Diamonds Are Forever: A Necromance
Sister Madly just HAD to ask…
They were back at the Casino of the Mobile Slaughterer, where the Professors had plans to gamble and lush their way through another Friday night. Sister Madly, whose pick-pocketing expertise left her with nothing but a coupon to Sushi Express, was on the verge of boring herself to property destruction. Fortunately, she was able to avoid the seductive call of vandalism at the last minute by mixing the Professor’s ill-gotten Skittles with the M&M’s.
It was on this night of grand debauchery that Sister Madly made her way over to the Craps Table: a place where everyone looked beautiful, and where everyone was in love with each other- because everyone was thoroughly pickled.
There were the usual crowd in their slouch socks and fanny packs; but when it came to the EEE-O-11 set, the court was held by the High Queen of Glitz: a sparkly woman in feathers and glitter, flaunting her diamond ring in the true Hollywood fashion.
Sister Madly, of course, could never hope to achieve the status of slouch sock royalty, with her Medusa hair rebelling against society and her apathy threatening to fall asleep on the floor. So after Sparkles’ companion rolled something called ’Snakes Eyes’, the woman laughed outright.
“What’s that you’re drinking, honey-child? Is that gin?”
No. It is the tears of her enemies.
“You can‘t be drinking water on a night like this; it’s my anniversary!”
This exchange was accompanied by the majestic display of the yellow diamond (‘Canary, darling, canary…’) beneath the neon lights, an act so flamboyant it left Sister Madly with no other choice but to ask if the ring was a gift from her husband.
Really, Sister Madly- who else would be showering the woman with diamond rings on her anniversary? You may dream of tales of mischievous sprites and Maharajahs, but the Renaissance Faire is not only months, but miles away from here and holds no merit. Just how long have you lived on this planet anyway?*
*That would be Earth, for those of you who are wondering.
Then again, it might not have been such a silly question after all.
“This is my husband,” Sparkles said, “Leonard.”
Qu’est-ce que c’est?
“He always said that I had him wrapped around my finger.”
Do you mean to say that this ring, which Sister Madly- in her wide-eyed, child-like innocence- had assumed was from your husband…
“From my husband? Darling, this IS my husband!”
It would seem that amongst a host of other things that can be done with the remains of the dearly-departed, they can be turned into diamonds. Since it takes an estimated 1-3 billion years to create a diamond in the wild, Sister Madly assumed that some sort of revolutionary psycho-science accelerated the process, which undoubtedly would be unpleasant on one who wasn’t completely dearly-departed at the time. Sister Madly can say that, within an acceptable margin of error, she herself wouldn’t care for it much.
“Want to try him on? He always liked the ladies.”
Sister Madly can say that, within an acceptable margin of error, she wouldn’t care for that at all-
Oh, would you look at that, Sister Madly: you’ve got Leonard around your finger. Indeed, there is nothing like finding yourself thrust between a woman and her husband in a semi-posthumous relationship- and to think: a few hours ago, you hadn’t a care in the world.
Makes you think twice, doesn’t it, about that mortuary job that keeps popping up on Craigslist? Surely if you can handle wearing a stranger’s husband around your finger for a moment or two, it should be no problem driving the vehicle that retrieves the recently dearly-departed from the last known residence for ten cents more than minimum wage.
But even as she took a hot shower afterwards, Sister Madly couldn’t help but admit that such a job, one dealing with nothing but the recently dearly-departed, would somehow screw up her already questionable social skills.
THEME SONG: Ashes to Ashes, David Bowie