When Zeus Invades Your Microwave

Two types of people laugh at the law: those that break it
and those that make it ~ Terry Pratchett

There are times when the normally angelic Sister Madly cannot help but turn maverick, shunning the law by ripping the tags off mattresses, and defiantly parking in the loading zone 3 minutes before 6 PM. This is no life for a coward, for one runs the risk of unpleasant consequences.

mattress tag

Take, for instance, last winter. The Professors were outside, doing whatever it is that Professors do out in the cold, when what appeared to be a Fireball was launched heroically out the kitchen window and into the night. Further investigation revealed this nuclear supernova to be a flaming bag of microwave popcorn.

Earlier that day, the Professors’ succumbed to a domestic desire to make a popcorn garland for the Xmas tree. After some discussion, it was decided that little harm could come of Sister Madly microwaving this popcorn while the Professors went outside to do whatever it is that Professors do out in the cold.

After a horrifying search through the pantry (Why are you stockpiling Spam, Professor? And not just any Spam, but Teriyaki!) Sister Madly came upon a package of ‘Organic’ Popcorn (You’ve got 12 cans of Teriyaki Spam, Professor- this healthy pretense isn’t fooling anybody.)

popcorn advice 2

It was here that Sister Madly made the fatal error that defeats a maverick every time: she read the directions.

Do NOT use popcorn button.

Well, son of a biscuit! The Popcorn was getting ideas above its station! Just when did it assume the authority to tell her what to do? The microwave sacrificed one square inch of personal space to provide the world with an easy, make-all-your-popcorn-dreams-come-true button, and Sister Madly was going to utilize it!

But this Popcorn was clearly in the pay of her enemies, refusing to pop into its glorious destiny of faux-buttery goodness like a stubborn teenager. It knew that Sister Madly had implemented the Popcorn Button, disapproved of her doing so, and proceeded with the admonishment to NOT Reheat.

popcorn microwave

Why must you pretend to be wiser than the rest of the world, Great Popcorn? Soon you’ll be re-writing the moral codes in every Batman comic, declaring yourself Chancellor of a vague yet menacing government agency, and telling Sister Madly how to do her hair.

But a tyrant is only as powerful as the people who support him, so know this, impertinent Bag of Popcorn: Sister Madly will be reheating you with the same one-push button that she was advised against using- and without the slightest hint of remorse.

Little did she know that she was flaunting her feathered boa in the face of the Grim Reaper.

You see, in reheating the Popcorn, Sister Madly discovered something that could not be realized in any other manner: Popcorn is a magickal life form capable of committing both genesis and genocide simultaneously, popping itself into an edible sustenance even as it bursts into flames.

fire

Apparently, reheating Popcorn is the fastest way to summon Zeus, and Sister Madly missed the What to Do When Zeus Invades Your Microwave 101 lecture down at the Learning Annex (she overslept.) As the Professors left no brochures regarding this subject on the kitchen table, Sister Madly merely hoped that if she just ignored the fire, it would go away.

Turns out, fires don’t just go away, nor do they negotiate. But they can make Popcorn smell funky- and upon discovering just how funky that scent is, Sister Madly flung the smoldering Bag out the window and at the feet of the Professors, who were doing whatever it is that Professors do out in the cold.

Woe betide he, Professor, who heeds not the counsel of the Popcorn.

popcorn directions

THEME SONG: Who By Fire, Leonard Cohen

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15 responses

  1. How terribly wanton of you to miss a Productivity Breakfast. For Shame Ms Madly and tsk tsk tsk too!

    As a point of information and while I was not empowered to bring charges, I did work for the Teddy Bear police. Some people refer to them as the regulators of upholstered and stuffed articles.

    True, the place where I was an exceptional employee is not within the jurisdiction that you abide. Please note there is that annual picnic in the woods and there is plotting, errrrr information exchange on offenders tearing tags as it is an international problem reaching epidemic proportions.

    And everybody (well almost everybody) knows microwave popcorn is never timed for popping but left to your sense of hearing and smell.

    On the other hand, a flaming bag of crap tossed at the feet of the professors makes a wonderful statement. This falls in to the category that I call, “screwing up right”.

    As always Ms Moppet, as Luci is at my service, I am at yours.

    Liked by 1 person

    September 25, 2015 at 6:14 AM

    • Sister Madly

      Productivity Breakfast? Is THAT what the Professors were doing out in the cold?

      I’ve ripped the tags off stuffed animals, too. And sometimes, I don’t throw those tags in the recycling- they go straight into the garbage.

      Tags are evil. They must be stopped.

      Liked by 1 person

      September 25, 2015 at 8:59 AM

      • Say sweetheart, you got the Gats to stop the Tags?

        <—– In his best Bogie voice

        Liked by 1 person

        September 25, 2015 at 9:36 AM

        • Sister Madly

          Not anymore. I buried it with the bodies … I buried it.

          Liked by 1 person

          September 25, 2015 at 10:18 AM

        • 😉 good girl

          Liked by 1 person

          September 25, 2015 at 10:21 AM

  2. Sounds like you had quite an adventure 😉 I could picture the flaming bag of popcorn being flung 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    September 25, 2015 at 9:51 AM

    • Sister Madly

      I’m beginning to think that it wasn’t a comet that killed off the dinosaurs, but some lesser god who didn’t heed the popcorn’s instructions!

      Like

      September 25, 2015 at 10:20 AM

  3. This is a ripper of a post. Hilarious! Love your style of writing.

    Liked by 1 person

    September 25, 2015 at 1:58 PM

    • Sister Madly

      Thank you kindly!!

      Liked by 1 person

      September 25, 2015 at 3:19 PM

  4. Hilarious! I loved this throughout. I like your style. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    October 2, 2015 at 12:26 AM

  5. Teriyaki Spam? There’s a market (outside the Professor) for this product? The flaming bag of popcorn I can understand. And congratulations on throwing it out the window as dropping it into the garbage bin only sets the plastic bag ablaze causing a much more spectacular inferno. This makes normally very patient and understanding spouses channel whomever it is that comes up with all the best curses.
    But really. Teriyaki Spam.

    Liked by 1 person

    October 3, 2016 at 4:18 AM

    • I think those in the market for Teriyaki Spam are the Doomsday Preppers who are determined to make the apocalypse as miserable as possible.

      It’s good for patient and understanding spouses to have a little excitement in their lives now and then- how else will they expand their vocabulary?

      Liked by 1 person

      October 3, 2016 at 11:20 AM

      • It’s possible that Teriyaki Spam may be the only thing, aside from eventual decay, that stops zombies. I may have to put a few cans in my basement just in case.
        There’s only one problem. I have no idea where one would find Teriyaki Spam without going to Amazon or perhaps a Walmart in south Japan but I can research my purchasing options.
        And understanding spouses just make you feel as if they were only biding their time until your next flaming screw up.

        Liked by 1 person

        October 3, 2016 at 11:23 AM

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