Miss Moneypenny Dreadful

It’s been said that eavesdropping is the epitome of bad manners, but the truth is that in every conversation that ‘doesn’t concern you,’ there is a wealth of beneficial information. Sister Madly is proud to say that she now knows the ins and the outs of a Jetta engine; how to cheat at cribbage (she doesn’t know how to play, but she knows how to cheat); that the Earth is flat, by golly; and that anyone can be hired as a phlebotomist without the least bit of know-how.

10 years of exp

No doubt it is a comfort to you to know that Sister Madly needs neither experience nor a Bachelor’s Degree to stick a needle into your veins and drain you of your life source. Degrees* and experience are the sort of things reserved for important jobs, such as dog-walking and waiting tables at the local tavern, and woe betide he who applies for these professions without them.

*Degree ‘in any field’ according to the dog-walking Ad, which is good news for Sister Madly’s neighbor who doesn’t know what to do with that BA in History.

b35a9ae3514bbca76b0172726a9f61b8

Since the moment of her conception, Sister Madly has had a strong disinterest in any career remotely related to the healthcare field. To date, it remains a contender for the last career field she’d ever consider along with politics, trigonometry, and some lingering questions as to what it is that the Department of Sanitation does all day. So when the Happy Phlebotomist embarked upon his recruitment campaign for Phlebotomy Inc., it was all that Sister Madly could do to keep from silencing him in unspeakably creative ways.

But as he stood there with a malicious good cheer that showed all of his teeth, Sister Madly decided that it would be totally unfair to dismiss this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity without hearing all the details. Perhaps there was a less hands-on position available, like personal assistant to the Head of Phlebotomy (known as ‘P’, no doubt) as a sort of Moneypenny Dreadful. So she asked if the position would require her to deal with people. Directly.

And with blood. Directly.

Yes, that was all it took to silence the Happy Phlebotomist, but it was without satisfaction. The look on his face was the same horror that commonly results after witnessing a ruthless desperado tossing chocolate bunnies through the propeller of a plane. He was completely incapable of accepting the idea that anybody would not want to pursue this fabulous profession- just absolutely fabulous.

blood splatter

“Are you saying that you can’t stand the sight of blood?”

And people, yes. Is that a problem?

Admittedly, Sister Madly did stretch the truth a bit: it’s not blood in general that she can’t stand, it’s her blood in particular that is terribly upsetting. As living creatures who often find themselves bewildered over the proper way to eat an Oreo, we each are entitled to this life-sustaining nectar in our veins; she’d just rather see your blood splattered across the pavement than her own.

It’s a personal preference. Like how lunar dust tastes better than coffee.*

*Again, Sister Madly is guilty of stretching the truth: lunar dust IS better than coffee, make no mistake.

eat the couch

There is, however, a practical side to her refusal: being a phlebotomist requires a certain finesse that Sister Madly tends to lack- you know, sticking a living someone with a sharp, pointy object in such a manner that not only causes the least amount of pain, but ensures that the someone survives the ordeal without thinking of the term ‘lawsuit.’ It also requires an unholy amount of precision that is sure to snap her sanity in two if not alleviated by eating the nearest couch.

And what about natural phenomena, such as earthquakes and spontaneous combustion? What if she sneezes in the midst of a job? She is not a dainty sneezer- you have no idea how close she came to blasting this world into oblivion last allergy season. Or what if she suddenly gets bored? Sister Madly tends to move onto another activity at the mere thought of boredom, leaving the previous one unfinished. That behavior can’t be good for business, just leaving people with needles jammed into their veins while she sits in mop bucket playing the jaw-harp.

crazy cat

But the Happy Phlebotomist heard none of this. Instead, he handed her a business card, told her to think it over, and to apply online. Also, there is a cat who lives in the parking lot.

A cat?

Where does she sign up?

*It was later noted that, when recruiting the male species, the mention of the kitty was replaced with the mention of a sandwich shop across the street.

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24 responses

  1. Ha! Very charming and funny. Thanks, I enjoyed that. I felt just as you did, people? Bodily fluids? It’s hard to decide which is worse but all round I prefer to just avoid them both. Just the same, I actually enjoy health care. My daughter went on to become a nurse and she recently posted a picture of the full moon with the words, “if this disturbs you, you’re either a nurse or a werewolf.” So you see, there are some hidden benefits to working in health care. If nothing else, you do come to understand these darker avatars of human nature.

    Liked by 1 person

    August 4, 2016 at 7:25 AM

    • People and bodily fluids-not a combo I wish to deal with on a daily basis as apparently, you can’t have one without the other.

      I do admit that I was briefly tempted by the cat… but if a cat lives in the parking lot of a clinic, what is it eating? What is so tasty that it is sticking around? Or is this the reason as to why they are hiring?

      I politely declined the position.

      Like

      August 4, 2016 at 12:19 PM

  2. The metaphors and memes in here were fantastic. I’m still visualizing the propellers.

    Liked by 1 person

    August 4, 2016 at 12:38 PM

    • Thank you!

      I waver between horrified and teary-eyed at the thought of dozens of chocolate bunnies being sacrificed to the propeller.

      Like

      August 4, 2016 at 1:28 PM

      • I can’t even eat chocolate bunnies. First of all, bunnies. Secondly, what asshole decided to charge me for all that empty space when there could be nougat or caramel happening?

        Liked by 1 person

        August 4, 2016 at 1:50 PM

        • Phlebotomists. They must be responsible for the hollowing out of chocolate bunnies- draining living creatures of all their valuable insides is the very definition of their profession!

          Like

          August 5, 2016 at 1:21 PM

        • Now I’m fantasizing about a method of sucking out the nougat in a Milky Way through a straw….

          Liked by 1 person

          August 5, 2016 at 6:20 PM

        • I’m just dreaming about a plain ol’ Milky Way…

          Like

          August 5, 2016 at 7:18 PM

  3. locksley2010

    Don’t trust him, Moppet! The ‘cat’ is obviously a ruse!

    Liked by 1 person

    August 5, 2016 at 12:18 AM

    • But who would use a cat to lure people to the phlebotomy store where they are always hiring because all the employees routinely disappear under mysterious circumstances?

      Liked by 3 people

      August 5, 2016 at 11:59 AM

      • locksley2010

        Vampires! They regularly use cats to do their bidding. Fact.

        Liked by 1 person

        August 5, 2016 at 4:42 PM

        • Vampires use cats?!?! I thought they used peanut butter.

          But what if I go pet the cat in the middle of the day in bright sunlight?

          Liked by 1 person

          August 5, 2016 at 5:05 PM

        • locksley2010

          As long as it’s during the day it’s fine. Unless the cat scratches you, that’s when it has been programmed to take a blood sample from potential victims.

          Liked by 1 person

          August 6, 2016 at 1:26 AM

        • Duly noted. I’ll be sure to wear protective armor when visiting the cat. Also, ropes of garlic.

          Liked by 1 person

          August 6, 2016 at 11:14 AM

  4. A twisted tail indeed. The cat can’t get out of the loop.

    Now if you wanted to say kick a Phlebotomist through the uprights 50 yards away for say interrupting a nap, that Trigonometry thingy would come in handy. You see if you just kick that Phlebotomist 50 yards he and/or she won’t even face plant in to the crossbar.

    Face plants in to far away objects, no pintie errrr pointy thing they can pin on you!

    50 yds = 150 feet that way > + 10 feet ^ that way which is just about the height of 2.5 Flamingos. You can see where it comes in handy.

    Have you considered desiccation of the people and keeping the fluids elsewhere?

    I’m still pondering the carnage of the rotary oscillator, among other things!

    As always Milady, IDWIC.

    Liked by 1 person

    August 5, 2016 at 12:28 PM

    • Aaannd THAT’s why Trig remains a contender for the last career field I would consider. There are many phlebotomist-dispelling methods available- wheat thresher, sucker punch, mimes, lettuce- that are not only effective but Trig-Free!

      Liked by 1 person

      August 5, 2016 at 1:17 PM

      • Then of course there is the man eating couch. I looked close. That thing is smiling and looking for seconds!

        Now about that coffee remark. I’m guessing it ground by the fan like those poor, poor bunnies and then was filtered through the man eating couch!

        The bunnies sure. A terrible thing to do to coffee!

        Liked by 1 person

        August 5, 2016 at 1:33 PM

        • The man-eating couch may be looking for seconds, true, but not for a second cup of coffee.

          Trust me.

          Liked by 1 person

          August 5, 2016 at 1:45 PM

        • No taste man eating couches. What next, tasteless no caffeine carob bunnies?

          Liked by 1 person

          August 5, 2016 at 1:51 PM

        • Yes.

          Blame the flamingos- well, I do….

          Liked by 1 person

          August 5, 2016 at 1:56 PM

        • Noted. I’m on _/\_ them! As you can see, I already got their legs and the wings with a mouldy cheese dip are next!

          Liked by 1 person

          August 5, 2016 at 2:02 PM

  5. All the talk of precious bodily fluids aside, you have piqued my interest in SOBS – sudden onset boredom syndrome. And I always learn from SM, but I thought the matter of Oreo prep had been settled? No matter. And it’s probably just an artifact of sub-conscious resonance, but I’m sure I’ve seen that cat somewhere.

    Liked by 1 person

    August 18, 2016 at 7:44 AM

    • SOBS might be distantly related to narcolepsy, but without that whole sleeping thing.

      That cat… perhaps it is the same cat whom you shared with your neighbor across the hall…? With whom you once had a serious conversation?

      Like

      August 18, 2016 at 2:47 PM

  6. It’s hard for me to recall at will things that happened during that time. They tend to flash by as sudden pop-ups at incongruous moments – like when I’m operating heavy machinery, or thinking about going to church – that sort of thing. But SM might be onto something. I’ll try to pay attention during the next visit. And I will say that my couch did look a lot like that.

    Liked by 1 person

    August 19, 2016 at 7:26 AM

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