Smoked Gouda and Chipotle Soup ~ A Most Industrious Slice of Cheese
…because no man wants to be a coward in front of a cheese ~ Terry Pratchett
Fact: a single slice of Provolone Cheese, when melted down, will not only stretch beyond the total length of your intestines, veins and every other creepy, coiled-up thing in your body, but will ensnare every passerby in its gelatinous web. Should you find yourself needing to climb out of a bottomless pit, a slice of melted Provolone is all that is required for your rescue because, on top of everything else, it does not break. Ever.
The day was bright when Sister Madly came face to face with this particular foe. Whatever delicacy she had been put in charge of making required the melting of some Provolone Cheese, which even the Professors believed that she could accomplish without supervision as they left her alone in the kitchen while they went out on the porch for a smoke.
Granted, Sister Madly rarely uses Provolone herself, finding it plain and unassuming (much like North Dakota) but she had no reason to believe that it had wicked intent (again, like North Dakota.) That is where she went wrong, for this was a most insidious and industrious slice of Provolone, flaunting its superior melting capabilities like a tattered boa and flinging its tentacles across the kitchen. She knew not what master the Provolone was serving- indeed, it must have a master, because why else would a Cheese behave this way?
While there are many facets to a Cheese’s personality, the line between its sanities is very fine, leaving one mistaking its pathological hostility for heartfelt reconciliation until, like Sister Madly, you find yourself hopelessly entangled in a Web of Provolone.
The Professors aren’t going to like this much, Sister Madly. Just how many hours did it take to clean the house? You should know- you were told about it at least 3 times that morning. Now there are more webs around the kitchen than in the entire Havisham Estate.
She began making the same mistakes with the Provolone as she once made with North Dakota: she tried to be its friend, she said it was beautiful- she even tried reasoning with the Cheese, but it was no use. Cheeses are notoriously unreasonable.
That’s when the Professors chose to come crashing into the kitchen, and once again Sister Madly found herself facing a predicament as difficult to explain as the one below:
… and you’re still not going to get
“Just how did you manage that?”
But the Professors weren’t looking at the Cheese Web; they were looking at the stove.
“It doesn’t ignite without a match. How did you light it?”
The implication of that statement was not lost upon Sister Madly: you see, it wasn’t that the Professors trusted her enough to melt the cheese without supervision; they merely thought she could do no harm since they had taken the matches with them, leaving her (seemingly) unable to light the stove.
How did she do this, Professor? Like most inhabitants of the 21st century: she turned the knobby-thing to the right, it went click, click, click before erupting into a glorious ring of blue- the only blue, by the way, that is allowed in the house.
This, of course, was followed by the usual experiment, with the Professors’ being unable to ignite the stove in this fashion even as Sister Madly was able to do so 3 times in succession, thus proving yet another useless skill to add to her repertoire. This could very-well be her calling: Sister Madly, Guardian of the City, the streetlights going dark as she passes beneath them while lugging the Professor’s stove, igniting the left burner and stopping crime with a Web of melted Provolone like some 3rd rate Spiderman.
The Melting Moppet.
Then again, if she acquires enough useless super-skills, she might be able to trade them in for something worthwhile, like invisibility, or sleeping through the night…
SMOKED GOUDA AND CHIPOTLE SOUP
- 1 onion, chopped
- 5 garlic cloves, minced
- 2-3 celery, chopped
- 8 oz mushrooms, sliced
- 2/3 c Marsala wine
- 2-3 carrots, chopped
- 1 c frozen peas
- 8 oz smoked gouda, shredded
- 4-6 c vegetable or chicken broth
- 3-5 chipotles in adobo, chopped
- 1 tsp adobo sauce
- 1 tbsp dry mustard
- 1 tsp basil
- 3/4 tsp salt (or to taste)
- 1/2 tsp thyme
- 1/2 tsp cumin
- 1/2 – 1 cup heavy cream
Sauté Onion and Garlic for 5 minutes
Add Mushrooms and Celery and Sauté for 5
Add Marsala wine, deglazing pan
Add spices and sauté for 30 secs
Add carrots, chipotles, adobo and broth
Bring to a boil
Reduce heat and simmer for 25 minutes
Add cream and peas
Simmer until vegetables are tender (approx 10 min)
Add Gouda, stirring frequently until melted.
THEME SONG: I Melt with You, Modern English