply overrated. For example, it is entirely safe to wander about a city located a few miles from the site of a very recent nuclear detonation. The aforementioned city will also be entirely in tact and free from radiation- but a looted sweater will take care of any pesky contamination leftover on that abandoned Corvette your characters intend to take on a 14ft joyride.*

* Make sure your characters return the sweater. Christian Scare Films do not condone sweater theft.

no-radiation

~ CONTINUITY ~
Continuity is also overrated. Hairstyles and moustaches are best represented in the current fashion, and there is no need to concern yourself with dreary continuity errors even though your next film picks up immediately from where the previous one left off 3 years prior.

thief-continuity

Filmed 3 years apart.
Takes place 30 seconds apart.

~ PYREX ~
Not the measuring cups currently produced, but the decorative kitchenware released between the 1940’s – 1980’s, which has become the obsession of Tallulah collectors. The piece making a guest appearance in Thief is known as ‘Early American,’ Tallulah was quick to inform- that is, after much indignation was expressed that the bowl was actually used for mixing rather than sitting pretty on a shelf.* Too many Pyrex cameos, however, will distract Tallulah viewers from the Divine Message.

* Sister Madly strongly believes this is why Tallulah cannot stay awake through Casablanca: no vintage Pyrex. None.

thief-pyrax

~ HAND PUPPETS ~
Including hand-puppets for people too old to be communicating with hand-puppets will distract the viewers from the fact that your actor is too old to be playing a character who routinely communicates with hand-puppets.

thief-puppet

~ STAR IN YOUR OWN FILM ~
Just do it!

thief-costar

Implement these simple, yet classic Scare Film Staples, and you, too, may one day find your film at a popular independent movie rental under Cult Classics, sub category YAHWEH IS ANGRY.*

* Sister Madly would be angry, too, if someone made an incompetent movie about her.

You will also scare the butterbeans out of anyone under the age of 7. Trust her on this one.

But most importantly: Ritz Crackers.

ritz

THEME SONG: I Wish We’d All Been Ready, The Fishmarket Combo


Images:

1.) A Thief in the Night
2.) Pinterest
3.) A Thief in the Night
4.) Pinterest
5.) Thief in the Night
6.) A Distant Thunder
7.) The Prodigal Planet
8.) A Distant Thunder/Image of the Beast
9.) A Thief in the Night
10.) A Thief in the Night
11.) A Thief in the Night
12.) foodrunfix.com

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31 responses

  1. How fun it might be to turn a christian scare film into a board game or collectable card game.
    *Loot A Sweater: -2 Radiation/ +1 Sin*

    Liked by 2 people

    November 12, 2016 at 5:44 AM

  2. Thank you as always for the sage advice Ms Madly. Your unique insight makes it easy to eschew all others Master, errrrrr, Milady. Anything else in that ear worm we need to know about? I must confess to expecting something entirely different but after further thought what I thought would of been no thought for Sister Madly as she’d of thought it mainstream and discarded the thought.

    Liked by 1 person

    November 12, 2016 at 7:00 AM

    • That ear worm is directly from ‘A Thief in the Night’- in fact, that clip is the opening credits. One has to hear it to believe it… to never forget it…

      Liked by 1 person

      November 12, 2016 at 10:26 AM

      • I was never exposed to that show or the worm until now. I was leading a charmed life maybe?

        There is an actor buddy of mine who is going to be told to read this post. Last time I saw him he was headed to get a crucifix for a film he’s in.

        Liked by 1 person

        November 12, 2016 at 10:31 AM

        • Either a charmed life or far, far away from certain doomsday-focused denominations.

          Of course, if you find yourself in an overly cheerful mood and need to tone it down to downright depression, all 4 films in this series can currently be found for free on Vimeo… or, less occasionally, on YouTube.

          But you’ve been warned.

          Liked by 1 person

          November 12, 2016 at 10:48 AM

        • Thank you. I appreciate the “keep your head down and tail moving rapidly away” advice.

          Charmed? With the guardian angel I have, not seeing it.

          Liked by 1 person

          November 12, 2016 at 10:52 AM

        • Sometimes what looks like a curse is really a blessing in disguise…

          Oh, wait… he wouldn’t be too big on the ‘blessing’ part, would he?

          Liked by 1 person

          November 12, 2016 at 11:04 AM

        • Depends on the blessing. Sometimes being damned for all time isn’t a curse.

          Liked by 1 person

          November 12, 2016 at 12:28 PM

  3. Oh dear, that song is back in my head. I finally got rid of that in the 80’s with REO Speedwagon. I believe in Christ, and mercy, and Heaven and all that. But I had no idea that Ritz crackers were so insidious. I am a little frightened of my pantry now.

    Liked by 1 person

    November 12, 2016 at 7:20 AM

    • It’s in mine head, too. Just might need to play REO to get rid of it… but is it worth the risk?

      Like

      November 12, 2016 at 10:20 AM

  4. Interestingly written.

    Liked by 1 person

    November 12, 2016 at 7:36 AM

    • Thank you. A little different from my usual style, so I appreciate it. ;c)

      Liked by 1 person

      November 12, 2016 at 10:15 AM

  5. Sounds like fun! Xp

    Liked by 1 person

    November 12, 2016 at 11:00 AM

  6. Meh! Gone crackers. Shared PC was logged in on the business account, so I just posted under someone else’s name.
    Oh dear… there will be consequences.
    Humble apologies.

    Like

    November 12, 2016 at 3:48 PM

    • Apologies accepted! Certainly sounds like something I would do, so I understand!

      (if you would rather the post be deleted under that account, I will do so.)

      Like

      November 12, 2016 at 4:46 PM

      • I think that would be best, if you would be so kind. If cut and paste had worked I’d have just moved it across… never mind, you’ve read it anyway, and the rest of the world can simply wonder at eloquence they missed.

        Like

        November 12, 2016 at 5:40 PM

        • Will do!

          Passing the cider across the miles…

          Liked by 1 person

          November 13, 2016 at 2:06 AM

        • Heart of gold, beneath that occluded visage. It’s OK, I won’t tell anyone.

          Liked by 1 person

          November 13, 2016 at 2:16 AM

  7. Divinely funny, great start for my day. Thanks for this one.

    Liked by 1 person

    November 13, 2016 at 12:38 AM

    • And a great comment to end my day! ;c) Thanks for stopping by!

      Like

      November 13, 2016 at 2:09 AM

  8. I was handed a pamphlet once and he said I would go to hell if I didn’t repent and find Jesus….I asked him if he was going to Hel. He said NO. I said good, then this may be the last time I have to run into you again.

    Liked by 1 person

    November 14, 2016 at 6:03 AM

    • Ha!

      … but what if he’s wrong?!

      Liked by 1 person

      November 14, 2016 at 10:12 PM

      • Wrong about himself not going to Hell? Well, I will just have to hope I’m tortured far away from him. … 🙂 Unless he is my form of torture every day… ugh…. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        November 15, 2016 at 5:21 AM

  9. There but by the grace of… I think I will leave this kind of filmmaking to those with the [Ritz-filled] stomach for it.

    Hey not to take you way off tangent from this post — though I think I sense a deep trauma that I really ought to pull you away from — but I’ve been thinking about you ever since I started reading Jay Kristoff’s “Nevernight” https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/26114463-nevernight Not only because I think you would appreciate anything with a murderous heroine but the narrator of the book (who I’m quite sure is not human) is trying to write like you! The audacity, I know. Seriously, though, the grim humor is aces, if you’re looking for something fantastical to read…. The failed librarian in me can’t resist these kind of random recommendations. ^_^

    Liked by 1 person

    November 14, 2016 at 9:47 AM

    • I’m all up for recommendations- books, music, etc- bring ’em on! Will definitely check the book out- who knows, I may need a ghost writer someday. ;c)

      The film series referenced in this post- yeah, there’s definitely no good memories attached to them. It actually took me over 6 months to complete this post.

      Liked by 1 person

      November 14, 2016 at 10:19 PM

  10. Gospel to me… I enjoyed this very much 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    November 14, 2016 at 1:17 PM

    • Just the basic blueprint for any low-budget scare film, although you might be quite successful if you start your own religion!

      Liked by 1 person

      November 14, 2016 at 10:22 PM

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