The Teacher at the Bottom of the Drain

A story doesn’t have to change the world.

Which is good, because this one certainly will not.

bathtub skel

The other night, Sister Madly turned down an evening with the Professors, but for a good reason: she planned to spend the night in the tub with a glass of wine, mood lighting and music, and did not wish to be disturbed.

Yeah, Sister Madly- the rest of the planet wishes you weren’t disturbed, either. But that‘s no reason to hide a Romance.

Romance? You thought that she was speaking of romance?

Allow Sister Madly to dispel all of your starry-eyed notions: the lighting was a result of a burned out bulb that she’s too short to reach; the music? Lemon Jelly‘s Nice Weather for Ducks, irritating but too far away for her to do anything about. Indeed, she was in the tub- fully clothed and engaged in a battle of wills in an attempt to unclog the drain with something called a ‘Zip-It.’

But there was wine.

Now the Zip-It is merely razor wire disguised as a zip tie, whose diabolical origins can be traced to the Dark Ages. The term ‘Death by a Thousand Cuts’ is what inspired the design- even the package warned that she should wear her protective onion-chopping eyewear during the application of this device. Seriously, had the Inquisition employed the Zip-It, they could very-well have achieved a one world religion.

ZIPIT

After declaring a cease-fire, Sister Madly, now thoroughly battered and mangled, succumbed to the thoughts that typically run through the mind of the dying:

For heaven’s sake, Sister Madly, just how long have you had that bruise on the top of your foot? How does one even accomplished something of that magnitude unawares? Or is that even a bruise? Maybe it just ash- because you are always walking barefoot through some ash…

Fie Chicory– yeah, that’s a bruise.

007

Well, dear one, since you are now maimed thus confined eternally to the bathtub, would you care to explain to the faucet about Fie Chicory? You know it’s going to ask one day- you’ve seen enough Twilight Zones to know this to be true…

Speaking of the Twilight Zone, why do you suppose that you were unable to pull anything out of the drain? Either you are just really bad at this whole Zip-It thing, or there is something far more sinister at play- like North Dakota, or the Dodo, or Cthulhu…

Aw, man- she forgot all about the Great Old One. Not too long ago, Sister Madly removed the corkscrew from her wall and gave it back to Dicky J Loweman– with apologies- and now Cthulhu has escaped and sought refuge in her drain without the decency of eating her tacky neighbor (who is not Dicky J Loweman. For your FYI.)

cthulhu wall

Though a worthy device against all things fleshy human, the Zip-It was most likely no match for the Great Old One. So Sister Madly made her wine-infused way down to the dumpster in an attempt to find a hefty wire of some sort. She felt certain that the gods were smiling upon her when she found a coat hanger woven into the chain-link fence in an attempt to secure the fence to the pole. Security measures on a $2 budget.

Yes, the gods were, indeed, smiling; in fact, they were laughing their ever-loving eyeteeth all the way to that wretched little Pancake House across the street. Not only did the hanger not dredge up any hair, North Dakota or Cthulhu, it got snagged on the T-Bar at the bottom of her drain for the better part of the night.

Sister Madly is, by all accounts, a professional screwer-upper; do not try this at home.*

*At least, not at Sister Madly’s home.

After waving the white flag, Sister Madly figured that she might as well take her chances with the Fortune Cookie that she had forgotten about been preserving at the back of her cupboard for the better part of a year:

a-teacher-will-appear1

Sister Madly has no picture of the fortune.
So here’s the same quote, with a candle.

Sister Madly stopped up her bathtub that night. If there is a lesson to be learned at the bottom of the drain, Sister Madly is doing her best to see that it never happens.

POST’S THEME SONG: Nice Weather for Ducks, Lemon Jelly

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15 responses

  1. The cookie of fortune is correct Grasshopperette.

    I learned a long time ago in a lifetime far away to heed the telling of the semi sweetened Wonton wrapper.

    I no longer partake of that effusive edible, will not even pick one up, bad jube jube!

    Liked by 1 person

    February 12, 2015 at 5:39 AM

    • Sister Madly

      I should have learned that lesson back when I was Romancing the Mobile Slaughterer… but no. There are still dreams that one day, the cookie will deliver.

      I just hope it’s not this time- at least, not from the bottom of the drain.

      Liked by 1 person

      February 12, 2015 at 12:55 PM

  2. Matthew James

    I almost don’t know what to say about this story. I say “almost’ because I’ve always something to say.

    I’ve never been tortured by laughter before, so you were my first. I laughed until it was painful. Your story may not be world changing but you certainly changed my world today. I woke up in a funky mood, (hence the funk music playing in the background), a little pissed off because I didn’t wake with any inspiration to continue my quest to fuck with the, as I term them, passive people pleasers, in the world.

    Then I saw you posted something, which always causes me to jump for joy and, today, with the funk music playing in the background, dance around a little. As I sat down, after making a complete fool of myself yet, enjoying every moment of it, I read your post. Sister Madly to the rescue.

    Thank you, Sister Madly. For again taking a moment in your life and expressing in such a way that only you can do. I can’t describe you humor in words, which is a compliment (I know how you hate compliments so I’m indulging in the pleasure of returning the torture that you inflicted upon me through your grand and creative wit.)

    Now, back to finding that inspiration to fuck with passive people pleasers in the world.

    Liked by 1 person

    February 12, 2015 at 10:00 AM

    • Sister Madly

      In that case, I will be sending you the Zip It (the blood you will find on it is all my own.) This will aid you in pissing off all the passive people pleasers- should you survive the night in its presence, that is.

      Liked by 1 person

      February 12, 2015 at 12:48 PM

      • Matthew James

        Okay, that felt like a swift kick in my balls while catering to my own evil intentions.

        Maybe you didn’t intend it to be a swift kick in the balls, but I don’t like the idea of that Zip It having you blood on it. That pisses me off.

        Thank you, Sister Madly. This image, along with all the experiences with idiot people that occurred on my supposedly simple walk to the store to obtain some Yerba Matetea have got my passion boiling and the rage flowing through my veins. so as to write a nice, high quality rage against the passive people pleasers who, when they are armed with cars, are even bigger assholes than I am.

        So, now I can sit down with my nice cup of Yerba Mate tea and fill a blank page with my passion and rage at the stupidity of humankind.

        Thank you again, Sister Madly, For the added inspiration.

        Like

        February 12, 2015 at 1:28 PM

        • Sister Madly

          … you’re welcome?

          Liked by 2 people

          February 12, 2015 at 1:58 PM

        • Matthew James

          Ahhh, I feel so much better, now that I was able to write something for the day. Written and posted to reveal, in detail, who the idiotic passive people pleasers really are.

          Now it is time to turn off the Funk music and move on to some other type of music that matches my new and improved mood for the day.

          I still can’t remove the image of your blood on that damn Zip It.

          Liked by 1 person

          February 12, 2015 at 2:37 PM

  3. Is SM not concerned with the chilly little thought at the back of the lizard-brain regarding what she might possibly have stirred up with the coat hanger and that now most likely will emerge from the drain to seek slow and grisly revenge upon the one who disturbed its slumber? When was the last time you actually saw her?

    Liked by 1 person

    February 12, 2015 at 12:14 PM

    • Sister Madly

      That is the teacher she fears will emerge from her bathtub, when his lesson is all prepared.

      But she fears his homework assignment more.

      Liked by 2 people

      February 12, 2015 at 12:37 PM

      • Yes, I appreciate the “teacher appears” adage, too, but there are things far worse than teachers lurking at the bottoms of our drains. (clowns? mimes?) SM really needs to be more careful about the things she does after she has been drinking wine.

        Liked by 1 person

        February 12, 2015 at 12:49 PM

        • Sister Madly

          Or while drinking wine…

          And thank you, for putting the fear in me that what lurks down there is not Cthulhu, but a Cthulhu Mime.

          Liked by 1 person

          February 12, 2015 at 12:58 PM

        • Mimes! You never hear them coming…

          Liked by 1 person

          February 12, 2015 at 9:18 PM

      • Excellent

        Like

        February 12, 2015 at 2:22 PM

  4. Oh my sister madly ! Enchanting once more …love to you this Febuary and hugs xxx meg

    Liked by 1 person

    February 12, 2015 at 6:34 PM

    • Sister Madly

      Thank you! And the same to you as well!! ;c)

      Liked by 1 person

      February 12, 2015 at 7:24 PM

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