Star Gazing

Cultivate a sense of humor, they said.
From a humorous point of view, this lunch is rather good ~ Jerome K. Jerome

To most denizens of planet Earth, Star Gazing means just that: to gaze up at the stars.

To the Ex of her teenage years, however, Star Gazing was a coy little euphemism for old-fashioned making out. Sister Madly discovered that in the most startling way possible.

And to a select few across the pond, there is this little gem:

Sister Madly is torn: she can’t decide if this banquet of vegan nightmares is disgusting, disturbing, or just plain lazy. Look at it: one can almost taste the psychosis that went into its creation. Is this really what God intended?

It‘s not that she is unfamiliar with British cuisine; in fact, she’s had quite a bit of international fare in her lifetime, most of which she enjoyed – except for that steak and kidney concoction, which was basically an autopsy in a pie. But Stargazy? A delicacy of such unapologetic madness must be reserved for a special occasion.

And in no time, that occasion presented itself.

There was yet another party in the works, one with a British Theme, that the Professors not only planned in her absence but in which she was expected to participate. Worse yet was that they insisted that Sister Madly was present when these plans were made, and she could not talk them out of it.

For the record, Sister Madly was most certainly not present at the planning: never would she have agreed to a shindig whose sole purpose was to get sloshed under the Union Jack- an ironic theme, considering that the Professors’ home base is a British pub and they do just that every weekend. Apparently, the ultimate goal here is to get Sister Madly drunk over the next few days and keep her that way through the Fall. They’ve been trying to do that since December.

Well, two can play at that game, Professor, and Sister Madly has resources you would never have dreamt of. Let‘s see who can hold their liquor the longest when she shows up on your doorstep with a freshly baked Stargazy Pie and Blue Wonderland Mushroom Salad-

“What was that?”

Fiddlesticks, Sister Madly – you didn’t just say that aloud, did you? You need to become aware of the moments that you are speaking your thoughts! One of these days it’s going to backfire. Seriously- revenge is no good when the target knows what’s coming.

“I thought you said something.”

Oh, just like you thought Sister Madly was present when you planned this whole Let‘s-Get-Drunk-In-Merry-Ol’-England Party?

“You were there- quit pretending otherwise.”

Someday, Sister Madly, you’re going to admit that your friendship with these creatures is much like Stargazy Pie: oppressive, unnatural and stuffed with nightmares. You might want to get out before you end up as one of the fishys- which is sooner than you think.

For the record, Sister Madly has decided against making the pie for the Let‘s-Get-Drunk-In-Merry-Ol’-England Party. It occurred to her that making a treat for a party she is not attending is a waste of time. She will make it for her brother-in-law instead.*

*Sister Madly did attempt this recipe over the weekend: she just skipped a few ingredients {i.e., everything but the cider} and a few directions {i.e., all of them except consuming the cider.} It was a success.

STARGAZY PIE

• 2 Shortcrust Pastry/Ready Made Pie Crust
• 3-5 hard boiled eggs, chopped
• 3-5 mackerel or herring, cleaned and gutted w/head heartlessly in tact
• 6-8 rashers of streaky bacon, rind removed and chopped
• 1 onion, finely chopped (wear your goggles!)
• Mustard or horseradish, to taste
• Generous handful of fresh herbs, chopped (parsley, chives, basil, etc)
• Salt and pepper to taste
• 1/2 cup breadcrumbs (optional)
• Egg, beaten (for glazing)
• 6-pack of quality hard cider, divided (1/2 cup – OR – 4 oz. + remaining)
• Preferred Method of Payment
• Phone

Consume 1 cider – you’re going to need it
Line pie dish with 1 pastry/crust
Mix 3/4 herbs, breadcrumbs, 1/2 onion, and mustard/horseradish
Stuff the fishys w/herb mixture
Arrange fishys in pie dish w/heads pointing skyward
Scatter remaining onions, herbs, bacon, eggs, and disgust in between the fishys
Season w/salt, pepper, and sadness
Add 1/2 cup cider
Cover dish w/pastry, allowing the fishys’ heads to poke through
Slit pastry in center to allow steam to escape
Make sure fishys are all snuggly in the pie and glaze crust w/egg
Avoid looking into their bleak, sightless eyes
Bake @ 400* for 45-50 minutes
Consume other 5+ ciders

TO SERVE:

Allow pie to cool slightly
Scatter pie crust w/parsley
Bask in the glory of this psychotic delicacy
Dump pie in garbage
Locate Phone and Preferred Method of Payment
Order Chinese *

*Or any delivery-based Take Away. We do not drink and drive.

THEME SONG: I Am the Cosmos, This Mortal Coil

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IMAGES:

1) lovethispic.com
2) pinterest
3) yelp
5) pinterest