Ham and Banana Hollandaise ~ Of Misplaced Druthers

The Professors were having yet another social get-together, the likes of which can range from tedious to interesting to (admittedly, with a little help) downright bizarre, and one simply attends just to see which it will be. Against their better judgment, the Professors asked Sister Madly if they could borrow a decanter- or something that could pass as such- and oh, could she pick up about half a dozen brown eggs on her way over?

Beaker Decanter

Sister Madly is nothing if not obliging, and went about her tasks with an uncommon cheer. When she arrived at the Professor’s house later that afternoon with decanter in hand, her cheer was bordering upon sinister.

That’s a beaker.

Actually, Professor, it’s an Erlenmeyer flask, in which Sister Madly usually keeps flowers.

You brought us your vase?!

No. She brought you a decanter. Only when it is holding flowers is it a vase.* That should be fairly obvious.

* The flowers that were in the vase were transferred to the teapot. And she did rinse out the beaker beforehand, so all the fuss was quite unnecessary.

But that was nothing compared to the moment she handed over the eggs.

You can’t make Scotch Eggs with Cadbury!

cadbury

How do you know, Professor? Have you ever tried?

Do you really expect us to believe that you didn’t understand what we meant?

Why, she hadn’t even thought of that! This sort of stunt has become so unapologetically routine that Sister Madly merely assumed that the Professors knew she was just being a little horror.

Not that she isn’t proud of the fact.

If I had my druthers…

What happened to them, Professor?

Naturally this question had less to do with what had become of these ‘druthers’ as it did with wanting to hear the Professor try to explain definition of the word. And oh, it was completely horrible for the Professor, but it amused Sister Madly to no end.

scotch egg

Perhaps you accidentally put your druthers out with the recycling. Or maybe they got caught in the lint trap while you were doing the laundry- that’s where Sister Madly tends to find missing socks. They say druthers are drawn to lint traps because of the static cling-

She didn‘t get very far in her conjecture before she was sent outside with a cider and a muffin. Sister Madly didn’t want a muffin. The thing had so many poppy seeds that, if one were to plant it, a row of fully stocked opium dens would bloom in its place.

So she impaled it on the nearest car antenna.

Now the Professors are usually reluctant to let Sister Madly out of their sight for long, in case she should sneak into a closet until nightfall and poison them in their sleep (like she would bother waiting until they were asleep.) The last time they were this negligent, Sister Madly decked the halls with so much mistletoe that one was never more than a few steps away from at kiss.

This time their negligence would result in something far less whimsical.

You see, Sister Madly had come across a truly horrifying recipe she had intended to make for her brother-in-law that weekend, and had picked up the ingredients along with the eggs. But why waste a ghastly recipe on someone who will only smile politely at the result before ordering a pizza when she can make it now and send the Professors into months of intensive therapy?

The making of this concoction was terribly easy- so easy, in fact, that Sister Madly was almost ashamed. The Professors hardly gave her a second glance when she took her place in the corner of the kitchen, peeling bananas and wrapping them in ham. No doubt they thought this behavior was typical of one who had recently consumed a truckload of poppy seeds, and congratulated themselves for having Sister Madly properly sedated.

When she asked the Professors if they had any Dijon, she was handed a bottle of Wasabai mustard, and when she asked for cream, she given a container of caramel-flavored coffee creamer. Sister Madly, being nothing if not obliging, didn’t say a word; after all, she could blame the poppy seeds, but the Professors- they could blame no one but themselves.

It wasn’t long before the wallpaper began to peel beneath the cloud of the most hateful funk.

What’s that smell?!

That would be your druthers, Professor: Prosciutto and Musa Fruit Hollandaise- or, in bologna and cheese speak, Ham and Banana Hollandaise Sauce-From-A-Packet.

Bon Appetit.

bananas holli

HAM AND BANANA HOLLANDAISE

  • 6 bananas
  • 1/4 c lemon juice
  • 6 thin slices ham
  • 3 Tbsp mustard
  • 2 packets hollandaise sauce mix
  • 1/4 c light cream
  • 1 cup water

BANANAS
Preheat oven to 400*
Peel bananas
Sprinkle Bananas w/2 Tbsp lemon juice to prevent darkening (does not work but do it anyway)
Spread ham with mustard
Wrap each banana in slice of ham
Arrange in single layer in baking dish
Bake for 10 minutes

SAUCE
Combine sauce mix with water, 1 Tbsp lemon juice, and cream in a saucepan
Bring to a boil, stirring constantly
Pour sauce over baked bananas
Return bananas to oven
Bake until wallpaper peels from the walls and the linoleum warps, approx 5 minutes

THEME SONG: Yes, We Have No Bananas

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34 responses

  1. John Thursday

    Fairly certain that recipe should be illegal.

    Also. Was expecting a Primus theme song…at least you didn’t mention the chimpanzee.

    Liked by 1 person

    February 25, 2016 at 5:47 AM

    • I believe local government agencies are working on banning the recipe as we speak. The air quality has not been the same since the party.

      Primus is probably more appropriate, although I can’t get the current theme song out of my head…

      Liked by 1 person

      February 25, 2016 at 11:16 AM

  2. Ha! Now that is truly revolting. I suppose I shouldn’t criticize, I have eaten peanut butter and onion sandwiches, but if I had my druthers I would avoid the bananas smothered in hollandaise. The presentation however, is fabulous. It’s a very pretty dish.

    I’m not sure why people are always losing their druthers? I manage to find my rather quickly when it comes to things like liverwurst or spaghetti made with canned tuna.

    Liked by 1 person

    February 25, 2016 at 5:49 AM

    • PB and onion? I don’t think I would have ever considered that combo- especially since I would have to cut the onion, and I’d feel silly weeping over a sandwich.

      And… spaghetti with canned tuna? I think I’d be losing more than my druthers over a dish like that!

      Liked by 1 person

      February 25, 2016 at 11:22 AM

      • i liked the skewered muffin on the car antenna, and thought to add:

        when i was in middull skool we’d have pickles-&-ice-cream.

        Liked by 1 person

        March 4, 2016 at 1:29 PM

        • But what flavor of ice cream?

          Liked by 1 person

          March 4, 2016 at 4:53 PM

        • we were in middull skool! ANY flavour !
          however, I think we would have eschewed (i.e., NO teeth) albatross flavour …

          Liked by 1 person

          March 4, 2016 at 6:09 PM

        • Ah yes- the age when children are growing, thus do not care (well, much) about what it is they are eating.

          Albatross flavored ice cream, however- if properly melted down, it might make for a fine gravy! Of course as children, we would not know that…

          Like

          March 4, 2016 at 6:59 PM

  3. Oh, sister Madly ..I wish you were my neighbor….I think you would be quite a fun person to know…..I will try not to get on your bad side however, as I do not wish to be poisoned asleep or otherwise….. 🙂

    I Laughed out loud at the Muffin/ opium den joke….I really did… (people are looking at me strangely in my office now)

    Loved this piece ….

    PS I really think all these little wanderings and adventures could be put into book form… I would certainly read it…sign me up…. Take my money please…!

    Thank you again for a great read…. btw..I will not be tryin that recipe….some good bananas died in that recipe ….they were good men I will miss them all…

    Liked by 2 people

    February 25, 2016 at 5:52 AM

    • Oh, you need not worry- I do not poison my neighbors. I have associates for that!

      A book you say… a cookbook… };~>

      Liked by 2 people

      February 25, 2016 at 11:34 AM

      • Hmm…now that would be an interesting idea…. cook book but combination stories along with them …. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        February 25, 2016 at 1:18 PM

  4. Hello SM!! It has been a while since I heard your voice and was delighted to get this post of yours. Well worth the wait and I could picture every word you described the situation!! Hilarious as always! Have a pleasant weekend soon…😃

    Liked by 1 person

    February 25, 2016 at 6:41 AM

    • Thank you! Always good to hear from you.

      I hope you have a great weekend as well, filled with much more delectable recipes than the one featured here. ;c)

      Liked by 1 person

      February 25, 2016 at 11:24 AM

  5. locksley2010

    Scotch eggs! Nom, nom, nom! And I had no idea you could get Cadbury’s Creme Eggs in the US, that was a nice surprise!
    And as for “… when she can make it now and send the Professors into months of intensive therapy?….” Meh, they had it coming. ;D

    Liked by 1 person

    February 25, 2016 at 9:09 AM

    • Oh yes, Cadbury eggs always show up in the month around Easter. Then they vanish until next year, leaving a disturbing void.

      I think that recipe induced a psychosis far beyond the reaches of therapy and Scotch eggs. There will be nightmares for years to come.

      Liked by 1 person

      February 25, 2016 at 11:44 AM

      • locksley2010

        Same over here in the UK! There used to be a thing about ‘how do you eat yours?’
        Good work, Moppet!

        Liked by 1 person

        February 25, 2016 at 11:53 AM

        • Almost afraid to ask… how do you eat yours?

          Like

          February 25, 2016 at 12:00 PM

        • locksley2010

          Decapitation of the tip, then gulp the rest up whole. See, that wasn’t so bad. 🙂 Your turn.

          Liked by 1 person

          February 25, 2016 at 12:20 PM

        • For one horrifying moment there, I wasn’t sure- horrifying because that meant that the next time I encountered a CB egg, I wouldn’t know how to eat it, so I wouldn’t eat it, and my life would forever be filled with emptiness.

          But upon thinking it over, I believe I eat them the same way! More than 2 bites just gets messy.

          Liked by 1 person

          February 25, 2016 at 12:29 PM

        • locksley2010

          Worry not! Everyone has their own way, apparently. I have been known to eat them whole (don’t do it, it makes you feel oily if you do more than three).

          Liked by 1 person

          February 25, 2016 at 1:03 PM

        • Duly noted!

          Liked by 1 person

          February 25, 2016 at 1:42 PM

  6. <—– knows about druthers and scotch eggs and a Plowman's Lunch and a Plowman's demeanor with lack of dessert and an equally impractical lack of Drambuie.

    I'm reasonably certain Sister Madly wouldn't even wait for nightfall.

    Have you noticed it's a small step from SCOtch to SCOpe? I'm kind of bogged on how each is made. Maybe being green it was an Irish plot to make a better whisky that went poorly? Maybe that attempt was what the Professors wanted to recant?

    HAM AND BANANA HOLLANDAISE! People got a nerve dissin' Haggis!

    Liked by 1 person

    February 25, 2016 at 10:08 AM

    • You’re a druthers expert? Do tell.

      One thing can be said about Haggis- I don’t believe it becomes radioactive after 10 minutes in the oven.

      It’s true, that waiting until nightfall is unnecessary when one has stealth… oh, wait…

      Liked by 1 person

      February 25, 2016 at 11:56 AM

      • Wait? Okie then. I’ll just sit with a worm on my tongue but if I had my druthers.

        Liked by 1 person

        February 25, 2016 at 12:00 PM

        • A worm on your tongue… that tends to happen when one eats Haggis.

          You druthers went that way —–>

          … then that way <——

          … then they fell down the rabbit hole…

          A pity, really.

          Liked by 1 person

          February 25, 2016 at 12:06 PM

        • Daft things should of gone ^ that way
          !
          !

          Well now I feel doubly silly, druthers didn’t go where they should have and the bait only caught Haggis. Wouldn’t you know it, I got the small leg.

          Liked by 1 person

          February 25, 2016 at 12:14 PM

        • Is that the leg with bells on it?

          Liked by 1 person

          February 25, 2016 at 12:21 PM

        • Yesm it is. Dinner music of the Angels.

          Liked by 1 person

          February 25, 2016 at 12:24 PM

  7. That sounds so revolting it is positively fascinating. My only reservation in trying it myself is that it would be a waste of otherwise good (separate) food! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    February 29, 2016 at 8:09 AM

    • There is something strangely fascinating about the recipe, much like how a burning building is strangely fascinating. Just don’t get too close to it! ;c)

      Liked by 1 person

      February 29, 2016 at 10:57 AM

  8. Weirdly, this is very similar to a recipe I ate quite regularly as a child, and loved! My Grandparents lived for a time in what was the Belgian Congo (possibly the worst example of european collinisation ever) now the DRC, and I’m fairly sure my mother’s recipe came from this time. Rather than hollandaise, the ham wrapped bananas were smothered in a bechemal sauce flavoured with a little mustard and mild curry powder and topped with cheese. I have only tried to replicate it once…it didn’t go down well. I guess it’s one of those things you have to grow up with to appreciate!

    Liked by 1 person

    March 4, 2016 at 2:05 PM

    • I believe that a curried bechemal sauce- and cheese!- would be a great improvement over hollandaise sauce mix from a packet (a powdered mix, essentially, add water and a bit of cream.) Also, they most likely used real ham, other than a package of processed lunch meat.

      The Congo- wow! Bet they had some interesting stories! ;c)

      Like

      March 4, 2016 at 4:48 PM

  9. I don’t think I’ve ever been terrified by a recipe before. There’s a first time for everything.

    Liked by 1 person

    March 7, 2016 at 12:47 PM

    • I do hope that you do not have any nightmares tonight as a result. But there is a bright side- you didn’t actually eat it!

      Liked by 1 person

      March 7, 2016 at 3:23 PM

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