An Experiment in Thinking Aloud
T’was a day like any other when Sister Madly overheard a couple of soon-to-be drunks playing the Would You Rather game. Such nonsense is usually of no consequence and quickly forgotten; however, there was one challenge that, heaven forbid, sparked her interest.
For the next 24 hours, would you rather:
A) Goose-step everywhere you go,
B) Say every thought, unedited, aloud.
Choosing between these two challenges is one thing; that is part of the game. Fulfilling this particular Would You Rather challenge- that is another thing entirely.
Thoughts are weird, which is why we don’t say them aloud- and why we shouldn’t. As for Sister Madly, there is always some sort of inner dialogue going on. Should you find her lost in a stare, you can bet that she is engaged in a long, internal dissertation on either something minor (should she pay rent this time around?) or something major (what to have for lunch.) Exceptions include reading, sleeping, or when a song is stuck in her head (Sister Madly’s looking at you, Suspicious Minds, 4 days running.)
A rule of thumb is that when deciding between two evils, choose the one you haven’t tried. Sister Madly decided against the goose-stepping for several reasons, including a lack of natural grace, her distaste for fascist organizations, and the fact that she had several errands to run which would be severely hampered by goose-stepping.
This, of course, meant she would be saying every thought aloud. In public.
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
- Chocolate milk sounds pretty good right now.
- For the love of God- if you’re going to do something illegal, do it quickly. You can’t expect sympathy for being injured while leisurely breaking the law.
- You, sir, have a nice eyebrow there.
- Still want chocolate milk.
- So, going to the park just to watch kids is creepy, but going to the park to look at people playing with their dogs is acceptable? PET-o-phile.
- You say soda isn’t healthy? Neither is being sick, pork chop.
- Still want chocolate milk. Now. And that Rorschach card still looks like the wallpaper at Dot’s. Dot’s has yummy cheese fries. But no chocolate milk. This is unacceptable.
- The shower head looks very much like the alien spacecraft from War of the Worlds… shouldn’t have said that.
- Stupid circus peanut.
The Circus Peanut
It’s hard to stop Sister Madly once she gets started, even harder to stop her from taking herself off to the pub. Then again, perhaps with a cider or two, the thoughts will mellow and make Sister Madly appear to be a lovely person to those fools who don’t know any better.
Five minutes in, Sister Madly cheerfully announced to an unsuspecting world that things would be better for all if she were the Antichrist. Indeed, the deep thoughts had mellowed.
She didn’t come to this conclusion lightly; she merely mulled it over- aloud- in case she was ever offered the job. When she considered the speculation of people completely unworthy of the position, Sister Madly realized that she was the obvious candidate. She could easily skip the whole humanitarian charade and dive right into absolute power. It was clear from childhood that she was never destined to be a philanthropist, even more so that she would never be found working a soup kitchen or cleaning a highway unless it happens to be court-appointed.
Besides, someone’s got to bring about the Apocalypse; it might as well be Sister Madly.
That is when the song Suspicious Minds popped into her head.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
This turn of events baffled her. If a song is stuck in her head, is she suppose to- God forbid- sing it aloud? Singing was not part of the deal, and the song really isn’t her own thoughts; it just happened to get stuck in the Sister Madly Spin Cycle.
She began to reconsider the aforementioned career opportunity. If she can be so easily stumped by Elvis, is she really Antichrist material? Her plans for world domination can’t be all that secure if they can’t stand up against a couple rounds of Suspicious Minds. There were other factors, too, once she thought about it: she’s not the most likable person- at least, not enough to be worshiped, and certainly not on a global scale. Political affairs bore her, and her enthusiasm over being the central entity of a one-world religion was waning. She was an introvert through and through, and being the Antichrist meant having people around her all the time– and mindless people, at that.
Besides, taking over the world merely to validate her existence is really codependent.
So it was with this insight that Sister Madly decided to pass on the position of Antichrist.
Now, if only she could forget about the War of the Worlds shower head…
POST’S THEME SONG: Suspicious Minds, Elvis Presley