Nobody Expects the Proprietor’s Inquisition!

The beauty of living alone is never having to explain yourself- unless you rent, which means the possibility of having to explain yourself once a year during the landlord’s annual let’s-see-what-you’ve-done-to-the-obscenely-small-room-I-let-you-live-in-on-a-cash-basis inspection. And since the law requires 24-hour notice before entering a tenant’s apartment, one can prepare either by hiding the questionable artifacts or by simply moving out.

Sister Madly opted to just not be there when the curious landlord showed up.

This did not work.

And she thought the Professors were inquisitive:

~ So you think that picture is hung in an unusual place, O’ Curious Landlord? You can either agree that it’s artistic, or you can wonder what’s hiding behind it- but it’s not recommended.

~ Yes, Sister Madly purposely neglected to turn off the Motion-Activated Setting on her Dancing Roses Skull Planter. She thought the flowers popping out of the top of his head would entertain you even as the Funeral March soothed you. Also, she wasn’t planning on being home when you arrived.

~ Those beakers are for drinking- why? What do you think Sister Madly is up to?

~ Yes, that is a zebra-print shower cap covering the smoke detector. That is because the damn thing is wired into the wall, unable to be flung out the window when it detonates at the mere utterance of the word ‘cook.’

~ That machete in the corner? Sure, Sister Madly will tell you it’s for chopping rutabagas, but there’s more behind that whimsical smile than meets the eye. That sledgehammer she uses as a meat tenderizer? Perhaps you should be asking yourself about the kind of meat she is tenderizing. And seriously- nobody needs that many meat cleavers, no matter what they say.

~ As a matter of fact, that is an antique opium pipe. No, it’s not for smoking: this is a smoke-free building. Besides, Sister Madly knows better than to handle the thing without some sort of acetone in the vicinity.

~ Why yes, Sister Madly does have quite a few knives and swords- she may not be able to look directly at sharp, pointy objects, but she certainly knows how to use them. And we won’t be going into how the most recent Itsy-Bitsy, Buick-Sized spider met its end- those before him who either drowned or were poisoned by the Pine Forest Fresh Scented Bug Spray have no idea how good they had it. Let’s just say, he broke apart like mercury.

Sister Madly can’t help but think this inspection came on the recommendation of the individual who was not minding his own business out on the fire escape. He seemed rather disturbed by the sight of Sister Madly decked out in her onion-chopping/habanero-handling/chemical-applying eyewear, latex gloves, raincoat and humidity-induced Medusa hair. Safe to say that he won’t be breaking into her apartment anytime soon.

Especially not after the explanation of I’m having an old friend for dinner.*

*The truth behind this attire is much less sinister: Sister Madly was making a Necronomicon, and took the necessary precautions with its handling.

‘At home I can fear for my future,
But here I must fear for my life-
Last year I killed them with kindness,
This year I’m using a knife.’

POST’S THEME SONG: This Year I’m Using a Knife, Cat Hair Ensemble