Diamonds Are Forever: A Necromance

Sister Madly just HAD to ask…

They were back at the Casino of the Mobile Slaughterer, where the Professors had plans to gamble and lush their way through another Friday night. Sister Madly, whose pick-pocketing expertise left her with nothing but a coupon to Sushi Express, was on the verge of boring herself to property destruction. Fortunately, she was able to avoid the seductive call of vandalism at the last minute by mixing the Professor’s ill-gotten Skittles with the M&M’s.

skttlesmms

It was on this night of grand debauchery that Sister Madly made her way over to the Craps Table: a place where everyone looked beautiful, and where everyone was in love with each other- because everyone was thoroughly pickled.

There were the usual crowd in their slouch socks and fanny packs; but when it came to the EEE-O-11 set, the court was held by the High Queen of Glitz: a sparkly woman in feathers and glitter, flaunting her diamond ring in the true Hollywood fashion.

Sister Madly, of course, could never hope to achieve the status of slouch sock royalty, with her Medusa hair rebelling against society and her apathy threatening to fall asleep on the floor. So after Sparkles’ companion rolled something called ’Snakes Eyes’, the woman laughed outright.

“What’s that you’re drinking, honey-child? Is that gin?”

monroe casino

No. It is the tears of her enemies.

“You can‘t be drinking water on a night like this; it’s my anniversary!”

This exchange was accompanied by the majestic display of the yellow diamond (‘Canary, darling, canary…’) beneath the neon lights, an act so flamboyant it left Sister Madly with no other choice but to ask if the ring was a gift from her husband.

Really, Sister Madly- who else would be showering the woman with diamond rings on her anniversary? You may dream of tales of mischievous sprites and Maharajahs, but the Renaissance Faire is not only months, but miles away from here and holds no merit. Just how long have you lived on this planet anyway?*

*That would be Earth, for those of you who are wondering.

Then again, it might not have been such a silly question after all.

“This is my husband,” Sparkles said, “Leonard.”

Qu’est-ce que c’est?

canary ring

“He always said that I had him wrapped around my finger.”

Do you mean to say that this ring, which Sister Madly- in her wide-eyed, child-like innocence- had assumed was from your husband…

“From my husband? Darling, this IS my husband!”

It would seem that amongst a host of other things that can be done with the remains of the dearly-departed, they can be turned into diamonds. Since it takes an estimated 1-3 billion years to create a diamond in the wild, Sister Madly assumed that some sort of revolutionary psycho-science accelerated the process, which undoubtedly would be unpleasant on one who wasn’t completely dearly-departed at the time. Sister Madly can say that, within an acceptable margin of error, she herself wouldn’t care for it much.

“Want to try him on? He always liked the ladies.”

Sister Madly can say that, within an acceptable margin of error, she wouldn’t care for that at all-

roulette

Oh, would you look at that, Sister Madly: you’ve got Leonard around your finger. Indeed, there is nothing like finding yourself thrust between a woman and her husband in a semi-posthumous relationship- and to think: a few hours ago, you hadn’t a care in the world.

Makes you think twice, doesn’t it, about that mortuary job that keeps popping up on Craigslist? Surely if you can handle wearing a stranger’s husband around your finger for a moment or two, it should be no problem driving the vehicle that retrieves the recently dearly-departed from the last known residence for ten cents more than minimum wage.

But even as she took a hot shower afterwards, Sister Madly couldn’t help but admit that such a job, one dealing with nothing but the recently dearly-departed, would somehow screw up her already questionable social skills.

THEME SONG: Ashes to Ashes, David Bowie

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23 responses

  1. So it was a synthetic diamond made from a human corpse? Hmmm..

    Like

    March 27, 2015 at 6:13 AM

    • Sister Madly

      Yes, from cremation ashes. I later looked it up online and there are, indeed, places that do this kind of thing.

      Like

      March 27, 2015 at 8:37 AM

  2. Fantastic. And rereading Mobile Slaughter made this a true gem. Pun intended. Also, do you think we should say in The french Quarter, or just close by? The Festival is approaching, and I have Thelonious blasting so loud that either my neighbor or the cops should be by momentarily. Thanks for the great laugh. You do it every time!

    Liked by 1 person

    March 27, 2015 at 9:57 AM

    • Sister Madly

      I say the French Quarter, since I’m bringing the cat along- best not to leave him unsupervised for any length of time. Cats get ideas, you know.

      Also, we might get free port this way, if we tell them it’s for the cat. People like feeding things to pets.

      I do hope the cops were kind…

      Liked by 1 person

      March 27, 2015 at 11:13 AM

      • I like your thoughts! However, the cat does seem to do well all by itself. But as long as we can all share the port, I think the Quarter would be dandy. As far as the blairing jazz… I got nothing. No neighbor screaming, no cops with questions and requests. A bummer. A real letdown. Blame it on the rainy day, I guess…

        Liked by 1 person

        March 27, 2015 at 11:34 AM

        • Sister Madly

          Any complaint about disturbing the peace with a Jazz record was probably not taken seriously.

          Unless it’s Kenny G. That call requires a SWAT team.

          Liked by 2 people

          March 27, 2015 at 12:10 PM

        • LOL! I wouldn’t even call that in. I’d just kill them myself.

          Liked by 1 person

          March 27, 2015 at 12:12 PM

        • Sister Madly

          And I’d help bury the bodies!

          Liked by 1 person

          March 27, 2015 at 12:13 PM

        • Hell, yeah! Now that’s a true friend:)

          Liked by 1 person

          March 27, 2015 at 1:01 PM

  3. Dennis understands your pain.

    Like

    March 28, 2015 at 3:26 AM

    • Sister Madly

      You’re a sport, Dennis.

      Liked by 1 person

      March 28, 2015 at 10:13 AM

      • Diamonds from coal in the head is still my department.

        Liked by 1 person

        March 29, 2015 at 3:16 AM

        • Sister Madly

          If you can generate diamonds merely by thinking them into existence, you could monopolize the jewelry industry!

          Liked by 1 person

          March 29, 2015 at 2:11 PM

        • Think what I could do if I ever achieve that long desired “3rd Stage Lensman” status!

          Liked by 1 person

          March 30, 2015 at 3:52 AM

        • Sister Madly

          Indeed- you just might put Ann Landers to shame!

          Liked by 1 person

          March 30, 2015 at 11:00 AM

  4. ROFL! You really are too funny. I’ve heard of such things as wearing your dearly departed on your finger. Ewww, just ewww. And here I thought I was strange! You’d be strange too, sharing the planet with some of these people 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    March 28, 2015 at 5:47 PM

    • Sister Madly

      And just what planet would that be? 😀

      Makes me wonder how many times a person ends up with a piece of coal instead…

      Liked by 1 person

      March 28, 2015 at 6:18 PM

  5. I just wonder if . . . . . . . No, but I won’t go there. Just a simple question – out of the seven days of the average week how many of them do you imagine as ordinary? Like for instance, When do you do dishes or dust the shelves?

    Liked by 1 person

    March 30, 2015 at 1:22 AM

    • Sister Madly

      Dusting and doing the dishes are extraordinary events in and of themselves around here…

      Most days are ordinary. However, trouble is easy enough to find if you have enough people looking for it. ;c)

      Liked by 1 person

      March 30, 2015 at 10:57 AM

  6. My apologies to Sister. There really is such a thing as slouch socks. I looked on the google, and there really is. I wonder if I have been wrong about other things?

    Liked by 1 person

    March 30, 2015 at 10:00 AM

    • Sister Madly

      It is always a melancholy moment when one realizes the error in denying the existence of slouch socks.

      Next will come the horror of such an existence… but one thing at a time.

      Liked by 2 people

      March 30, 2015 at 11:05 AM

  7. Reblogged this on hocuspocus13 and commented:
    jinxx ♣ xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    April 13, 2015 at 5:34 AM

    • Sister Madly

      Thank you!

      Like

      April 13, 2015 at 9:23 AM

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