From Hell, with Love
The road to Hell is not paved with good intentions.
Unless Good Intentions is the riffraff the state uses to fill the potholes.
You see, Sister Madly has her moments of generosity, cheerfully obliging the appeals of her peers ranging from Knock it Off to Get Lost. In her lifetime, she’s knock so many things off of other things that one of those things must be the ‘it’ that was inferred, and has gotten lost so many times that she is running out of places that constitute as ‘lost.’
But there was one appeal that went largely ignored:
Go to Hell.
This one was not often requested of Sister Madly, but it has been known to follow her late-night victories over the Professors at darts- which, admittedly, is not very often: the Professors need to be drunk at the time, while Sister Madly needs to be sober, awake and actually playing darts for this to happen. Still, this perfect storm has been fashioned on occasion, and the least she could do was honor one of those requests.
Thanks to the music industry, getting there was a cinch.
Sources indicate that the concept of Hell (derived from Old English Hel; Helle) developed around 30 CE, but this is in error: Hell came about on October 13, 1841 when settler George Reeves was asked what he thought the town should be named. The moonshine-loving Mr. Reeves graciously replied with “You can name it Hell for all I care!”
Sister Madly wasn’t certain what she’d find along the Road to Perdition, but according to most religions she would encounter the damned (political candidates) lost souls (telemarketers) eternal punishment (asparagus) and of course, fallen angels (Canadian Geese).
She would later find out she was right about the Geese.
As for the terrain, literature has promised her anything from a Lake of Ice to a Lake of Fire; instead, Sister Madly found a roadside attraction that was unapologetically kitschy! The main stretch is a little more than a dirt lot between two buildings (the County Store/Post Office and the Gift Shop/Ice Cream Parlor) with the Dam Site Inn a little further on down the Road Paved with Good Intentions- somewhere around the 5th major pothole.
It is here in Hell that the position of Mayor is retained only for a day. Sister Madly briefly considered this second honor for one of the Professors, but when she realized that they would not be amused, the urge became almost irresistible- almost. You see, Sister Madly has employed the Get Lost request on occasion, and while the Professors have yet to do so, their sense of humor once strolled off into the darkness one moonless night, and has yet to return.
And one’s duties as the Mayor of Hell begins at 5 AM.
Yes, it was all too tempting…
For those of you who may find themselves wandering through the Abyss, allow Sister Madly to provide you with a few fun facts:
– Hell does, in fact, freeze over
– It does break loose, as it did on June 6, 2006
– Round trip from Hell, MI in the Lower peninsula to Paradise, MI in the Upper is 666 miles (from the edge of one town to the other, utilizing shortcuts, private roads, trespassing and quite possibly, teleporting)
– The Post Office is more than willing to set fire to your mail
– Took several years to build a Miniature Golf course
– Mini Golf is now complete, but never seems to be open
– Painted a picnic table to entertain you while you wonder why the Mini Golf is never open
– There are Canadian Geese
And while you are sitting there wondering why the Mini Golf is never open, some mysterious stranger- who looks a bit like a werewolf in mid-transition- just might hand you a little card that reads:
And the Lord saith unto John: “Come forth, and ye shall receive eternal life.”
But John came in fifth, and won a toaster.
THEME SONG: Highway to Hell, AC/DC
All Images from Tumblr except:
5) verpics.com
6) getty images
We find the foreshadowing quite delicious, Dear Sister….
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September 3, 2015 at 7:04 AM
I see no foreshadowing here…
Or was that you I saw consorting with the Canadian Geese?
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September 3, 2015 at 1:33 PM
Thank you Ms Madly. It is always appreciated when one of your stature pontificates on where to go and how to get there!
I understand women scorned got nothing on a Moppet called to “Hellacious” duty at 5:00 am!
I’ll have you know until a week before Thanksgiving, (2nd Monday in October) our Geese amuse themselves cavorting around Neptune. That would be Neptune, Saskatchewan. The geese take great delight in honking at lost Watermelon Heads.
I also suggest that should one of them besotted professors whom may have been imported in from north of the 49th ask you if you’d like a Canadian Goose, you decline.
Lucky John! Not just your ordinary toaster but a selfie toaster!
Now if you should need to get to a place that is best by a dam site, I can tell you where to go.
Hey you know me, I do what I can. 🙂
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September 3, 2015 at 8:07 AM
I would not have known how to get there without aid of the music industry- or ultimately, Luci. Without Luci, not only would there not have been a music industry to tell me how to get there, there would have been no ‘there’ to get to.
Geese from Neptune- that sounds about right!
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September 3, 2015 at 1:38 PM
Ahhhhhhhhh that Luci, he’s a good one. He does need to learn the difference between pawns and prawns.
And that adventure Luci had in Georgia is playing as I write.
There is a subversive sect of Geese that like nothing better than to leave deposits on the greens of golf courses. Luci said he didn’t do it with a finger to his nose. This makes me consider that with your previous golf history…….
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September 3, 2015 at 1:52 PM
Golf is just plain evil. It does not need the help of Luci- or the Geese- to be so.
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September 3, 2015 at 2:01 PM
<—– chortles
yesm
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September 3, 2015 at 2:17 PM
Very clever. Where do you come up with the stuff? Haha
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September 3, 2015 at 8:18 AM
Thank you!!
I thought it was high time to write about my own personal hell… which just happens to be a kitschy little town in Michigan. With an ice cream parlor. ;c)
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September 3, 2015 at 1:48 PM
Ever considered being a tour guide?
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September 6, 2015 at 12:31 AM
Through Hell? Hmm… I have been there often enough…
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September 6, 2015 at 12:39 PM
A great read as always SM! Bravo!! 🍻
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September 6, 2015 at 7:04 AM
Thank you!! ;c)
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September 6, 2015 at 12:41 PM
🙂
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September 7, 2015 at 6:07 AM
Sister Madly really makes learning fun.
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September 16, 2015 at 10:27 AM
In that case, class- what have we learned today?
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September 19, 2015 at 9:21 AM
Okay, I know this one. Don’t play darts against Sister Madly!
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September 21, 2015 at 11:45 AM
There’s wisdom in your words: Sister Madly’s aim is, unfortunately, rather random.
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September 22, 2015 at 2:04 PM
Oh my oh my !…I fear you would not like Empire , Michigan where the local asparagus festival is celebrated but I’m certain you would like the town of Climax , Michigan a little further up the road ….you are such a rare and wondrous delight and I love you madly ! You are so creatively stunning …..hugs and love , megxxx
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September 21, 2015 at 5:42 PM
Aw, thank you!! That really means a lot to me, especially coming from someone as talented and as magical as you!
I’ve been to Empire once, on an asparagus-free day… ;c)
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September 22, 2015 at 3:02 PM
It’s a serious pleasure to know you , madly ! …and a wonder that you have actually been to Empire ! with gratefulness and love for your beautiful presence
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September 23, 2015 at 9:48 AM
I’ve been to Hell and back a few times now and at different seasons of the year, and contrary to the belief of some, it does freeze over in the winter. Some people actually insist on living there. I’m not one of them. …….:)
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October 9, 2015 at 12:17 PM
If there are those who insist on living in Hell- especially in light of the fact that it DOES freeze over- then there MUST be some sort of excitement there… I wonder where they keep it.
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October 9, 2015 at 1:25 PM
In the basement with that vat of acid !!!!! Hahaha !!!
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October 10, 2015 at 9:08 AM
Ha! So THAT’S how they keep the soul count up in Perdition!
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October 10, 2015 at 9:59 AM