The Great Mystery of Teenage Boys

It was some years ago that an adolescent Sister Madly attended the youth group at a local church. Wednesday night ice breakers in this particular denomination ranged from TP-ing the pastor‘s house to passing a marshmallow around the room, using only the toothpicks clenched between their teeth. Perhaps it was that last one that inspired their youth leader to make certain they were all familiar with the Facts of Life.

homedepot

And in order to allow for brutally honest discussions, the boys were to be separated from the girls.

Now Sister Madly, along with the rest of the girls, already knew about the Facts of Life; what they really wanted to know was the secret workings of teenage boys from the viewpoint of teenage boys. They wanted to know what boys talked about when not in mixed company, other than their tendency to belch a little more enthusiastically than appreciated.

So what better way to accomplish this than with a secret recording?

Not only did Sister Madly have a tape recorder, she had a wicked deploy, simultaneously pushing record and play like a warrior queen. Someone else would have to supply the cassette, however, as Sister Madly used those to secretly record – heaven forbid – rock music off the radio and was in short supply. She was quite fond of power ballads at the time.

recorder

It didn’t take much stealth that night to find that the girls would be meeting in the church office while the boys met in the kitchen- which was so unfair, because the kitchen was notoriously stocked with a variety of treats. It was also unfortunate, as the most convenient place to hide a recorder of that size was on top of the refrigerator under a bag of candy – Dum Dums, come to think of it.*

*Who knew that this particular candy would one day figure so largely in her life?

The next 45 minutes were the longest any of the girls had ever endured. Sister Madly all but devoured the curtains waiting for the moment the tape recorder would give itself away upon reaching the end of the cassette. Fortunately, their apparent lack of cool was attributed to the girls reluctance to talk about the Facts of Life, as was the speed with which they made their getaway at the end of the hour, cramming into that rusty heap of a hatchback. Actually, that last one probably raised some questions…

And just what do teenage boys talk about when uninhibited by their coeds?

mitre

Why, they talk about the Pope’s Mitre, of course! Yes, Coming of Age boys will develop an unholy fascination for Papal Couture. Before long, they will be singing hymns and bathing in the baptistery while trippin’ out on communion wafers. If parents don’t talk to their children about the Pope’s Mitre, who will?

That would be Kevin, of all people: inexperienced at basically all that life had to offer, 22-year-old Kevin was the last person the girls wanted leading a frank discussion on the secret workings of boys. Sister Madly found the man, if he could be called such, as annoying as a smoke detector in hell.

But even worse was the fact that every word on that tape after the Great Mitre Debate turned out to be completely unintelligible, from Kevin’s incessant droning to the boys’ refusal to articulate. They might as well have been speaking with a mouthful of marbles. Sister Madly couldn’t have gained more insight on boys if she had spent the evening cooing at the moon.

addams fam thing

This indecipherable droning was interrupted by the sudden, soul-sucking cacophony of plastic, indicating that a disembodied hand was fingering its way into the bag of Dum Dums. It was a moment of major suspense for the girls, waiting for some indication that their crime had been discovered; the retrieval of the recorder and subsequent escape had been accomplished with ninja-like precision, with no one sticking around to find out if they were actually in trouble.

Their patience was soon rewarded, as a few moments later the refrigerator kicked on, serenading them with a 15 minute duet of appliance humming and plastic rattling- which, admittedly, was more entertaining than Kevin.

That is where the tape ended.

Based upon the evidence, Sister Madly was able to conclude that raging hormones of teenage boys lead to meaningful discussions about Vatican Fashion over fistfuls of Lollipop Treats.

And there you have it: the answer to the Great Mystery of Teenage Boys. So, so disappointing.

Now, who wants to talk about soybeans?

THEME SONG: Forever Young, Alphaville

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41 responses

  1. Ha! That’s hilarious. To this day I am trying to understand the secret workings of the teen age boy brain. I’ve been studying the same one for some 30 years now. It’s quite possible you are correct, there really is no mystery there beyond dum dums, the pope, and this strange compulsion to repeatedly open a fridge 😉

    Liked by 2 people

    May 28, 2015 at 6:09 AM

    • Sister Madly

      If that is all there is to boys, why was so necessary to separate them from us girls? We could’ve handled THAT kind of info!

      Liked by 2 people

      May 28, 2015 at 1:53 PM

  2. Ah uhm err Ms Moppet, today is that day I was laughing about and my weird friend contributed to. Fine fine day to make such a post.

    In a galaxy ago in lifetime far away I was a teenage boy. Papal Mitre discussions were only used when there was a fear of being over heard. There is a certain paranoia to being a teenage boy. Some of us even shed that paranoia.

    The truth is we generally talked about a specific Mathematical Practice.

    Dum Dums were not prevalent in my galaxy but Tootsie Pops and Tootsie Rolls were. And aren’t those good names for the making of something Freudian!

    Liked by 1 person

    May 28, 2015 at 6:16 AM

    • Sister Madly

      Are you saying that there were talking about Mitres because they KNEW they were being tape recorded? Why would they be so ashamed of us overhearing them speaking about Fractions?

      How close are you to shedding your paranoia? >:D

      Liked by 1 person

      May 28, 2015 at 2:01 PM

      • Wasn’t fractions. Paranoia is long long gone. A strange duality I embrace took its place.

        Liked by 1 person

        May 28, 2015 at 2:04 PM

        • Sister Madly

          It was the pythagorean theorem, wasn’t it?

          … and can you have duality without being a Gemini?

          Liked by 1 person

          May 28, 2015 at 2:12 PM

        • No to Pythagorean and yes to duality.

          Like

          May 28, 2015 at 2:20 PM

        • Sister Madly

          Annnnd the mystery continues! ;c)

          Liked by 1 person

          May 28, 2015 at 2:31 PM

        • Multiplication of course.

          Liked by 1 person

          May 28, 2015 at 2:45 PM

        • Sister Madly

          I was hoping it was geometry- using a simple volume equation to find out if you could stuff a couple of classmates inside of a locker.

          Or maybe that’s what girls think about.

          Liked by 1 person

          May 28, 2015 at 2:59 PM

        • Well we do know girls are interested in geometry by what they stuff.

          Liked by 1 person

          May 28, 2015 at 3:09 PM

  3. Well, thank you for enlightening us about teenaged boys conversations…;-) On the other hand, I remember well the cassette recorders…pushing play and record at the same time…also when playing back a song recorded from the radio, it was Fast Forward/Rewind over and over to get to the beginning of the song…Fun times…:)

    Liked by 1 person

    May 28, 2015 at 6:40 AM

    • Sister Madly

      And let’s not forget how important it was to always have a pencil handy in case the recorder tried to eat the tape!

      Like

      May 28, 2015 at 2:03 PM

  4. ~meredith

    😀 FOREVER YOUNG!

    Liked by 1 person

    May 29, 2015 at 6:49 AM

    • Sister Madly

      Yes! Many a roller skating party ended with that song. ;c)

      Liked by 1 person

      May 29, 2015 at 11:11 AM

  5. FYI– The Pope’s Mitre is still always a hot topics with me and the boys…Some 35+ yrs later. I just can’t get enough.

    Liked by 1 person

    May 29, 2015 at 9:21 AM

    • Sister Madly

      Do you have one of your own? One you wear late at night while writing poetry, or just hanging out with the boys?

      Liked by 1 person

      May 29, 2015 at 11:33 AM

      • I have two…One for writing poetry and one for hanging with the boys!

        Liked by 1 person

        May 29, 2015 at 1:03 PM

        • Sister Madly

          Bejewelled and bedazzled, I hope!

          Like

          May 29, 2015 at 1:27 PM

        • Would you expect any less? You’ve seen me in my Sunday attire. Nothing but the best for this holy roller.

          Liked by 1 person

          May 29, 2015 at 3:22 PM

  6. What about soybeans? They’ve got a good nutty taste and are downright near a necessary staple ~ but I prefer black eye peas!

    Liked by 1 person

    June 5, 2015 at 10:26 AM

    • Sister Madly

      Indeed! Soybeans ain’t got nothing on black eye peas! Nobody eats soybeans for luck!

      Like

      June 5, 2015 at 11:58 AM

  7. Come on, Sister M. Something new, please!!!! Your fans are dying (me too). So give in, give us what we crave… Give us the next Great Write!!! With much love and misses, yours truly, DJL

    Liked by 1 person

    June 5, 2015 at 1:00 PM

    • Sister Madly

      HA!! T’was saying to myself earlier (today in fact, and yes, aloud) ‘No one will notice if you skip a week or fourteen. Carte blanche, and all that jazz.’

      (Hm, speaking of jazz… wonder what’s playing…?)

      The Cat overheard, didn’t he? And repeated it! The lil’ tattle-tale! That feline has an appointment with the next steamroller I hijack!

      Tried to write something, but my brains just turned into hamster pellets. ;c( Didn’t think anyone would notice aside from myself.

      Liked by 1 person

      June 5, 2015 at 4:38 PM

      • I know the feeling. Been in quite a drought myself…And yes, The Cat blew you in. Sorry.

        Liked by 1 person

        June 5, 2015 at 6:02 PM

        • Sister Madly

          No need to apologize for the Cat… it seems that he has capabilities far beyond our understanding, the JERK…

          But I certainly appreciate your empathy when it comes to a creative drought ~ although, you seem to bear up quite well ;c)

          …also, I feel Le Chat has much more than the standard 9 Lives…

          Liked by 1 person

          June 5, 2015 at 8:09 PM

        • Perhaps a perk for guarding the Gates of Hell and Hades?

          Liked by 1 person

          June 6, 2015 at 5:29 AM

        • Sister Madly

          Hell has all the best perks!

          Liked by 1 person

          June 6, 2015 at 11:51 AM

        • Tell me about it. How can we get a job like that? Can we speak with the one in charge???

          Liked by 1 person

          June 6, 2015 at 2:39 PM

        • Sister Madly

          Will such a job require the selling of one’s soul? I’ve tried that before, but they just return it and demand a refund.

          And just how does one approach the Prince of Darkness?

          Liked by 1 person

          June 6, 2015 at 9:09 PM

        • They returned mine as well. “Too dark”, they say…It’s a little like a record company suing John Fogerty for sound too much like C.C.R. As far as the aproach…Port?

          Liked by 1 person

          June 7, 2015 at 5:23 AM

        • Sister Madly

          Port really is the answer to everything!

          Liked by 1 person

          June 7, 2015 at 1:07 PM

        • The sacred necture of the gods…and the devils

          Liked by 1 person

          June 7, 2015 at 1:19 PM

  8. I can report that our adolescent understanding of girls was also at the level of pope hats and candy. So we thought punching girls on the shoulder was pretty good foreplay. Some of us level up to giving y’all flowers; some of us just spend our time out in the garage where there are no mysteries – just easy stuff like grease, broken car parts, beer. Now that we have the intertubes and and informants such as SM, I feel like I may at last understand women. Thank you. And… I am not paranoid. Also, I just checked and there is no tape recorder on top of my fridge.

    Liked by 1 person

    June 7, 2015 at 10:18 AM

    • Sister Madly

      Hm. I was hoping the whole garage thing was that it housed a secret drinking club or something equally clandestine.

      And no, the tape recorder isn’t on top of the fridge; it’s under the couch.

      Or it was…

      Liked by 1 person

      June 7, 2015 at 1:15 PM

      • How would SM go about surveillance bugging a family of, you know… m—s?

        Liked by 1 person

        June 7, 2015 at 2:53 PM

        • Sister Madly

          Oh, I don’t think I’d bother. I’d just burn down the joint!

          To quote Steven Wright: If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

          Liked by 1 person

          June 7, 2015 at 3:49 PM

        • Seems harsh, and, well, mimest.

          Liked by 1 person

          June 7, 2015 at 6:27 PM

        • Sister Madly

          Harsh? Quite possibly- my gauge is often (and unfortunately) off-kilter.

          But they’re mimes- how does one even begin to understand these creatures? How does one try to bury the hatchet with someone who wants to do nothing but demonstrate how he is perpetually trapped within a box?

          Liked by 1 person

          June 7, 2015 at 9:18 PM

        • You know that I share your concerns. But to be fair, what if s/he really is perpetually trapped in a box that no one can see? I admit, though, that I’d rather they didn’t act like mimes in public.

          Liked by 1 person

          June 8, 2015 at 8:52 AM

        • Sister Madly

          I agree. Public miming should be outlawed.

          Liked by 1 person

          June 8, 2015 at 10:51 AM

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