Nobody Expects the Proprietor’s Inquisition!

The beauty of living alone is never having to explain yourself- unless you rent, which means the possibility of having to explain yourself once a year during the landlord’s annual let’s-see-what-you’ve-done-to-the-obscenely-small-room-I-let-you-live-in-on-a-cash-basis inspection. And since the law requires 24-hour notice before entering a tenant’s apartment, one can prepare either by hiding the questionable artifacts or by simply moving out.

Sister Madly opted to just not be there when the curious landlord showed up.

This did not work.

And she thought the Professors were inquisitive:

003

~ So you think that picture is hung in an unusual place, O’ Curious Landlord? You can either agree that it’s artistic, or you can wonder what’s hiding behind it- but it’s not recommended.

~ Yes, Sister Madly purposely neglected to turn off the Motion-Activated Setting on her Dancing Roses Skull Planter. She thought the flowers popping out of the top of his head would entertain you even as the Funeral March soothed you. Also, she wasn’t planning on being home when you arrived.

~ Those beakers are for drinking- why? What do you think Sister Madly is up to?

~ Yes, that is a zebra-print shower cap covering the smoke detector. That is because the damn thing is wired into the wall, unable to be flung out the window when it detonates at the mere utterance of the word ‘cook.’

~ That machete in the corner? Sure, Sister Madly will tell you it’s for chopping rutabagas, but there’s more behind that whimsical smile than meets the eye. That sledgehammer she uses as a meat tenderizer? Perhaps you should be asking yourself about the kind of meat she is tenderizing. And seriously- nobody needs that many meat cleavers, no matter what they say.

opipe

~ As a matter of fact, that is an antique opium pipe. No, it’s not for smoking: this is a smoke-free building. Besides, Sister Madly knows better than to handle the thing without some sort of acetone in the vicinity.

~ Why yes, Sister Madly does have quite a few knives and swords- she may not be able to look directly at sharp, pointy objects, but she certainly knows how to use them. And we won’t be going into how the most recent Itsy-Bitsy, Buick-Sized spider met its end- those before him who either drowned or were poisoned by the Pine Forest Fresh Scented Bug Spray have no idea how good they had it. Let’s just say, he broke apart like mercury.

onion goggles

Sister Madly can’t help but think this inspection came on the recommendation of the individual who was not minding his own business out on the fire escape. He seemed rather disturbed by the sight of Sister Madly decked out in her onion-chopping/habanero-handling/chemical-applying eyewear, latex gloves, raincoat and humidity-induced Medusa hair. Safe to say that he won’t be breaking into her apartment anytime soon.

Especially not after the explanation of I’m having an old friend for dinner.*

*The truth behind this attire is much less sinister: Sister Madly was making a Necronomicon, and took the necessary precautions with its handling.

‘At home I can fear for my future,
But here I must fear for my life-
Last year I killed them with kindness,
This year I’m using a knife.’

POST’S THEME SONG: This Year I’m Using a Knife, Cat Hair Ensemble

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38 responses

  1. This is so hilarious and I hope the landlord renewed your lease without increasing rent! Just let landlord know that rentals gone south, ailing economy blah blah…if all else fails 🙂

    Like

    July 18, 2014 at 12:32 AM

    • Sister Madly

      Ha! 😀 Yes, all went well- thank you!

      Like

      July 18, 2014 at 9:44 AM

      • Excellent! 😀
        Enjoy your weekend and keep churning out fun stuff Sister Madly! Keep me laughing 🙂

        Like

        July 18, 2014 at 9:47 AM

        • Sister Madly

          Thank-you!
          Life is what churns out the ‘fun’ stuff- I’m just along for the ride, like it or not. 😉

          Like

          July 18, 2014 at 11:28 PM

        • I cannot agree more! Hear! Hear! 🙂

          Like

          July 19, 2014 at 1:06 AM

  2. I would love it if your invited me to dinner but only if you serve the meat pie on a bed of ravenously deliciously black feathers with a cherry red pinot noir! -sweeney todd aka titus andronicus! 🙂

    Like

    July 18, 2014 at 10:09 AM

    • Sister Madly

      I’m not sure where to obtain the black feathers… but if you’re not too picky on what kind of meat is in this ‘meat pie,’ then I’m game!

      Like

      July 18, 2014 at 11:31 PM

      • did u not get the twisted humor! the meat pies in titus & sweeney were human meat pies, not black bird pies!

        Like

        July 19, 2014 at 1:47 AM

        • Sister Madly

          Oh, yes, I understood- perhaps it was more inside humor to myself when I replied, as I was recently noticing that my neighbors haven’t been around lately. The ‘meat’ seems to be in limited supply!

          Like

          July 19, 2014 at 10:20 AM

        • lol! god! i adore your sense of humour! ❤ u! marc

          Like

          July 19, 2014 at 11:52 AM

        • Sister Madly

          😉

          Like

          July 19, 2014 at 4:08 PM

      • what find of ‘game’ are you: a wilde thing, free-range or a bird in gilded cage? we prefer woman who run not from but with wolves! 🙂 in what part of the kosmos is ur kitchen kooking?

        Like

        July 19, 2014 at 8:04 AM

        • Sister Madly

          Throw me to the wolves- I’ll only return, leading the pack!

          Liked by 1 person

          July 19, 2014 at 10:22 AM

        • i bet! sister madly, a white wolfe is madly smitten by your charm & wit! 🙂

          Like

          July 19, 2014 at 11:54 AM

        • where r u? a dafreewhitewolfe is lacking ur kitchen! did u throw my herbs & spices off your cauldron shelf! lacking u wr r! white wolves r always luving uppicked lantry grapes!

          Like

          July 24, 2014 at 4:07 PM

        • Sister Madly

          I haven’t gone far- kitchen experiments have been failures, and if you recall the ‘meat’ shortage around here… but I’m still singing in the moonlight!

          Like

          July 24, 2014 at 7:14 PM

        • u r so gorgeous…how about a flexiterian pie in my eye! bisou!

          Like

          July 25, 2014 at 1:01 PM

        • …missing u! we can become flexitarians as long as sondheim keeps us cooking! <3i

          Like

          July 25, 2014 at 5:23 PM

        • Sister Madly

          Flexitarian it is, then- at least, for now.
          Perhaps I’ll take on the woodland creatures this weekend. I wonder what peacock tastes like…

          Like

          July 25, 2014 at 6:16 PM

        • i wonder what your lips taste like stained by sondheim who got there before me?

          Like

          July 25, 2014 at 6:20 PM

        • Sister Madly

          They taste like Sondheim. He was delicious!

          Liked by 1 person

          July 25, 2014 at 6:33 PM

        • luv ur wicked wit! tastes better than sondheim meat-pie!

          Like

          July 25, 2014 at 6:22 PM

        • i wonder what lady madly tastes like?

          Like

          July 25, 2014 at 6:37 PM

        • Sister Madly

          I once knew a cat who could tell you- I knew several cats who could tell you, but they aren’t around anymore… 😈

          Like

          July 25, 2014 at 6:49 PM

        • so keep the burners in ur kitchen cookin, ❤ u madly

          Like

          July 25, 2014 at 6:54 PM

        • Sister Madly

          😉

          Like

          July 25, 2014 at 7:02 PM

        • moi aussi! bisou ma bellr etoile!

          Liked by 1 person

          July 25, 2014 at 7:03 PM

        • until at least the next glasd, i promise to luv u 4evrer!

          Liked by 1 person

          July 25, 2014 at 7:09 PM

        • definitely gold curry 4 a foundation!

          Liked by 1 person

          July 25, 2014 at 6:39 PM

  3. I’m sure the landlord was too fearful NOT to renew the lease!

    Like

    July 18, 2014 at 12:33 PM

    • Sister Madly

      And that was without trying!
      But you bring about a good point- perhaps next year, I will put some effort into the Inspection Experience, so he doesn’t dare terminate my lease. Oh, but this could be fun! Thank you!

      Liked by 1 person

      July 18, 2014 at 11:35 PM

  4. That was too cute! I remember an inspection once and, being completely neurotic and obsessive compulsive, the place was spotless, all evidence of misdoings hidden away. Everything was going fine until my children, actually my husband’s children that I birthed, started singing, “Lizzie Borden took an axe…”

    Like

    July 21, 2014 at 6:26 PM

    • Sister Madly

      Ha! Love it! I’ll make a note to do that next year.

      Like

      July 21, 2014 at 8:56 PM

  5. elmediat

    You could always remind him that in the end we all become very grave landlords . ;D

    Delightful post.

    Like

    September 1, 2014 at 8:44 AM

    • Sister Madly

      I will have to write that down for next year! Thank You 😉

      Like

      September 1, 2014 at 11:57 AM

  6. No singing, at the moment, just listening to the music of others………………

    😉

    Like

    September 24, 2014 at 12:58 PM

    • Sister Madly

      There’s wisdom in those words… 😀

      Like

      September 24, 2014 at 1:18 PM

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