Six Solid Hours of Horrified Fun
You may wonder why Sister Madly goes along with the Professors and their bright ideas when it always seem to backfire.
You see, Sister Madly doesn’t make the same mistake twice; she makes it several times, just to be sure.
It’s a surprise, they said. It’ll be fun, they said.
And maybe this time, it would have been- had Sister Madly not brought the salad dressing along.
The thing about 3 AM Rationale is that when it occurs, you are usually alone. Should it happen to bleed into your morning routine, it takes place in the privacy of your own home. No one has to know that the shadows on your walls were unmistakably Vincent Price, or that there was a pixie living in your toaster. However, should it go so far as to persuade you to bring the salad dressing along instead of your water bottle, no one can help you there.
It wouldn’t have been so bad had Sister Madly made the discovery herself. There were various trash receptacles along the way to remedy this situation, which very well could have led to a pleasant and enjoyable afternoon. No one would have been the wiser. But no.
Even worse than Sister Madly’s complete oblivion to her salad dressing companion was the fact that, when asked about it, she had no sassy comeback. Sassy comebacks are just not available before 11 AM- or later, should the circumstances dictate (i.e., lying in bed until all hours, unable to stop thinking about the beauty that is the Lite Brite, or staring at the ceiling while the theme from Mystery Science Theater 3000 plays on endlessly in the mind.) Sometimes these things happen, even to the best of us.
Besides, who willingly and without reservation gets up at 8 AM for fun? Sister Madly, herself, had to go to extreme measures to ensure she was out of bed on time- as you can plainly see. —> —>
This particular fun turned out to be an experiment of nearly inhumane proportions, which consisted of locking Sister Madly in a cage while some piece of machinery loaded with projectiles- or, as the Professors like to call them, baseballs- open fired at random intervals.
Eventually, they gave her a bat.
Now, this cage does more than stop errant pitches: it also stopped Sister Madly from getting away. The same can be said for the concrete floor. For perhaps the first time in her life, she would know from where every single cut, bruise and embedded piece of gravel on her body came. She might even be able to tell you the exact order, if you’re at all curious.
This is suppose to be fun?
Between the fancy footwork and the pleas for mercy (a word not found in the Professors’ vocabulary) it was difficult to tell whether Sister Madly was defending herself, being attacked by scorpions or simply performing some sort of ritual dance. Somewhere in the midst of this mayhem there were voices telling her to hit the baseballs, not dodge them. This is suppose to be fun, Sister Madly. It’s good for you.
Unlike the movies, Sister Madly does not respond well to authoritative, disembodied voices. Fortunately for the Professors, there was a cage between them and the girl, as by this point Sister Madly had a bat and some idea just how to use it. Turns out, the cage also stops the bat.
And just as the band played on while the Titanic sank, the Professors kept telling her to relax and to have a good time.
Yeah, that’s it, Sister Madly, relax- they’re only baseballs. They can only maim you- that’s what makes this fun. Offing you completely would leave the Professors in need of a new pastime- boredom isn’t fun, they know that. That’s why they’re telling you to use the bat- they want to keep you alive so they can do this again.
How does the saying go?
Eh, close enough.
Yes, nothing prepares you for bed like 6 solid hours of horrified fun.
POST’S THEME SONG: Shoot Me Down, Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds