The Stone-Cold Logic of a Past-Life Halibut

It’s been said that epiphanies don’t come to those who have all the answers, but to those who haven’t a clue.

halibut

Immediately following a round of ear drops, Sister Madly attempted to navigate through the whole of her itty-bitty apartment with her head tilted to the side. It was at that moment that Sister Madly had an epiphany of her own: she would never make it as a halibut.

To be fair, it’s not that she has spent her idle hours wondering what life would be like as a halibut; sometimes the universe just comes along and gives you the answer to a question you never thought to ask.

And clearly the halibut lifestyle is out of her league.

You see, halibut swim upright during the early stages of life; but as juveniles they begin swimming sideways, which cannot be a pleasant way to exist. Sister Madly has no idea how halibut make it through their posh nautical bungalows without getting lightheaded or crashing into the doorframe, but she gives them kudos for doing so.

seahorse

Yet there is plenty to envy in the life of a halibut: swimming about with no inhibitions, no politics, no leafy greens on the menu. No taxes. No jury duty. No Jehovah Witnesses pounding on the door at 8 in the morning- nothing but that sweet, deep-sea life of mayhem, grand debauchery, and seahorses.

It suddenly occurred to her that she knew an awful lot about the life of a halibut without ever having encountered the fish in its natural habitat, much less befriending one. Such insider knowledge could only be explained by having been a halibut in a past life.

Not doubt these fishy reflections would have gone by the wayside had she not encountered the Professors later at the pub, where a discussion broke out on whether or not Sister Madly had knitted a certain scarf (which she certainly did not.*) The interrogation became so intense that Sister Madly hardly noticed the moment all the pitiless PhD’s agreed on splitting a Fish Sandwich- which turned out to be halibut.

* Neither does she crochet, sew, or do whatever it is that one does with a loom.

hannibal

Now on any given day, Sister Madly can be found treading somewhere between stone-cold logic and utter psychosis, but that night, she was flirting with the point of no return. Never had she been so tortured over a Sandwich- and not from a ethical viewpoint, which could be forgiven, but that of a hapless soul fearing that she may be noshing upon her own brethren like some aquatic Hannibal Lecter!

So she discussed the matter amongst herself:

It’s just a sandwich, Sister Madly.
~ Not just any sandwich- a halibut sandwich.

A dead halibut, so what does it matter?
~ But it does matter! What if this filet had once been her best friend? Or one of her descendents? Seriously, this is a deep-fried nibble dish of everything that is wrong with society!

fish-sandwich

What in tarnation… Do you realize, Sister Madly, that your obsession with a fish is rendering you completely incapable of defending yourself against the grisly accusation of Scarf Knitting? You must not let yourself be thwarted by a sandwich yet again!

“You do realize that you are not actually a halibut, don’t you?”

She may not be a halibut now, Professor, but she may have been in a past life. In fact, the evidence is overwhelming:

Halibut: does not knit.
Sister Madly: does not knit.

Halibut: cannot live without water
Sister Madly: cannot live without water

Halibut: does not speak Swahili
Sister Madly: does not speak Swahili

Halibut: very tasty
Sister Madly: not very tasty *

* Trust her on this one. ‘Bitter’ is her middle name.

Halibut: strange looking
Sister Madly: strange looking

logic-2

As you can see, Sister Madly fits the criteria of a halibut in 4 of the 5 characteristics listed, which proves that she was a halibut in a past life.* Logic, Professor; stone-cold logic.

* 5 out of 5 would prove that she is one currently.

Naturally, the Professor could not* argue with her reasoning.

* Some would say ‘would not’ but, whatever.

But that didn’t mean the argument was finished.

“Are you quite sure that you didn’t knit this scarf?”

Of course! Halibut don’t knit.

“Neither do wheat threshers.”

You know, you might be on to something there, Professor! Not only to wheat threshers not knit, Sister Madly instinctively knew that, much like herself, wheat threshers have absolutely no desire to learn the skill. Thus the only conclusion to be drawn is that before she was reincarnated as a halibut, Sister Madly was first a wheat thresher.

Logic. Stone-cold logic.

logic

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30 responses

  1. Yes, yes, completely logical conclusions. How could they not be…as a Halibut you would have been well schooled.

    Liked by 2 people

    October 22, 2016 at 6:13 AM

    • I see what you did here…

      And you are absolutely right! Thank you for aiding my defense.

      Liked by 1 person

      October 22, 2016 at 10:40 AM

  2. Ha! Well done. I have never fancied myself to be a halibut before, but I can see why you might empathize.

    Sadly, I have murdered a few halibut in my day. Actually it isn’t sad at at all, they were quite tasty.

    Liked by 1 person

    October 22, 2016 at 7:45 AM

    • Having once been a halibut myself, I am reasonably certain the fish were quite happy to give there lives in order to provide a tasty meal. They aren’t complicated creatures, really.

      Liked by 1 person

      October 22, 2016 at 10:46 AM

  3. I bet Sister Madly smells better than a halibut…. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    October 22, 2016 at 7:47 AM

    • I’d like to think so, but that might explain why I bond so well with cats.

      Liked by 2 people

      October 22, 2016 at 10:46 AM

  4. Haha! This was highly entertaining! A funny and fun read! Keep up the great work!

    Cheers! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    October 22, 2016 at 10:39 AM

  5. In future I shall not go fishing just for the halibut and shall go fish because it is Madly Exciting.

    There’s some flaws with the firetruck logic, that 12″ thingy is not a ruler and is a rule and Queen Elizabeth is still the ruler.

    How did you ascertain you aren’t very tasty?

    Liked by 1 person

    October 22, 2016 at 11:39 AM

    • Fishing exciting? Opposed to watching paint dry, I suppose.

      There was a Queen Elizabeth prior to this one- the last of the Tudors. I know this because I have met her several times at various Renaissance Faires throughout the years.

      Actually, the biggest flaw I find in that logic is that I seem to encounter more yellow fire trucks than red ones- unless, like leaves, they change color in the fall.

      The monsters under the bed and in the closest have never once tried to eat me, thus the only conclusion to be drawn here is that I’m not very tasty. See? Stone-cold logic.

      Liked by 2 people

      October 22, 2016 at 12:05 PM

      • I’m gonna have to ponder the sheer utter audacity of her highnee cavorting with the doodles, errrr colonists. Oh Firetruck!

        I’ll work the Red and the Yellow theory but I got an idea how it’s going to turn out..

        Liked by 1 person

        October 22, 2016 at 12:16 PM

        • I must say, that’s one of the nicest things I’ve been called at a Ren Faire… and to be fair, Her Majesty often had no choice but to cavort with lesser individuals… hee hee…

          Red and yellow together create orange, so perhaps all firetrucks are orange in the end.

          Liked by 1 person

          October 22, 2016 at 12:29 PM

        • She “had no choice”… Oh I get it! It was good of Liza to help out and keep an eye on the Tics.

          Liked by 1 person

          October 22, 2016 at 12:48 PM

        • The didn’t call them the Dark Ages for nothing!

          Liked by 1 person

          October 22, 2016 at 1:05 PM

  6. Hmmm… Halibut Lecter… now there’s a meme to conjure with. “Abraca…what!”

    Actually I posit the theorem that not only were you at least one halibut in ‘prior incarnato’, you were, or will be, a wheat thresher, sea cucumber, blue-green algae and ‘firetruck-orange’ lichen at some point in your temporal span.

    Personally I rarely remember my existence as a pomegranate, which proves nothing as sometimes I don’t remember what I was saying form one end of a sentence to the opposite over the adjacent… excuse me, I seem to have gone off on a tangent there…

    Anyhow, I wanted to thank you for a good cure for the morning after – I wish I’d received this the night before, as it would have saved some fuzzy headed hours that could have been used in productive dreaming.

    Enchantée

    Liked by 1 person

    October 22, 2016 at 2:07 PM

    • Halibut Lecter- Ha! I love it! Thank you.

      Quite frankly, I’m looking forward to the relatively peaceful set of future lives that you predict. I was fearing that I would end up a fly destined to be a hapless victim of a particularly diabolical venus flytrap.

      Perhaps you were once the pomegranate that is featured in the tale of Persephone… to think, you once mingled- however briefly- with Hades down in the Underworld! That would entitle you to some bragging rights. Maybe one day it will all come back to you in memory- or better yet, in a productive dream… be sure to tell all, when it happens!

      Like

      October 22, 2016 at 5:12 PM

  7. You’ve got me snorting with laughter AGAIN! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    October 23, 2016 at 12:55 PM

  8. And I thought my mind was the only mind that followed the meandering threads of life many facets through to their oh so logical connections and conclusions… 🙂

    You know, I think you would do very well as a Halibut swimming in such a way… please remember your new incarnation of human has feet and that those feet are firmly planted on a 2Dimensional plan called the ground being pulled down by gravity with forward facing eyes for a perspective only.

    The Fish swims in a 3 Dimensional world so he just bloops along not looking down at the ground but at the sky above and the murky depths below where at first glance, he says to him or herself, Wow! its so bright up and lovely a day then in the next telling himself oh what nice undulating seaweed I see that is dancing on the dim ocean floor , wait is that shark coming at me!?

    So you see you can daydream like you love to do but at the same time be wary but appreciative of the missed wonders and dangers that befall the other side of your eye….:)

    But that’s just my very educated opinion just for the Halibut…. 🙂

    *Surprised no one made that joke prior to me….

    PS Personally I think you will come back as a cat with a taste for lapping up your owner’s cider when he is not looking….

    Liked by 1 person

    October 26, 2016 at 7:08 AM

    • Nah- I’ll be the cat who laps up cider when the owner IS looking… heck, I do that now!

      But my feet aren’t planted firmly on the ground! I’m sitting on a very tall chair and my feet swing freely- what does this mean, O’ Wise Philosopher of Deep Sea Past Lives!?

      Liked by 1 person

      October 27, 2016 at 12:40 AM

  9. Hmmm…I am, thinking you once were a smart ass catfish then!….. wily and whiskered with a inclination to swim through cider flavored waterways cavorting with other miscreants and nibbling on Duck’s toes as you passed them by. You were mischievous and a rogue of the fresh winding waters , elusive, and full of future foul deeds until you were kicked out.

    OR

    You came from an alien planet, no reason to think you are not some weird exotic variety of alien Halibut that swam in cider seas and had feet and occasionally spun around upon a pedestal . I am sure that species of fish is still quite common on other planets if were to look….no brainer there….sheesh … 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    October 27, 2016 at 6:45 AM

    • Let’s see… catfish, or alien halibut from outer space- let’s go with that last one!

      And what were you in a past life?

      Like

      October 27, 2016 at 11:52 AM

      • I was a boulder…a pretty boulder with nice curves , a pretty color and nice luster…I often got pushed around by the cyclical glacial coming and goings down from the high mountains everyone 5,00 to 10,000 years…..and pretty much ignored expect for the occasional bear that would rub his butt on me. I was once waist deep in water for a bit and ran into a smart aleck Halibut that had swum by ….:)

        Once the world dried out , a stone mason/sculptor eventually found me buried in a copse of overgrown bushes and weeds and pulled me out with his team of hardy mules and took me back to his studio shop to work on me as he was inspired to carve me into a beautiful statue of Cthulu…as he was secretly a member of that secret society Hail Hydra….harrumph I mean all Hail Cthulu supreme being of all the known universe…

        Sadly the sculptor died before he could even to attempt to sculpt me but the local patrons did decide to place me on his gravesite and etch his epitaph into my grain behind. (yes they placed me upside with my face buried in the dirt) Not many know …but boulders do have a head… sheesh.

        Not sure what the epitaph said as boulder cant read….pretty sure it was a great one…

        Eventually however the elements finally got to me and eroded me away …and now I guess I am everyone… in the wind that blows specks in your eye, in the dirty snow that falls in winter, to the adobe huts of Mexico and the mudpie made as a kid….. 🙂

        I think I may have picked up myself as a small pebble of me as I walking the road one day….I still had the nice color and luster to me….:)

        Liked by 1 person

        October 27, 2016 at 1:15 PM

  10. The stone-cold logical course through SM’s past life regressions? Unassailable as always! And thanks for the “What in tarnation?” memory. I think the last guy to say that was Gabby Hayes – before SM, of course.

    Liked by 1 person

    October 27, 2016 at 9:54 AM

    • “What in Tarnation” needs to be reintroduced into society. So much indignation has not been properly expressed due to it’s loss.

      Liked by 1 person

      October 27, 2016 at 11:55 AM

      • I’m going to find opportunities to use it, along with Consarn it! and Dagnabit!

        Liked by 1 person

        October 27, 2016 at 3:00 PM

        • Aye! I shall do my best to utilize these as well, as I seek to expand my vocabulary. Thank you for the reminding me of these gems.

          Liked by 1 person

          October 27, 2016 at 6:16 PM

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