The IX of Dead Sticks

It began around 5 AM, when Sister Madly was awakened by this cryptic message:

“Err n and I want to ws ‘ll err I’m here to westv xxx and bj ask.”

Apparently, auto-correct couldn’t be bothered to interpret the Professors’ fantastic twaddle- that or, as Sister Madly suspected, just didn’t dare.

As it turned out, the Professors wanted to lay out itinerary for the day, consisting of a leisurely salad, followed by an advanced yoga class, after which they would be hitting up every Happy Hour between the studio and the drunk tank.

yoga 2

Yeah, Sister Madly doesn’t quite understand the logic behind the Professors, either. To begin with, Sister Madly does not do this thing called ‘salad’- in fact, the very sight of a leafy vegetable is enough to send her into fits. As for yoga- she has this thing called a spine, which is determined to prevent Sister Madly from bending herself into a pretzel.

Besides- yoga poses are for mountain tops.

But she’s totally down for the Happy Hour part.

As she was politely declining the salad and the yoga (i.e., Salad? Hello, have we met?!) there came a knock on her door, which she decided to confront while wrapped in her leopard-print bed sheet (not as sexy as it sounds.)

hazmat

There are few things more terrifying than finding a man in a HAZMAT suit at your door. This post-apocalyptic missionary’s message was regarding the upcoming window-replacement that afternoon, and how Sister Madly was to vacate the apartment for the duration due to something called ‘Lead Paint.’ Apparently, it is not the most nutritious substance to inhale.

Society is always warning us of the dangers of inhaling substances other than air- even water has gotten a bad rap. Surely these fears are greatly exaggerated!

leadpaintwarning

Take, for example, the first time Sister Madly tried cooking with wine: she got quite a buzz just standing over the skillet. Seriously, inhaling the steam was almost more fun than drinking the wine- almost. But she made it through the incident without much damage to body and soul, and ended up writing a very lovely email to a friend. What if it’s the same with Lead Paint? It could be the key to unlocking one’s creative genius! Yet Sister Madly will never find out; no, she’ll be whimpering through salads and sprawled out dead on a yoga mat while the HAZMAT Missionary returns home and paints some masterpiece worthy of Michelangelo.

After being shooed from her apartment, Sister Madly began the death march towards the Leisurely Salad- and was waylaid by a cackling crow, who pitched a dead bird at her from the tree branch overhead.

For heaven’s sake- what did Sister Madly ever do to you? Not only was this act deliberate, it was executed with force. And yet the incident wasn’t a total surprise, for she had recently come across a crow in the most peculiar way: having found a Tarot Deck in a free bin nearby, Sister Madly was naturally curious as to what this deck was all about.

And the first card she drew was The IX of Dead Sticks.

Wands-9

Ok, so ‘crow’ wasn’t the first creature
that came to mind…

It’s said that there are different methods of interpreting Tarot cards, one of these being intuitively. In retrospect, Sister Madly’s intuition had revealed that The IX of Dead Sticks meant that even though she would be flirting with a vegan lifestyle, the crows would not fooled by this pretense will pelt her with the corpses of their kin.

This is why The IX of Dead Sticks never turns up in horror stories: such a plot would only sell on the West Coast.

cookie

You know, Sister Madly, Leisurely Salads and Yoga are only in your future if you permit it. You are at liberty to change that future if it’s heading in a direction you don’t wish to go- maybe that’s what The XI of Dead Sticks is really trying to tell you.

And so Sister Madly informed the Professors that she will not be participating in the pre-Happy Hour Vegan Extravaganza; she’ll be eating dumplings and General’s Chicken* at the Chinese Restaurant, the one with the palm trees painted willy-nilly on the walls.

* With a fork, which caused the Professors to have a meltdown.

Fortunately, they do not know where that is.

The IX of Dead Sticks. Sister Madly is not fooled; she knows exactly who’s behind all this:

Dodo 4

THEME SONG: Black Crow, Peter Murphy’s Carver Combo

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20 responses

  1. I don’t know Moppet. Nine dead sticks could very be reference to a certain north western nine once again failing to have anything to crow about.

    Your disdain for all things batting is documented and only selling on the left coast. It would be completely of subliminal fantasy or fantastically symbolic to be pitching a certain variety of blue bird (that were born the same time as the north western nine) under the bus.

    Then again and I lean to this, comeuppance for even thinking fortune cookie!

    Liked by 2 people

    October 7, 2015 at 5:57 AM

    • Sister Madly

      I’d say your interpretation is as good as any. Perhaps next time, we’ll pick a more exciting card.

      That blue bird- just what is he up to?

      Liked by 1 person

      October 7, 2015 at 10:26 AM

      • Getting ready to beat the stuffin’ out of Texas to make dressing for our turkey dinners Monday. Mean birds we got here.

        Liked by 1 person

        October 7, 2015 at 11:01 AM

        • Sister Madly

          Cannibalistic birds, by the sounds of it!

          Liked by 1 person

          October 7, 2015 at 11:10 AM

        • <—– shudders & behaves

          Liked by 1 person

          October 7, 2015 at 11:19 AM

  2. Ha! Well said. There’s a lovely salad bar not far from me where you can build your own like a hot fudge sundae. By the time I am done, it would probably be healthier to just have some chili cheese fries and a bacon burger. They have several kinds of cheese and pasta…but it’s all salad, right?

    Crows, now that is another matter entirely. I can’t really help you there, I have my own issues with crows.

    Liked by 1 person

    October 7, 2015 at 6:26 AM

    • Sister Madly

      I believe one of the definitions of salad is a ‘dish of cold ingredients.’ In light of this rather broad interpretation, I can honestly say that I do like salads after all!

      I recall you sharing a tale of a crow trying to fly through your car window- what more proof do we need that they have world domination in mind?

      Liked by 1 person

      October 7, 2015 at 10:35 AM

  3. Lmao…….I effing loved this Post….I could not stop smiling from paragraph to paragraph… 🙂 …Thank you……

    I think I may like you……doesn’t happen often with me…this liking thing of people..

    Later Sister Madly

    PS Note to self …. must follow by all means this mad women..

    Liked by 1 person

    October 9, 2015 at 5:41 AM

    • Sister Madly

      Why, thank YOU! You do me an honor.

      And I have to say, I’ve enjoyed your poetry- I’ll be back! ;c)

      Liked by 1 person

      October 9, 2015 at 1:13 PM

  4. Salads are never to be approached at leisure. Best to be rid of them with all possible haste. ….and yoga, isn’t that something you eat too???, or is that yogurt. I get them confused sometimes. What ever happened to HAZMAT Man, or is that another story?
    Fun post, Sis. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    October 9, 2015 at 12:04 PM

    • Sister Madly

      The concept of the salad is alien enough- but who in their right mind would spend money on one when you can have the same experience nibbling the front lawn?

      After the HAZMAT Man ordered me out of the apartment, he replaced all the windows, then I assume went on to paint the Sistine Chapel.

      Like

      October 9, 2015 at 1:17 PM

  5. Salad like revenge is a dish best served up cold. Professors marketing subliminal messages in Tarot cards sounds like an agent of Renaissance illuminism… Beware the Hazmat Bird of Paradise: he’ll tickle you till you confess everything; then force you to eat salad for 3 minutes straight… 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    October 9, 2015 at 5:32 PM

    • Sister Madly

      I think you’ve just outline my worse nightmare! Counting on no sleep tonight… oh, who am I kidding?

      Those 3 minutes- those aren’t Treadmill Minutes, are they? – which, everybody knows, is the longest unit in which one measures time.

      Liked by 1 person

      October 9, 2015 at 5:45 PM

  6. You have madly outdone yourself sister! Ha ha loudly 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    October 10, 2015 at 5:34 AM

  7. Chewing on lead-paint windowsills is an activity best left to childhood, as we all know. So the HAZMAT shows up only just now? And a rain of dead crows? Yoga and a grassy knoll of salad ON THE SAME DAY? The IX Of Dead Sticks doesn’t go far enough. Sister M must consult the Malleus Maleficarum immediately.

    Liked by 1 person

    October 11, 2015 at 9:24 AM

    • Sister Madly

      Do you happen to have one of those handy?

      Liked by 1 person

      October 11, 2015 at 5:12 PM

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